Sad Trip Memories

I will not forget the saddest trip I had in my life. It was exactly two years ago today. I can still remember being by myself at the airport. I was just crying on my seat. I could not help it and I did not care anymore. While the rest of the people around me looked so happy and excited, I was just broken. It was a very difficult time, that day and the next two weeks.

I flew right away as I heard that our father was resuscitated. Everything was just so sudden. I had to fly thousands of miles just to get in time. It was somehow a blessing to still find him there although he was already unconscious. I am not sure up to now if he even knew I was there. And watching him for the next 14 days was traumatic.

I wrote about that experience here right after I came back home. Losing a person very close to your heart is very painful beyond words. It was raw and unedited. Until today, I still do not have the courage to read it over again.

This morning, my sister and I were talking. She said something. “Most days are so busy, we go about our lives without thinking about him.. but there are definitely times when a lot of things around us no matter how simple remind us if him. And those moments we think of him is just heart breaking and makes me feel like crying.” It is true, I try not to think of him because it makes me sad.  However, it is just unavoidable. The person you love will always be a part of you.

I hear a lot of times some people would like to say “MOVE ON”. What does moving on mean?  Yes, we have moved on. We have continued to live our lives. But when you talk about someone you love, who has passed, it just means that you remember them. You miss them and that you love them. And that is absolutely natural. It is okay.

We remember.

 

 

 

Mother & Son

Being a parent means having this very important responsibility of raising good people.  It is a lifetime mission. We take care of them, provide for all their needs (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual), and guide them through life.

Being a parent is not always easy. Sometimes we get tired. Sometimes we get frustrated. We worry. We get disappointed.  In every stage, we face different challenges from waking up late at night to change their diapers or disciplining them in their early childhood days. It can be a lot of work. I say,  having a child  is truly life changing. It is a blessing and at the same time a sacrifice, an act of great love.

What inspired me to write? Earlier, I got into a small fight with my 9-year-old. It might sound petty to others but it meant something to me.

He was so distracted with his gadgets that he would find it hard to pay attention and listen to what I’m saying. Usually I have to repeat A LOT OF TIMES what I have to say to him. And this can be exhausting. I always pray for patience and understanding. It has been a challenge for me nowadays because they are on summer break.  Everyday, I have to set  a time limit with regard to the use of the gadgets. My son and I usually argue about this.  I manage their activities, making sure they read, write, draw, and do something else besides video gaming. I have to take them out of the house too for a swim or stroll at the park.

I lost my temper. I raised my voice. I had to be stern. What irritated me most was the talking back. He was reasoning out when clearly he was wrong. And it broke my heart to see him so mad at me. I sent him to his room for a time out. No TV. No gadgets. I said he needed to be alone and be quiet.

I was worried. I was thinking maybe he would grow up hating me because I would always discipline him. Then I felt sad. I was sorry for saying some things that could have hurt his feelings. I felt bad. I know I am not a perfect person. Definitely not a perfect mom.

I thought of writing him a letter. Just to assure him that I love him. And that whatever we are doing is for his own good. I was about to write him a note when he came out of his room and went to me. He handed me a paper. And saw this …

It melted my heart. I just hugged him for a very long time. I cried quietly. I was relieved. Maybe I am doing the right thing. I did not have to remind him that I love him. He knows. We talked about what happened and the things he learned from it.

He told me to keep this paper and I said I will.

 

 

 

 

 

On Its Second Year

 

It is true what they say. In time you will no longer feel much pain. You will keep moving. You’ll finally get used to the absence.

As much as I love him,  I try not to dwell on the thought that we lost him. I try to see it in a different perspective. He lives in us, we carry him in our hearts.

I still cry but not as much as I did. When he crosses my mind I feel sad but I feel much stronger now.

Although there are moments when I can’t help the tears especially when things around me bring vivid memories of him.

Like last night my kids were playing with their Dad. My little girl was walking on his back and saying that she’s giving him a massage. I remembered during our younger days when we would do the same. Tears fell from my eyes.

