First Christmas Without Her

When we go to church every Sunday, I always notice a couple who I think are on their 80’s. Although they’re very old, I can definitely still see and feel their love for each other. They look very happy.

I remember in July 2016, they had to sit close to us because the church was packed. I could hear the old man singing so beautifully. Before leaving, the old man handed us a prayer pamphlet. It was a devotion to St. Joseph. The old lady had a very sweet smile.

Sometime in October 2016, the church recognized all the couples who celebrated their wedding anniversary. This couple was one of them. I heard they celebrated their 57 years together. So after the mass, I came up to them to congratulate them. I told them that they are an inspiration to young married couples like us. I saw the old lady’s face beaming and they proudly talked about their kids, grand kids, and great grand children. I gave them a hug and said bye.

In November 2016, I noticed that the old man was alone. For a few weeks, I wanted to come up to him to ask how he was but never got the chance. I had a feeling and I hope I was wrong.

Last night, my eyes were fixed on the old man. It is a week before Christmas and I decided to greet him a Merry Christmas in advance after the service. His name is Raul. It is the first Christmas without her after 57 years. He said he always sees her in spirit.

We talked for a while. I mentioned about my Dad who passed away last year. Somehow when I see Raul he reminds me of him. Same age. Both wearing their favorite beige/khaki jacket. After mentioning about my Dad, Raul said at age 82. I was so shocked how he knew that my Dad was 82 when he died. He said it just came to his mind and that the spirit works in mysterious ways. I gave him a hug and told him that I’ll pray for his  beautiful and sweet wife.

I know I will be seeing Raul by himself every church time, and I pray that I will see him for a very long time. I can’t help but think again about the bitter reality of growing old, death, dying, and being left alone. And for us who are left behind, we have to live and keep going.

I also remember my Tatay (Dad) and Mommy who were together for 53 years. This January 2017 is supposed to be their 55th Anniversary. Here is a photo of them taken by my sister that year  before he passed away. One of the most beautiful and meaningful photos I keep.

tay-and-mommy

 

 

 

Advertisements

The Story Of Love

FRIENDSHIP

LOVE

COURTSHIP

MARRIAGE

LIFELONG COMMITMENT

A PROMISE TO GOD, TO EACH OTHER, AND EVERYONE AS WITNESS

Ups and downs

In sickness and in health

In the midst of a world full of choices and options

With brimming temptations of new and exciting things

With challenges too along the way.

Would you do your darn best to take care of what you have?

Or give in to a moment to shatter what is real?

RESPECT

CARE for the other as you care for yourself

Though physically there are two different beings,

Should be one journey, one life.

Love is powerful

AND THIS IS POSSIBLE…

Up-movie-picnic_610

http://www.chicagonow.com

up-5

www.chipandco.com

family

familyfocusblog.com

tumblr_m4tesprhLs1r3tlbto1_500

bossip.com

So  at the end of our days

We will have that somebody by our side

To remind us of that beautiful journey

And to kiss us goodbye

up-3

thedisneyhousewife.wordpress.com

And She Is Broken

She married him.

They were best friends. They were very much in love. They have been through a lot together. Adventures shared. Tears and laughter. He adores her and we see how he takes care of her.

They tried to have children. Failed twice, souls traumatized. The pain of losing a child is beyond imagination. God is still merciful, the third one made it at last. A beautiful and healthy angel is now in their midst. Now they are complete. They are a family. It is a perfect wonderful world!

It changed in a day. A cheating heart. Betrayal. It crushed her spirit. Numbness. She could not feel anything. Pain, too much pain. But she did not wail, cry, or lash out. Just very sad. Heart torn into pieces.

Giving it a second chance. Struggle everyday. Bitter reminders. Mixed emotions. It is a nightmare. Could not believe it just happened. What to do? Why would you throw something away quickly? People make mistakes. Do not throw everything away. She feels his remorse. He is hurting too but his tears can not take the pain away or undo the damage. Broken trust. She slowly feels the anger. But still longs for healing and forgiveness. She clings to the love they have shared. And chooses to believe in it.

How do you mend a broken heart? A broken spirit? In time. Will love save them? When does a heart finally forgive while the mind does not forget? How do you deal with each day? Reminding you of the mistake or the sin your loved one has caused you?

