Bye For Now

I wanted to read more blogs

But now it is time to go

My baby’s nap time is over

Time to attend to mommy chores.

I had fun reading your thoughts.

Some have inspired me and made me smile.

Will come back again soon to celebrate life through words

For now, let us CARRY ON

Remember that you are loved.

You are blessed.

You are special.

Let us try to have grateful and hopeful hearts.

Enjoy the rest of your day!!!!

Today’s Prayer

Dearest God,

I do not usually pray online. But I am sure, you don’t mind at all.

This is going to be short.

Please bless us all, especially whoever is reading this right now.

May we find solace in writing and reading our fellow humans’ thoughts and emotions.

You have given us the opportunity to live and see your amazing creations!

Help us to focus on the beauty and all the blessings we  have right now.

Please help us understand  that pain, trials & challenges are part of it all.

Give us the  strength of mind, body, and spirit to surpass every affliction.

To be brave, strong, and never lose hope.

Help us to have the right perspective of things

To be free from anxiety, worries and heartaches

To have peace of mind and be happy

To do what is right and just

Help us to live each day in your grace.

May you fill us up with Your love

May this love overflows within us to the people around us and to the whole world!

Amen.

Now I Know Why I am not FAMOUS

I have to admit. I used to fantasize being rich and famous. I want to have a lot of perks and travel the world. I was asking myself, why did God put me in here? I look at the celebrities’ posts on Instagram. Flashy! Fancy! I know this actress from the Philippines, whenever she posts pictures, she is “luxurious” from head to toe, from clothes, shoes, purse, accessories. Different purses everyday (Hermes, Prada, name it she has it). Then I suddenly realize, materialistic. Am I entertaining these thoughts in my head? Oh no, materialistic. I have always been a thrift shopper. Why would I need these things? I only buy things that I need. I do not need these super expensive stuff  to bring my kids to school or golf class. I do not need to carry pricey handbags to go to Target or Ralph’s. I do not need all these things. I have everything that I need in my life right now. I do not own clothes, shoes or bags worth thousands of dollars, I am not always in fashion,  but I feel happy, pretty, and stylish. I pray that my kids will not be enslaved by material possessions. These worldly things should not define them or their happiness.

Lastly, as I look at the instagram posts of some celebrities, I learned about “bashers”. I think that is the disadvantage of being famous. People/Strangers can be so judgmental, saying bad/hurtful things, and some can be really very mean. There are stalkers too. Then I imagine, their life can be stressful too.

I love my peaceful life. I am sensitive. I am a cry baby. I tend to be anxious. I am more fun as a mommy. Now I know why God put me here. This is my place. I am happy!!!

Why Do I Write?

I WRITE BECAUSE

I have my quiet time  (baby is napping)

I am bored

I am inspired

I am hurt

I am happy

I am annoyed

I am grateful

I am blessed

I am feeling

I am thinking

I am recording my experiences

I want to connect

I want to share

I want to learn

I am free

I am ALIVE!

It surely is nice to have many followers. It is tempting to focus on getting the stats up but I keep reminding myself, I am doing this for me. I am here to savor my journey through life. I am hoping my children will read this someday, and learn so much about their mother. It can also be nice that friends or family can get to know me more as well. I will be happy even if I get to inspire one person. I will be glad to have one person learn something or be comforted with my words. I hope to spread good vibes, to let you know that you are not alone. We share experiences, both pleasant and BAD. It is all good!!!

Have a blessed day!

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Will The Truth Set Me Free?

I wanted to write about this for a long time now but I have always been hesitant.  I am afraid that people will make judgments about me (based on experience, there are people who are very quick on making judgments without the proper “trial”). Another reason is I am worried to hurt somebody I love. I am ashamed, and I am not proud about these feelings.

These past few days I feel anxious again. I am not so sure if I was traumatized but certainly there is something not normal about what I feel. For some of you reading this, you may have experienced anxiety. It comes in different forms. For me, when I think of a particular person or I hear her voice, my physical reaction is heart beating fast, feeling dizzy, and getting really nervous. It is just automatic. It was like conditioned. When I hear her voice or I see her calling, I get all those weird feelings that make me feel so weak. With just the thought that I will see her sometime someday, it makes me just want to disappear. Is this trauma? Why did I brought this to myself? Why did I let it happen to me? Maybe I am just being too irrational or emotional. I should not have let emotions swallow me. Is it too late? God knows I have done my best to overcome this. Sometimes I try to “immune” myself. They say if you expose yourself little by little to something that you fear, you will get used to it, accept it, and then you fear no more. I try it a couple of times. I do not fear her but I feel weird.  I guess I still have a long way to go. I pray too. May God’s healing power heal my emotions, my soul, my mind and just be normal around her. I have faith that I will get there. For now, I think I am still in the process.