Just a while ago when we were watching one of our favorite comedy shows, if featured the 1980 something show called Knight Rider. I remembered the talking black car called KITT, that drove super fast, was bulletproof, fireproof, and helped Michael fought injustices in the world. It brought up some childhood memories. My siblings and I were fond of the super powered car that we named our family car, Kit. If I remember it right, our father even put up a moving light in front of our car pretending that we’re really driving Kit! Something like this:

Every morning, to wake up my kids, I put up the curtain and let the sunlight into our bedroom. I talk to them or sing to them just the way our old man did.

I know there will be more reminders along the way. One clear proof that our love ones continue to live…

 

 

The Happiest & Saddest Time

Next week will be my first born’s birthday. Followed by my second child’s. They are almost 3 weeks apart. Both are born on Summer time during the Olympic games. I remember taking care of infants while watching games on TV. Both of them also have Barrack Obama as their first President when they were born.

Every child’s birthday is special. And for every parent, it is a moment to celebrate and commemorate the day they  received their special gift from heaven.

It is ironic for me. I am very happy to celebrate my children’s birthdays but at the same time I feel sad because it brings back the most painful memory I had on my journey. This started last year in 2015. It all began from my first born’s birthday and ended on my second child’s birthday. 

I am sure people have forgotten. They have moved on and lived their lives. But as for us, we are not sure how. We will always feel and remember as long as we are here.

July 19 was my first born’s birthday. It was the last time I had a Facetime chat with my Father. Up to now I remember the conversation that we had. His words I can still hear.

July 21. He was sent to the hospital and got intubated.  He was unconscious for 3 days. He woke up on the third night and was terrified with his condition. He could not speak anymore. He did not like the tube and the wires.  He and my brother had a moment together. My brother told him I was coming home. And he nodded. He knew I was coming home. But early dawn the next day…

July 25 He had a cardiac arrest. They revived him after a while. But he was believed to be brain dead then later on into comma. I had to fly right away to see him. It happened so fast.

And we were in the dark for the next 14 days of my life . I stayed in the hospital did not go anywhere. https://partandparcel2014.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/14-day-journey/

August 5. I went out and saw the saddest sunset. I was on the phone with my sister telling her that the “takipsilim” or dusk looked very  sad. All our hopes were going down with the sun. That night, almost midnight, he passed away. First time to go to the house where I grew up. But it was dark and empty. I fell asleep on his bed.

August 8. It was my youngest child’s birthday. It was also my Father’s burial/interment. Part of my heart was buried with him. After a few hours I had to fly back to my family. It was night time when I arrived at home. It was not too late to watch my 3 year old blow the candle on her birthday cake.

 

 

Mother’s Day 2016

Pretty hands have grown old through the years

Doing all kinds of chores and caring for me

Those wrinkly eyes still have their glow

Always watching over me.

Now that I have grown

Got a family of my own

Something will forever be the same

Her heart wishing me all the best

Her heart full of love for me

~ Tin Lazaro

Carmen is her name.  From Latin origin, it means “song,” “tune,” or “poem” and is also the root of the English word charm. Truly, she is music. It has always been her first love. And I thank her for bringing music into our lives. From then until now, she has always been so generous to me and my siblings. Whenever she would get home, she has little things for us. More importantly, she always gives us the emotional support we need. She rescues us and lifts us up when we are troubled.. She has always been so selfless putting our happiness and welfare before hers. She is our guide, our light.

Evelyn is her name. She raised me too. She was a great influence in giving us the best education we can ever have. I remember her enrolling us in schools, taking us to music classes (voice and flute) and even taking us to our facial care sessions in high school. She has also influenced me in terms of religious/church affiliation… A woman does not have to bear the child to become a mother. You can raise children and be a mother too. It does not have to be biological. It is all about the love and care through the years.

I have aunties/Tita/Tia (both blood related and not) who I look up to as Moms. They are the women who inspire me, who support me and care for me through the different chapters in my life as a wife and mother.

I also remember my mother-in-law, Araceli,  who gave life to my better half, the reason I have become a mother too.  I remember my sisters and girl friends who are mothers as well.  I think about all the mothers around who have dedicated their lives to raising children. Raising kids is a complex and yet beautiful mission. It goes beyond providing material/physical needs. There is emotional, intellectual, and spiritual responsibilities. It is a mission for life.

