Since I got back home, I usually feel sad, stressed out, and my temper short. I do my very best just to be a good mother although there are a lot of times my patience is being challenged.. Mind you, I generally feel happy and glad that I am back to personally take care of my family. My mother in law is still here until the end of this month as well as my mom. Maybe when things get back to normal, meaning my own established routine, and it will just be us home, slowly I will be able to have more time alone, hopefully more time to think and heal. School day starts soon and I am sure things will get back on track.

If nowadays I feel down, I know very soon I will again be the happiest.

I still count my blessings. All my friends who care, my family, my brother and sisters… And do not forget, the beer and the wine! 😉

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A Sad Night

I am double sad…. First, my dad is still in the hospital. I still hope he will be better. I hope he will be healed and will regain his health. The good thing is I will be flying back home but I have to leave my kids behind. It is my very first time to be away from them and it drives me crazy. Separation anxiety. But I should keep thinking that all these things happen for a reason. 

Before I Lay Down To Sleep

For the other part of the world, people have already begun their day.

A fresh start, a new hope, a new beginning.

For the other part of the world, we are just about to lay and have our rest.

Either smiling for a wonderful day or hoping to ease and forget a troubled heart.

Both hoping for the  sweetest dream and a bright tomorrow…

What Will Tomorrow Be?

In writing I learn more about myself. Words help me understand more. Hopefully this one will give me an answer. If not now, eventually.

I am having unconsolidated thoughts right now. I have a concern and it is in my head. I do not know how to dissect it or even how to write about it.  But I will try to find out what is bothering me and find out what I should do.

I am aware that I always find it hard to choose.  I think I am not so brilliant with decision makings. I tend to be uncertain. I change my mind most of the time. Usually, it requires A LOT of thinking before I make a decision, especially if it is a major one. Consequently, it brings about a lot of anxiety. I guess that’s just how I am. I do not know if it is a good thing or a bad thing. I feel the need to be 100% sure on my choice. The head and the heart should agree with each other. In my 36 years of life, moving here and marrying my husband is the major decision so far. I even lost weight thinking and weighing things before I made a choice to leave everyone and everything behind.  So I moved here in the United States, built our own family. Now that I have started to adapt and get attached to the home we are building,  then now comes the plan of retiring in 3 to 4 years time! This means we will have to move to a different country where our money will be more than enough to live a very comfortable life without going to a 40 hours/week work.

I do not understand why I feel a little hesitant or maybe just overwhelmed with the plan. I feel the need once again to see clearly in every angle, every aspect, every pros and cons. I know I still have time to think about it and see/feel what I need to experience. I want to figure it out as soon as I can or the thoughts/concerns/anxiety will remain. What will tomorrow be?  I just need to remind myself that everything will be alright. I pray that God will guide our thoughts and decisions in life. And I should not worry too much. I will be able to comprehend what I need in time. This is the start. I have concerns and questions but I am sure they will be answered.

Stream of Thoughts

We are very young to retire. But what is more important? More money or the quality time as a family? If we stay here, my husband will have to keep working since the cost of living is high. We pay bills. But when we move to a different country (which I prefer not to say for now), my husband and I can just retire while we have more time for each other and especially with the kids. Life is short. The kids grow up really fast. We want to enjoy their childhood. Why would we aspire for more riches? When should one stop acquiring? Or is it okay to stop if you know you have more than enough, be contented,  be more present, be there for your spouse or kids? Is this a smart thinking or not???

I guess I have been attached now to what I consider home. These last 2 years has been the best. I just started to live my dream as a wife, as a mother, as a happy home maker.  I love my friends here,  the weather, the traffic, the independence, the environment, and the future my kids can have. Now the thought of leaving makes me a little worried/sad. But as long as we are together (husband and kids), should our location matter so much? Home is here your heart is, right?

When we move, I will be closer to my parents, old friends, siblings. I can visit them anytime. My kids can have more time with their cousins and their grandparents. On the other hand, it means, I will also be closer to one person who traumatized me and who my being is trying to avoid.  Is it why I wanted to be in here, far from that person? I should face this irrational fear.  No harm can be done to me. I am strong. And I should aspire for reconciliation. I should be brave.

Will our life as a family be better? Am I  just being a worrier?  Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be…I truly need to remind myself of this: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

For sure I will be writing about my adventures! I hope they are going to be a good one!

Monster Alert

Do not try to break me

Dear mind you have to focus

It is okay to cry it out

But dear spirit keep up

Xanax or wine, tempting

But venting out to a loved one I find more healing

Praying for wisdom and mostly courage

To face the monster

To face the dark

Go through the dark

I should not be afraid

For you are holding my hand…