Then she cries:

“I hope one day soon, all these hate will go away and I can see you again.

I hope one day soon I can look at you again and not see all the reasons why I should hate you.

I hope and I pray that one day soon, I can finally look at you and only see all the reasons why I love you…”

Remember Your Marriage Vow

Our loved ones in life are one of the most importance sources of our happiness. Their love feed our souls. Our relationship with them gives more meaning to our lives. With them we feel safe. We are home. So imagine what it feels like if a loved is the person who hurt you, who betray you?  With this, I say that the greatest pain we can experience is a loved one causing our heartache.

“I take you to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” The priest will then say aloud “You have declared your consent before the Church. May the Lord in his goodness strengthen your consent and fill you both with his blessings. What God has joined, men must not divide. Amen.

It is unimaginable how can a spouse cheat on his/her partner in life? I know this condition has been in existence from a long time ago and everywhere in the world. I still feel this is not an excuse.  I do not understand why would you fall into this temptation. Why did you let yourself fall into it? Why did you play with fire? Why did you not step back and turn your back? Why did you not value your spouse and everything that you have shared from the beginning you fell in love? Why did you  not value your family, your child,  and the love/respect of everyone? Why did you hurt that person who you intended to grow old with and walk side by side in this journey? Why did you not keep your promises to God and to your spouse? Have you forgotten? Have you seen something new, something exciting? These new things will grow old too. Maybe you have forgotten…

Infidelity is hard to understand. Why it happens.  I would still love to believe that true love will last for eternity. I hope human beings are capable of doing that! If not, I am afraid I am starting to think less of them now. But I will not give in. I would still hope. It saddens me and gives me a heavy heart to know that someone very close to me is hurting. We have not spoken since she prefers to be alone. I said let her feel what she should feel. It is a process. Let her have all the time she needs. As long as she knows we are here. May God strengthen her. Give her wisdom so she will know what to do. Give her courage to stand by her decisions.

God, bless all the married couples. May You keep their love burning for each other. Like a little seed, please take care of them. Make them strong so they will grow and bloom, and stand for life. Let now storm bring them down.

Good Husbandry

He uses his clothes until its “last breath”.  I can not wait to use them as my cleaning clothes. Takes a long time for that shirt to retire. He has always been a wise spender.  Good husbandry.

I told him, “I want to buy you some new shorts for the summer.”

He replied (as I predicted), “No I have enough. I do not want to own a lot of material things. I want to be  minimalist.”

I was just struck by his words. I do not want to own a lot of material things. I know I married a special man. He is different. In a good way I guess. He is not too vain. His values just do not rely on material possessions.

Well, his birthday is coming up soon. I always have a hard time thinking of what to give this man who is never materialistic. Maybe a birthday card, a message of love, and just my love? : – )

My Perfect Guy

She held a piece of paper in her hand. It was a prayer about finding the perfect husband. As she closed her eyes, she solemnly said the prayer everyday. Sometimes more than once a day.  The prayer mentioned some good qualities of a good husband. She met some good men but she knew they were not the one. When he came, she knew right away. Was it the prayer? The universe conspired with her. She was blessed to meet the guy perfect for her, and she married him.

IMG_6373

He has always been calm and gentle, very slow to anger (or rarely gets upset or mad). She tends to be temperamental.

He is always focused. Her minds wander a lot.

He is care free. She tends to be a worrier.

He has always been rational. She tends to be emotional.

He is reserved. She is more expressive.

He is not so domesticated. He does not mind if the bed is not made. She always makes sure the house is clean, organized, and beautiful. It bothers her if she sees a mess.

He likes outdoors especially gardening. She prefers indoors and cooking.

He is a certified bookworm. She reads depending on mood or interest.

He is into finance and sports magazines. She is not interested in them at all.

She loses things, he always finds them.

Maybe they have a point when they say opposites attract? But it is more of complementing each other.

Both of them are more introverts. They both enjoy families and friends around but love their privacy more.

They are more home buddies. They love staying home and playing with the children .

They love watching their favorite TV shows and movies after putting the kids to sleep while snacking.

Both of them see that their children, next to their marriage is their top priority.

