We live in an imperfect world, and we, ourselves are also far from being perfect. As human beings, we do our best to improve and be better everyday. These imperfections may have been brought about by genes, personality, environment, circumstances in life, and other factors.
Writing can be scary because it can make you see things even those things that you may not like. It can be unveiling. As I mentioned before, writing has helped me in MANY ways. It can be therapeutic too.
There was a trigger why I wrote about this. I saw some of the person’s photos. Suddenly, it was hard to breathe. I felt so nervous, my heart was beating so fast. I felt nauseous, felt blood rushing to my head. Same things happen when I hear the voice or there are some memories about the person. These manifestations do not go away overnight. It lingers for a while with unpleasant memories/feelings and fears about the future. My mind starts to worry. I feel anxious again, and I have to fight it. It is just over thinking. It is just in the head. I extremely dislike that I felt this. I remember I was having nose bleeds when that person was around. I went to the doctor to have it checked since it was frequent but he could not find anything wrong. I was a Psychology graduate, so I knew it was psychosomatic (physical illness or other condition caused or aggravated by a mental factor such as internal conflict or stress). I was also sad or a little depressed since I did not like what I was feeling neither the person that I have become. Indeed, it affected me physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
Have you experienced disliking somebody to the point where you are confused if it is still dislike or hate? “Dislike and hate might appear same in meaning, but not actually so. They certainly differ in their sense. Many think that the two words are synonymous but literally speaking they are not so. They might appear to be interchangeable, but would convey altogether a different sense if interchangeable.You dislike somebody as a choice. You hate somebody on the basis of animosity or enmity. Hate carries unpleasant memories of the past whereas dislike does not carry with it any unpleasant memory.” (http://www.differencebetween.com/difference-between-dislike-and-hate/)
This feeling or emotion is totally unhealthy, poisonous, bad, and it is very hard to deal with! But it exists… It is real. I. I see my weakness, the dark side of me. I tend to fixate or focus my attention on something. In this case, I was paying attention to the unpleasant feelings that relationship brought through the years. To be fair, I should say it may not be the person’s intention to hurt me. It was just irreconcilable differences that made it sour (I should say more on differences in personalities and values in life). But somehow damage was done, things were said and done. Was I responsible for my feelings? Should I blame somebody? Should I blame the situation that entrapped us?
I want to be healed and be free from this negative emotion. I want to forgive myself and that person, but it is true that things are easier said than done. It will take time. Time heals. I hope not for long. I know that we should not let emotions control us or define us.
In this season of giving and sharing, may the good Lord heal all wounds and divisions especially in the family. And we should keep trying too. I believe the fist step is self awareness (being aware of your thoughts and feelings). Recognize that they are there. Then try to open our hearts to the forgiving aspect? Acceptance of differences, the present situation, and others. I do not know what comes next. I just know that life is too short to feel bad…