No mother is perfect. Not even me. We just keep doing our best to give our children a good life, a solid foundation that will guide them even when we will no longer be around. We keep doing our best in giving them happy memories.

Play with them, read to them, converse with them. We keep praying for them.

This song I played is dedicated to all the Mommies in the world. It is entitled “Sa Ugoy ng Duyan, ” a Filipino lullaby co-written by Lucio San Pedro and Levi Celerio, who were both National Artists of the Philippines.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sa_Ugoy_ng_Duyan

“The lyrics are written in the first person point of view. It is made up of two stanzas, with four lines each.

In the first stanza, the singer wishes that his childhood and his memories of his mother will never fade. He also wants to hear his mother’s song again, which to him is a song of love.

In the second stanza, he describes his sleep as being peaceful, while stars watch and guard him. For him, his life becomes heaven whenever his mother sings him her lullaby. Finally, he reveals the reason for his longing: he is enduring some hardship, and this is why he was longing for his mother’s lullaby.

In the final line (coda), the singer addresses his mother and wishes that he could sleep again in his old cradle.”

Promoting Values

Literally, every time I watch this commercial, tears flow from my eyes. No matter how many times I have seen it. It is funny how my children look at me or call me whenever it is on.

I guess I think about my daughter and my husband.  I think about my dad. I think about childhood and parenting. Children growing up. People growing old. I ponder on the cycle of life. Of how we all have common experiences in life. And no matter how sad or scary, we all have to go through it. And of course, never fail to see the happiness and beauty that also come with it.

 

It’s Your Birthday

After we dropped off my son to school, my baby girl and I swung by the store and got a balloon. She picked a purple balloon shaped as a heart. We headed to the church and said a prayer. I found a petition book close to the altar and started writing my prayer for today.

I said, “Dear God please kiss my dad for me and wish him a happy birthday. Tell him we miss him everyday and we love him. May our love see him through. I will see you someday.” I could not help the tears when I was writing my prayer. This is his first birthday in heaven. His presence is truly missed. I remembered telling him last Father’s Day (in June) that I will come for his birthday this year. And I will never forget how he said “Ok, I’ll be here. I’ll be here.” I was heart broken because I am thinking I should have gone see him last year. If I had known it would be his last. I guess I have to just let that one go.

Came home after church. I cooked a Filipino meal which is usually served when there are parties. This afternoon I will cook Pancit Bihon and try to bake some Puto Yema. Most importantly, a candle was lit for him. Our thoughts are with him. Prayers are said for him.

Eternal rest grant unto the soul of Hermoso Tan Lazaro and let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul rest in peace…

 

I Remember

Random memories of you often visit me 
Especially at times when I am still

Suddenly the rain pours down…

Ordinary Day

I wish I can talk about something else just like before. Seeing beauty in simple things, so much positivity striving to live a more meaningful life. 

Honestly I am not sure what I feel at present. Definitely it is not vibrant and lovely.  There are days it feels just so ordinary. I go on with my routine taking care of my family and our home. Alongside with it, there are minor distractions. At least I try to convince my mind that it is just minor and does not deserve my energy… But yes, life goes on. It will never pause, never stop even if you lose something or someone. I am living the reality of life. Trying to just move along, going with the flow. Ignoring what is inside, maybe a turmoil, some sadness and darkness. 

The other day I just burst into tears. I usually do not cry. And if I do, it is just for a while. A memory suddenly came to me. I remember maybe it was last Fathers Day, when I was on the phone with my Dad. I just told him I am planning to visit him next year and I could not figure out yet the schedule. I had to wait for my son’s school calendar and work out my visit. I remember he said, “Okay, I’ll be here…” 

A Sad Night

I am double sad…. First, my dad is still in the hospital. I still hope he will be better. I hope he will be healed and will regain his health. The good thing is I will be flying back home but I have to leave my kids behind. It is my very first time to be away from them and it drives me crazy. Separation anxiety. But I should keep thinking that all these things happen for a reason.