TWO IMPERFECT PEOPLE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER….

IMG_6398

(Dedicated to my husband who is celebrating his birthday soon in April. Also for our upcoming 8th Wedding Anniversary)

Will The Truth Set Me Free?

I wanted to write about this for a long time now but I have always been hesitant.  I am afraid that people will make judgments about me (based on experience, there are people who are very quick on making judgments without the proper “trial”). Another reason is I am worried to hurt somebody I love. I am ashamed, and I am not proud about these feelings.

These past few days I feel anxious again. I am not so sure if I was traumatized but certainly there is something not normal about what I feel. For some of you reading this, you may have experienced anxiety. It comes in different forms. For me, when I think of a particular person or I hear her voice, my physical reaction is heart beating fast, feeling dizzy, and getting really nervous. It is just automatic. It was like conditioned. When I hear her voice or I see her calling, I get all those weird feelings that make me feel so weak. With just the thought that I will see her sometime someday, it makes me just want to disappear. Is this trauma? Why did I brought this to myself? Why did I let it happen to me? Maybe I am just being too irrational or emotional. I should not have let emotions swallow me. Is it too late? God knows I have done my best to overcome this. Sometimes I try to “immune” myself. They say if you expose yourself little by little to something that you fear, you will get used to it, accept it, and then you fear no more. I try it a couple of times. I do not fear her but I feel weird.  I guess I still have a long way to go. I pray too. May God’s healing power heal my emotions, my soul, my mind and just be normal around her. I have faith that I will get there. For now, I think I am still in the process.

It is almost exactly a year ago when for the first time, I felt so liberated, so happy. I can not explain the happiness and the peace I felt on that day. The universe might have conspired with me this time. There was a comforting silence in the house. Most importantly, there was complete silence in my head, in my heart, in my soul. I have never felt that for a long time.  Of course, I am so embarrassed to say it. I will not go into details of the many petty clashes in our little house. I am not even sure if she cared about it.  Overtime it just built a wall between us. Or I built a wall around me. I am so sad that eventually it turned out so weird. I can not explain why it led to that moment. I truly feel sorry about it.  Maybe it all started off on a wrong foot? Incompatibility? In any relationship definitely there should be compatibility. Too much differences in personality, values, way of thinking?  So many things that transpired along the way,  but there is one thing I was sure about. It was not healthy living together anymore.It came to the point when I dread waking up. When I did not want to be at home.  But I have kids. I did not want to affect them as well. I thought of leaving with the kids and try the life back home with my parents. But what did it mean? What could it look like?  Broken relationship with my husband who I love dearly? He is very close to the kids and it will kill me to see them apart. I felt so trapped for 7 years thinking about other people, thinking about the situation. I felt no choice. I felt so trapped. Getting annoyed most of the time and hating myself for being me! It does not matter what she did or what I did. The point is when things are not working out, you try to hold on to it and do your best to solve it or make things better. But when things do not really work out anymore, then something has to be done to save whatever can be saved. Maybe some things or people are just not meant to be together. Added to my anxiety is what OTHERS might think or say. I know from experience how others can naturally be judgmental, as if they do not make mistakes, as if they never get in conflict with their own families. Some people will just take sides without an open mind, without being objective. The truth is,  I tend to have a people pleaser personality. I just learned overtime that this can not be possible. We can not please everybody. We have to make choices and hurt someone along the way. It is us who go through our own lives. Others do not. They are outsiders.

I am trying to help myself conquer this negative emotion. I pray a lot that I will feel NOTHING when I see her again. She is still family, so no matter how unpleasant the experience is living under one roof with her, the right thing to do is to accept her and respect her. I am hopeful. But I am still nervous. I am afraid of feeling certain emotions again such as dislike or hatred. I was afraid of myself too. I hated myself on those times. I guess it was really self destructive since there were conflicts within me. As what I always do, I try to rationalize. It was nobody’s fault. It was just a bad chemistry. Nothing was intentional. She was a good person too. Things happen for a reason. There is still hope. I tell myself it is not too late. It is already in the past. We still have tomorrow. There should always be a room for forgiveness.

I have a baby girl. When she marries someday, I will make sure she will be free from this kind of stress!