Sad Trip Memories

I will not forget the saddest trip I had in my life. It was exactly two years ago today. I can still remember being by myself at the airport. I was just crying on my seat. I could not help it and I did not care anymore. While the rest of the people around me looked so happy and excited, I was just broken. It was a very difficult time, that day and the next two weeks.

I flew right away as I heard that our father was resuscitated. Everything was just so sudden. I had to fly thousands of miles just to get in time. It was somehow a blessing to still find him there although he was already unconscious. I am not sure up to now if he even knew I was there. And watching him for the next 14 days was traumatic.

I wrote about that experience here right after I came back home. Losing a person very close to your heart is very painful beyond words. It was raw and unedited. Until today, I still do not have the courage to read it over again.

This morning, my sister and I were talking. She said something. “Most days are so busy, we go about our lives without thinking about him.. but there are definitely times when a lot of things around us no matter how simple remind us if him. And those moments we think of him is just heart breaking and makes me feel like crying.” It is true, I try not to think of him because it makes me sad.  However, it is just unavoidable. The person you love will always be a part of you.

I hear a lot of times some people would like to say “MOVE ON”. What does moving on mean?  Yes, we have moved on. We have continued to live our lives. But when you talk about someone you love, who has passed, it just means that you remember them. You miss them and that you love them. And that is absolutely natural. It is okay.

We remember.

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On That Day

It was July 2, 2014 when my kids and I left. We came home for a month to take care of him after being so ill. But that day I felt relieved. At least, I knew that he was doing much better before saying goodbye. Although he was in so much pain and was still very weak, he got up using his walking aid. In my head I can still see him standing from afar, watching us as we were walking down this path.

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Photo Credit: Lyn Lazaro, my sister-in-law

The next time I saw him was the following year, July 26, 2015. Comatose. God gave me a chance to be with him for 9 days. It is just sad that my last memories of him was those painful days in the hospital.

It has been six months now since he left. Earlier, I started deleting some photos from my phone taken when he was in the hospital. Maybe this is a sign of healing. But I still could not help the tears when I think about him…