When I started blogging, my mind was filled with thoughts, filled with words. My heart felt a lot of things. I could not wait to write them down each day. Writing about my thoughts and feelings helped me resolve some issues I had in me. It taught me a little about forgiveness, about imperfections, humanity, about love. It also helped me discover my passions. It is still helping me get to know myself more and the life around me.
I just noticed one thing and maybe it happens to other people too. When my father went to heaven, it suddenly felt like there is nothing more I can write about. No inspiring stories or reflections in my head. I was not sure how I was feeling. For a long time I just went on with the flow. It has been a year now. I don’t feel the same. However, I find delight in interviewing people who inspire me. Maybe this is a way to get me inspired again and get me back on track.
For now, I will keep looking for that inspiration.
Through blogging, I have come to know myself better. And I am continuously learning about a lot of things in the world, about being human. About living.
Part of this learning is finding my passion. The ultimate role or mission I have at the moment is being a family woman. Being there for the children, for the husband, and caring for the house, for the home. I say 90% of what I do is for those mentioned. And the remaining is for myself. I discovered my passion for blogging and playing music. These two for some reasons bring joy to me. I feel I can do these things for hours without getting bored (unlike when I run on the treadmill for 20 minutes).
I talked about my flute in my past post (Playing Music) sometime in January 2016. For almost two months now, I have done something for myself. I have done it by self-study. Practiced playing the instrument during spare time from the mommy duties. So here, I would like to share with you some songs.
I usually share some clips on my Instagram account (khris_79). Some of you who are my IG buddies know that : ) Hope your day will be filled with music.
There was a time when my head was filled with thoughts. I had to write them down. They were overflowing. My heart was filled with emotions. I had to let them out.
I am not sure if it has something to do with the sudden loss of a loved one. But after that event, it seems like I have nothing much to say. Maybe my mind is still full of him. Or my heart still grieves.
I have not been writing as much. Instead I focus on music. I find it comforting. Healing. Some of the clips I share to my Instagram account (khris_79).
I know I will be back on track someday. For now, I will just let things be.
I hope you are doing fine as well as you read this. Keep inspiring others. Keep searching for that passion. Do things that will make you happy. Happy life. God bless you all.
Last night, I found out that a person I knew just passed away. He had a heart attack last week. I could not stop thinking about him because exactly three months ago he was at my father’s wake trying to help out. Who would ever think that he will be gone? Truly death comes like a thief in the night.
At this point in my life, I just figured out my greatest fear. To see a loved one gone, and the thought of leaving my family behind. With my father’s passing, I often think about things pertaining to the after life, about our existence, and some other “weird” things. It is like seeing things differently. Talking to my husband keeps me grounded. He would plainly state that it is the reality of life. So he does not really think or worry about it. That it is something that we should accept. Maybe I am just about to learn that step.
Last night I told him about one of the things I always pray for. And I said he should pray the same thing so it makes us two. I said I hope we will be blessed together with a long life (I state specifically at least 90 years old) so we can see our children and grand children grow. He replied, “Whatever is God’s will.”
Now, when I kiss or embrace my family, it feels more than that. When I say some good words to a friend or to a relative, I truly mean it. Slowly, my heart is learning how to forgive and how to sing to each waking moment.
This song was in my head when I woke up and I feel the need to share it. It is a beautiful Filipino gospel song. I really love the acoustic version but unfortunately, there is no vocal. For non-Filipino speakers, I included an English translation below. I hope you do enjoy the music.
Sino Ako?
Hiram sa Diyos ang aking buhay
Ikaw at ako’y tanging handog lamang
Di ko ninais na ako’y isilang
Ngunit salamat dahil my buhay
Ligaya ko na ako’y isilang
Pagkat tao ay mayroong dangal
Sino’ng may pag-ibig?
Sino’ng nagmahal?Kun’di ang tao Diyos ang pinagmulan
Kun’di ako umiibig
Kundi ko man bigyang halaga
Ang buhay na handog
Ang buhay kong hiram sa Diyos
Kundi ako nagmahal
Sino Ako?
