This week is the third month I have been reunited with my baby flute after more than 15 years! And it has been a pleasure playing it for these past months. I will be forever thankful to that one summer lesson when I was 15 or 16. So it has been 2 decades ago.
At present, I have been doing self-study. I do not know if I will still have the time to go on formal classes.
Playing has helped me heal in my grieving process. Music has power.
So sharing with you my imperfect version of The Prayer. God bless you all!!!
I pray you’ll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don’t know
Let this be our prayer
when we lose our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we’ll be safe.
Today I remember my parents who brought me out to this world and raised me, my family who made me whole, and God who gave me life.
I personally would like to thank all the people who took time to greet me. It is heartwarming, as we say it in Filipino (nakakataba ng puso) to read messages even from social media like Facebook. Just imagine each person taking time (just a few seconds) to type in their birthday greetings? It can be as simple as “HBD, Happy birthday or Enjoy your day”. I super appreciate each thought! It means a lot to me. I feel very special on my birthday. Thank you from my heart!
I would just like to share. When I was younger, I was excited for my birthday. As a kid, you look forward to gifts or parties. As the years went by, I felt different about it. I can say I feel a little scared because I know that I am aging. I know we should not look at it that way, but it seems like each year I am marching towards the end of my journey. I am afraid to grow old. I am afraid of death. But you know what, I also feel like as years go by, it is like God is pulling me towards Him. I don’t know maybe it is the same for other people. Aging, growing old makes you reflect on the meaning of life, the meaning of existence. It is no longer about material things. It goes beyond it. My life. The people I love and care about.
For people who really know me, I am not so much into parties or big gatherings. I love people and I love my friends. But truly, I am really more of an introvert. My former boss (Dennis) said, today that I should do something fun. Fun for me is reading all my family and friends’ greetings. Writing about what I feel and maybe “fluting” later. I felt very inspired too that one of our school former teacher (who is now a conductor of an Orchestra) wished me a happy birthday. He told me to keep fluting! : ) It meant so much to me. Today I feel really special because my hubby took off from work and will just spend the day with me. He will take me out to lunch. Will also do something fun with the kids later. I told my children last night that they are my greatest birthday gifts ever!
One last thing. I wish to grow more in wisdom. I want to be more appreciative of each moment. I am not perfect and will never be. And this world isn’t too. We can not please everybody. That is one lesson I have learned. Some people still won’t like me. But some do love me!!! And I guess growing in wisdom is like learning how to strike a balance, knowing your focus or priorities, and accepting some facts about living. Lastly, is giving your darn best to be good. Just be a good wife, a good mom, a good person.
Wishing you a happy life as well! Thank you for everything!!!
Nine months ago (today) was the last time I spoke to him. I keep playing our last conversation in my head. I can still see how he looked like when we were chatting through Face time. I remember all the things he said to me that night. They just finished with lunch, while my day just ended. Told them stories about my son’s 7th birthday party.
Yes I am still counting days. Eight months without Tatay (Daddy). But as everyone is saying, it will get better in time. I can say, we are getting used to the fact of him physically gone. Few weeks ago, I just deleted all his hospital photos from my phone. I had to let go. Maybe part of the healing process. I felt I was done looking at those sad memories, and I try not to hold on to those last 14 days. It was traumatic.
I always think of him. And pray for him. I still feel sad. I still cry. I know it is natural to feel that way when you know you have lost someone forever. And it will remain that way as long as I am here because love never ends.
Is there an afterlife? Where do they really go? Does he still know what is going on for us he left behind? Does he hear it when we talk to him? Does God tell him our messages to him? Can he still see us? Does he really visit in dreams?
I hope wherever he is right now (heaven or in a different dimension) he feels and knows that we are always with him. Our love is always with him! And if there is really that somewhere, someday we will be together. After we complete our mission, our journey.
Just in case that it is just the end of everything, I am just grateful that he was part of my life. His memories and our love will keep him alive. God’s love. His love. That same love I am passing on to my children. And they to their future. And that love goes on forever.
I try to put myself in his shoes. I would understand if my children will feel sad. But I do not want them to live that way. I want them to live and be happy. Be assured that my love will be with them although I am no longer around. This id possible. Think that there are a lot of mysteries in this life. Some of those things people can not comprehend or have not discovered yet…
We’ll find a new way of living
Will find a way of forgiving
There’s a place for us
Somewhere a place for us
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
There’s a time for us
Someday there’ll time for us
Time together and time to spare
Time to learn, time to care
We’ll find a new way of living
Will find there’s a way of forgiving
There’s a place for us
A time and place for us
Hold my hand and we’re half way there
Hold my hand and I’ll take you there
Literally, every time I watch this commercial, tears flow from my eyes. No matter how many times I have seen it. It is funny how my children look at me or call me whenever it is on.
I guess I think about my daughter and my husband. I think about my dad. I think about childhood and parenting. Children growing up. People growing old. I ponder on the cycle of life. Of how we all have common experiences in life. And no matter how sad or scary, we all have to go through it. And of course, never fail to see the happiness and beauty that also come with it.