It is almost exactly a year ago when for the first time, I felt so liberated, so happy. I can not explain the happiness and the peace I felt on that day. The universe might have conspired with me this time. There was a comforting silence in the house. Most importantly, there was complete silence in my head, in my heart, in my soul. I have never felt that for a long time.  Of course, I am so embarrassed to say it. I will not go into details of the many petty clashes in our little house. I am not even sure if she cared about it.  Overtime it just built a wall between us. Or I built a wall around me. I am so sad that eventually it turned out so weird. I can not explain why it led to that moment. I truly feel sorry about it.  Maybe it all started off on a wrong foot? Incompatibility? In any relationship definitely there should be compatibility. Too much differences in personality, values, way of thinking?  So many things that transpired along the way,  but there is one thing I was sure about. It was not healthy living together anymore.It came to the point when I dread waking up. When I did not want to be at home.  But I have kids. I did not want to affect them as well. I thought of leaving with the kids and try the life back home with my parents. But what did it mean? What could it look like?  Broken relationship with my husband who I love dearly? He is very close to the kids and it will kill me to see them apart. I felt so trapped for 7 years thinking about other people, thinking about the situation. I felt no choice. I felt so trapped. Getting annoyed most of the time and hating myself for being me! It does not matter what she did or what I did. The point is when things are not working out, you try to hold on to it and do your best to solve it or make things better. But when things do not really work out anymore, then something has to be done to save whatever can be saved. Maybe some things or people are just not meant to be together. Added to my anxiety is what OTHERS might think or say. I know from experience how others can naturally be judgmental, as if they do not make mistakes, as if they never get in conflict with their own families. Some people will just take sides without an open mind, without being objective. The truth is,  I tend to have a people pleaser personality. I just learned overtime that this can not be possible. We can not please everybody. We have to make choices and hurt someone along the way. It is us who go through our own lives. Others do not. They are outsiders.

I am trying to help myself conquer this negative emotion. I pray a lot that I will feel NOTHING when I see her again. She is still family, so no matter how unpleasant the experience is living under one roof with her, the right thing to do is to accept her and respect her. I am hopeful. But I am still nervous. I am afraid of feeling certain emotions again such as dislike or hatred. I was afraid of myself too. I hated myself on those times. I guess it was really self destructive since there were conflicts within me. As what I always do, I try to rationalize. It was nobody’s fault. It was just a bad chemistry. Nothing was intentional. She was a good person too. Things happen for a reason. There is still hope. I tell myself it is not too late. It is already in the past. We still have tomorrow. There should always be a room for forgiveness.

I have a baby girl. When she marries someday, I will make sure she will be free from this kind of stress!

Lessons To Live By

It is the start of 2015. It is a new beginning. I thought I was not going to write some new year’s resolution, but I guess I am. I can not think of a term, but I want to see it more as a new commitment, some lessons to remember to help me live a better life. A better life for me means less anxiety, less worry, less heartaches but more peaceful, more positive, and happier.

I came to realize that this year, I will try to incorporate into my system some important lessons to live by. I am writing this not because I am an expert on the field, but because I am trying to learn how to live life to the fullest. As I said, writing is a very powerful tool in introspection.

I intend to do/keep in mind the following:

1. BE HEALTHIER

I am not getting any younger, I decided to lose weight and be healthier. I will try to exercise at least 10 minutes a day. I will eat healthier (most of the time). I should not make “being busy”  or too tired taking care of the house and the kids as an excuse not to exercise. This morning I checked YouTube videos for exercises I can do at home. I loved this HIIT Cardio: 10 minutes (by momsintofitness).  Oh my, I was so out of shape. I was getting exhausted and my legs were hurting. I am committing myself to do it everyday.

2. UNDERSTAND SOME UNIVERSAL TRUTH OR LAWS OF NATURE (Being Present, Change, Pain)

The second important commitment I should make is more difficult to do. It takes a lot of internalization. I want to change the way I think. I want to change how I perceive life and living. I have to learn how to cope up. As the saying goes, change the way you think and the world around you changes. I believe if I achieve this understanding and it has become a part of me, then I can live life to its fullest. Finally,  begin to see the world as it really is.

My previous blogs talked about my fear, anxiety, hatred, death, living life, way to happiness, and the lessons I want my kids to learn. I also mentioned one of the reasons why I write is that I am on search for something. I came across this book and I realized that it somehow sums up or incorporates everything I wrote about in my other blogs. I deeply want to share this with others, hoping that  there is something good and useful to be found from this reading. All the quotes were lifted from the book Meditation for Beginners by Jack Kornfield.

2.1 MINDFULNESS

I will strive to train myself to be MINDFUL. I want to achieve a Quiet mind, open heart and steady spirit.  “Mindfulness helps train us to be more present and alive. The art of living… is neither careless drifting on the one hand nor fearful clinging to the past… the truth that is right where we are when we let go of fantasies and memories and come into the reality of the present.” This means being sensitive to each moment of our life. It means being more present and more awake, more appreciating of THE PRESENT. “The present moment is the only game in town and if we miss this moment it will be gone forever.” I should not waste my time worrying about the future, dreaming about the past or being enslaved by bad memories and emotions.  Now is important. I should learn to let go.