Who Am I? (English translation)
My life is only borrowed from God
We’re only a living sacrifice
I did not wish to be born but it’s
A God given blessing to have a life
I am glad that I was born…
I am born with dignity
I have love and I know how to love
Because God first loved me
If I didn’t know how to love
If I didn’t know how to be grateful of
The life that God has given me
Then what is my worth?
A friend visited me last year. He was my Professor from College until in the Graduate School. He works now in a University here in the US. He was even one of my mentors when I did my paper. With God’s help, I was able to finish the degree Master of Science in Psychology Major in Psychological Measurement. and I was able to do work for seven years related to the field.
So when I got married and started a family, there have been changes. I joke about it a lot with my husband. I tell him that I have the best education/career ever. Master of Science in Child Rearing and Housekeeping! And I have been an Administrator for years now running a house from food, to clothes, family schedules, child education, and everything! For free! (except when I go online shopping).
Seriously, when I see posts from social media how some of my friends have advanced in their careers, I ask myself how do I feel about myself. Yes sometimes I would imagine how I would be like if I chose a different path. Then I would ask are we here because of our choice or we are just destined to be where we are right now… or a combination of both?
I believe that one should just do his/her best each time, in every moment or chapter of life. And try to appreciate the now, where you are right now. It is true that when you count your blessings and appreciate all that you have, you will feel happy. Contented.
It is true what they say that you will never truly understand something unless you experience it yourself.
In the past, I felt sorry for family and friends who lost their loved ones. I went to wakes, funeral services, and showed compassion. There were times when I also wept with them. But then my life went on. I just feel sad when I remember those who passed away and I say my prayers to them.
Losing someone who is actually very close to your heart can actually be different. I refer to the loss of a parent, sibling, spouse, child or a very close friend. I have felt the change in me. Days pass by, months go by, and I carry that feeling of sadness in my heart, that feeling of loss. I believe it will linger even in the years to come and for the rest of my life. I guess this is something constant as I move along.
This little feeling in me reminds me of the bittersweet reality of life. It is just a cycle. I can imagine how my kids will feel the same way when it will be my turn someday. All of us will feel a loss. And all of us will leave our loved ones behind. For those of us who are still here, we have to make the most out of our lives. Cherish the memories of the people who left. Be reminded about the many reasons why we have to be grateful each day, be more human, and loving to the people who are part of our journey.
I wish I can talk about something else just like before. Seeing beauty in simple things, so much positivity striving to live a more meaningful life.
Honestly I am not sure what I feel at present. Definitely it is not vibrant and lovely. There are days it feels just so ordinary. I go on with my routine taking care of my family and our home. Alongside with it, there are minor distractions. At least I try to convince my mind that it is just minor and does not deserve my energy… But yes, life goes on. It will never pause, never stop even if you lose something or someone. I am living the reality of life. Trying to just move along, going with the flow. Ignoring what is inside, maybe a turmoil, some sadness and darkness.
The other day I just burst into tears. I usually do not cry. And if I do, it is just for a while. A memory suddenly came to me. I remember maybe it was last Fathers Day, when I was on the phone with my Dad. I just told him I am planning to visit him next year and I could not figure out yet the schedule. I had to wait for my son’s school calendar and work out my visit. I remember he said, “Okay, I’ll be here…”
I used to read my fellow bloggers’ posts to get insights, wisdom, and inspiration everyday. I have not been too active these past few weeks. I would like to apologize for not being around, for not visiting your sites often. Soon, I will get back on track. With my Dad’s passing, I am just existing and going with the flow.
I know you will all still be there after this. Keep shining and inspiring!
Last time I was advised by you, my fellow bloggers, to back up my posts. I did copy and saved them through word. But now, Again, I have a lot of unsaved posts. I am just so bad with remembering to back up through MS Word. I usually write on the spot, spontaneous, direct from my Ipad.
I wish and I imagine it would be nice if with every post we make, we automatically get a copy by email from WordPress. I am not a “techie” person so I am not sure if this is feasible.
K.Lazaro 