Usually, my day is almost over after dinner. Dishes washed and it is almost sleeping time. This is the time for cuddling, kids can play for a while before drinking milk and brushing teeth. My husband and I always enjoy watching them. We say to each other that Kirsten is our last baby. This is the last time we are watching a beautiful 2 year old baby. They grow up really fast! My boy is turning 7 this year. Often times I have flashbacks of my son’s birthday through the years. First year, party held in our house. Second birthday at the park. Third birthday when we gave him all Disney cars die cast collections. Fourth birthday was little get together with some friends (McDonalds, Chuckecheese),Fifth birthday was spent in Discovery Cube Orange County. Sixth birthday had a little party at our new home. And I intend to remember each birthfday of my kids throughout the years. I know I may have lapse of memory someday, but I believe the heart will never forget. It will always remember. So right now, we cherish. It is that moment when you stare at your little ones’ faces that make long lasting memories for the heart. I barely recall how my son looks like when he was 2 like his sister, but the feelings at those moments are still so vivid. I know the feeling at each stage or milestone of their lives. From the time I first met them (had c-sections for both) until the present. No matter how it can get exhausting as a stay at home mother, I know this moment will only be here now. I do not want to miss a thing. I will treasure each memory in my heart.
In writing I learn more about myself. Words help me understand more. Hopefully this one will give me an answer. If not now, eventually.
I am having unconsolidated thoughts right now. I have a concern and it is in my head. I do not know how to dissect it or even how to write about it. But I will try to find out what is bothering me and find out what I should do.
I am aware that I always find it hard to choose. I think I am not so brilliant with decision makings. I tend to be uncertain. I change my mind most of the time. Usually, it requires A LOT of thinking before I make a decision, especially if it is a major one. Consequently, it brings about a lot of anxiety. I guess that’s just how I am. I do not know if it is a good thing or a bad thing. I feel the need to be 100% sure on my choice. The head and the heart should agree with each other. In my 36 years of life, moving here and marrying my husband is the major decision so far. I even lost weight thinking and weighing things before I made a choice to leave everyone and everything behind. So I moved here in the United States, built our own family. Now that I have started to adapt and get attached to the home we are building, then now comes the plan of retiring in 3 to 4 years time! This means we will have to move to a different country where our money will be more than enough to live a very comfortable life without going to a 40 hours/week work.
I do not understand why I feel a little hesitant or maybe just overwhelmed with the plan. I feel the need once again to see clearly in every angle, every aspect, every pros and cons. I know I still have time to think about it and see/feel what I need to experience. I want to figure it out as soon as I can or the thoughts/concerns/anxiety will remain. What will tomorrow be? I just need to remind myself that everything will be alright. I pray that God will guide our thoughts and decisions in life. And I should not worry too much. I will be able to comprehend what I need in time. This is the start. I have concerns and questions but I am sure they will be answered.
Stream of Thoughts
We are very young to retire. But what is more important? More money or the quality time as a family? If we stay here, my husband will have to keep working since the cost of living is high. We pay bills. But when we move to a different country (which I prefer not to say for now), my husband and I can just retire while we have more time for each other and especially with the kids. Life is short. The kids grow up really fast. We want to enjoy their childhood. Why would we aspire for more riches? When should one stop acquiring? Or is it okay to stop if you know you have more than enough, be contented, be more present, be there for your spouse or kids? Is this a smart thinking or not???
I guess I have been attached now to what I consider home. These last 2 years has been the best. I just started to live my dream as a wife, as a mother, as a happy home maker. I love my friends here, the weather, the traffic, the independence, the environment, and the future my kids can have. Now the thought of leaving makes me a little worried/sad. But as long as we are together (husband and kids), should our location matter so much? Home is here your heart is, right?
When we move, I will be closer to my parents, old friends, siblings. I can visit them anytime. My kids can have more time with their cousins and their grandparents. On the other hand, it means, I will also be closer to one person who traumatized me and who my being is trying to avoid. Is it why I wanted to be in here, far from that person? I should face this irrational fear. No harm can be done to me. I am strong. And I should aspire for reconciliation. I should be brave.
Will our life as a family be better? Am I just being a worrier? Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be…I truly need to remind myself of this: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)
For sure I will be writing about my adventures! I hope they are going to be a good one!
Positive post by Karishmabhatia.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
Death is certain. It is all around us. Yet we go through life pretending we will live forever.
I imagine death to be white. Not the dull white like an egg-shell, but the blinding kind. The kind that makes everything else hazy and your eyes watery. It can be the apocalyptic kind or the cleansing – depends on how you choose to see it.
When our biggest fear comes true, we still have choices. We can rise, fall, break, shatter or simply wither away. Some unfortunate among us live their worst fear numerous times in their imagination and never in reality. They have the fierceness of a warrior and a deadly stiffness about them because of all the stress of anticipation. I think those are the ones that break. Because when the blow comes, it hits them the hardest. Fear that…
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I feel like I have been chasing time. I did not even have the time to write my thoughts.And yet, still a lot of things to do. And the day is almost done. Why am I so busy? I guess it is better than have nothing to do? So I took my energy boosting vitamins! I need it.
It is the start of the week. May we all be productive while we feel happy and blessed. Challenges, problems? I will keep fighting you! You may scare me, and make me feel anxious, but I say, you can not defeat me. Life is still beautiful. And my spirit is growing and evolving. I am empowered.
Certain people will be upset when you speak the truth. They might get mad. They might get really mad. That’s because they are still living the lie you’ve exposed. Stay strong. Speak your truth. Do not allow yourself to get pulled back into their lie just to make others happy and yourself miserable. You are free. Stay free. — Toni Sorenson
First time I have heard about esight glasses!
- Kathy Beitz, 29, is legally blind – she lost her vision as a child and, for a long time, adapted to living in a world she couldn’t see
- Technology called eSight glasses allowed Kathy to see her son on the day he was born
- The glasses cost $15,000 and work by capturing real-time video and enhancing it
- Has Stargardt disease, a condition that causes macular degeneration
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A good lesson to give us courage and hope posted by musingsofmandy
I am sure everybody knows the feeling of Head and Heart Tug Of War. Good cop, Bad cop in the head. Mind over Heart. Heart over Mind. Then a CONFUSED and ANXIOUS soul.
Stay still. Let the tides come down. Let the waves pass…
Face Your Fear or Discomfort. It is all in the mind! Be a Warrior.
Sometimes we must jump into the belly of the beast
Face down what we fear
Be confident and courageous
With sword in hand
Without any doubt
Believing we will come out victorious
God is a deliverer for those who trust in him
~photo credit: www.the-other-view.com
From Wuxia film “Ashes of Time”
How can someone say I hate your voice, I hate your face, and I can never stand your mere presence? The head tells you to do what should be done but the heart shuts down. The spirit tries though.
How can forgiveness and acceptance happen? When does it start? How does it happen?