I mentioned from my old post (Way To Happiness) Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a dream. Today is a gift. So live TODAY, be present.

2.2 NOTHING IS PERMANENT BUT CHANGE

Law of nature: “Things are impermanent, that attachment causes pain. We need to learn how to flow with the changes, to see everything as a process of change, to relax with uncertainty. We need to learn how to let go, how to stay centered in the midst of change”.  I mentioned in my previous blog my fear of death. I can not imagine losing a loved one or the thought of dying. I tend to be attached to the people or to something I love (which I think is very natural). We have to understand that ” We do not actually own our bodies but rather we just inhabit them for a short time, and during that time they will change by themselves, regardless of what we want to happen.”

A few nights ago, my husband and I watched the movie, Boyhood. There was one scene that struck me. As the son, Mason,  prepares to leave his mother’s new apartment for college, Olivia (the mother) breaks down, saying she is disillusioned by how fast life has flown by, and claims there is nothing left in her life but her death.

“Nothing in our lives lasts or stays the same for very long. Everything is changing all the time.” As the book says, “Trying to hold onto ‘how it was’ will only create suffering and disappointment, because life is a river and everything changes… We create a huge amount of suffering if we are attached to things staying the same, we realize that relaxing and letting go is a wiser way to live…”

“When we realize everything passes away, not only the good things but the painful things as well.”  So when challenges or trial comes, just remember that it too shall pass. Let the storm rage on as the song in the movie Frozen says.

2.3 PAIN IS PART OF LIVING

“Gain and loss, praise and blame, pain and pleasure are part of the dance of life, given to each of us, born into our human body”. 
This reminds me to embrace not just the good but also the bad side of life, the unlikable people who caused you pain. They are still part of this world and there is nothing I can do to push them away. Why do I have to stress out on something or someone I can not prevent or change?

“The truth is that things change whether we want them to or not. Becoming attached to things as they are or pushing things away that we do not like does not stop them from changing. It only leads to further suffering.”

Lesson 4 and 5 are from my old post (Way To Happiness)

3. THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON

Every circumstance in our lives (both good and bad) are necessary for us to be where we are right now. There is a reason for every event, every encounter with people who walk on our path.

4. BE THE BEST THAT WE CAN BE WHEREVER WE ARE

Bloom where God planted you. You are special. You are blessed. Refrain from comparing yourself with others. You will either find yourself  superior or inferior.  In relation to this, I have also learned that we can not please everybody. If we do, we will only be stressed out. Do what you think is best for you and your family not what others think is best. In the end, it is you who goes through it not them!  You are special. You are blessed.

It looks a lot. We may get overwhelmed by these reminders. It can take a lot of work and discipline to change the way we think. But I believe it is worth a try!

Good luck to us! Life is short, we will only be here once, let us make the most out of it and live a happy life!

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The Magic of Haircut

This morning, I had a bad hair day. I felt so grouchy inside. I am not usually like that. For me that is a petty reason to be feeling down or cranky. My husband and I were taking the kids to the nearby park. I still could not fix my hair. Put it up, down, up, no good. I felt so lousy. I was not feeling good about myself. So I put a big hat on (just like the grandmas walking on a park) to hide my hair. Eventually, I got irritated with the big black hat so I took it off. I put my hair down from a hair donut. It was sunny and the kids were having fun running around. I put the hat on again since my face felt the scorching heat of the sun. I badly wanted to go home. Suddenly, someone I did not feel like talking to was approaching the park with her kids. She reminds me so much of a tactless person I know (which I dislike).  With the bad mood, I certainly did not feel like talking, but it left me with no choice. Then she was talking about how my husband looks like he is 25 years old. A lot of people say that he looks 10 years younger than his age. He has a baby face you can say and he works out regularly. This was agitating me. With my low self esteem this morning, it also reminded me of how hard I am trying to lose weight. It was implied or maybe I was thinking about it that I look older and “bigger”. When we came home, I cooked lunch, fed the kids, gave them a bath. As soon as my little girl fell asleep from the nap, without hesitation I told my husband that I am going out for a hair cut. I do not remember the last time I changed my hairstyle. Maybe it was way back in 2009 after I gave birth to my son. For years, I had the same hairstyle. Maybe today I just got sick of it. I needed a change. I went to the Salon and slowly I was feeling light (outside and inside) as I see the long strands saying goodbye. I came home feeling better. I put on a little make up and I started writing.  Why did not do it soon? Did I forget? Was I just contented all those times? Maybe I was concerned that I do not look good anymore with short hair? But I realized…it will still grow if I can not pull it through. It is not the end of the world.

Change is part of life. It is necessary at some point.