In writing I learn more about myself. Words help me understand more. Hopefully this one will give me an answer. If not now, eventually.
I am having unconsolidated thoughts right now. I have a concern and it is in my head. I do not know how to dissect it or even how to write about it. But I will try to find out what is bothering me and find out what I should do.
I am aware that I always find it hard to choose. I think I am not so brilliant with decision makings. I tend to be uncertain. I change my mind most of the time. Usually, it requires A LOT of thinking before I make a decision, especially if it is a major one. Consequently, it brings about a lot of anxiety. I guess that’s just how I am. I do not know if it is a good thing or a bad thing. I feel the need to be 100% sure on my choice. The head and the heart should agree with each other. In my 36 years of life, moving here and marrying my husband is the major decision so far. I even lost weight thinking and weighing things before I made a choice to leave everyone and everything behind. So I moved here in the United States, built our own family. Now that I have started to adapt and get attached to the home we are building, then now comes the plan of retiring in 3 to 4 years time! This means we will have to move to a different country where our money will be more than enough to live a very comfortable life without going to a 40 hours/week work.
I do not understand why I feel a little hesitant or maybe just overwhelmed with the plan. I feel the need once again to see clearly in every angle, every aspect, every pros and cons. I know I still have time to think about it and see/feel what I need to experience. I want to figure it out as soon as I can or the thoughts/concerns/anxiety will remain. What will tomorrow be? I just need to remind myself that everything will be alright. I pray that God will guide our thoughts and decisions in life. And I should not worry too much. I will be able to comprehend what I need in time. This is the start. I have concerns and questions but I am sure they will be answered.
Stream of Thoughts
We are very young to retire. But what is more important? More money or the quality time as a family? If we stay here, my husband will have to keep working since the cost of living is high. We pay bills. But when we move to a different country (which I prefer not to say for now), my husband and I can just retire while we have more time for each other and especially with the kids. Life is short. The kids grow up really fast. We want to enjoy their childhood. Why would we aspire for more riches? When should one stop acquiring? Or is it okay to stop if you know you have more than enough, be contented, be more present, be there for your spouse or kids? Is this a smart thinking or not???
I guess I have been attached now to what I consider home. These last 2 years has been the best. I just started to live my dream as a wife, as a mother, as a happy home maker. I love my friends here, the weather, the traffic, the independence, the environment, and the future my kids can have. Now the thought of leaving makes me a little worried/sad. But as long as we are together (husband and kids), should our location matter so much? Home is here your heart is, right?
When we move, I will be closer to my parents, old friends, siblings. I can visit them anytime. My kids can have more time with their cousins and their grandparents. On the other hand, it means, I will also be closer to one person who traumatized me and who my being is trying to avoid. Is it why I wanted to be in here, far from that person? I should face this irrational fear. No harm can be done to me. I am strong. And I should aspire for reconciliation. I should be brave.
Will our life as a family be better? Am I just being a worrier? Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be…I truly need to remind myself of this: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)
For sure I will be writing about my adventures! I hope they are going to be a good one!