Mother’s Day 2016

Pretty hands have grown old through the years

Doing all kinds of chores and caring for me

Those wrinkly eyes still have their glow

Always watching over me.

Now that I have grown

Got a family of my own

Something will forever be the same

Her heart wishing me all the best

Her heart full of love for me

~ Tin Lazaro

Carmen is her name.  From Latin origin, it means “song,” “tune,” or “poem” and is also the root of the English word charm. Truly, she is music. It has always been her first love. And I thank her for bringing music into our lives. From then until now, she has always been so generous to me and my siblings. Whenever she would get home, she has little things for us. More importantly, she always gives us the emotional support we need. She rescues us and lifts us up when we are troubled.. She has always been so selfless putting our happiness and welfare before hers. She is our guide, our light.

Evelyn is her name. She raised me too. She was a great influence in giving us the best education we can ever have. I remember her enrolling us in schools, taking us to music classes (voice and flute) and even taking us to our facial care sessions in high school. She has also influenced me in terms of religious/church affiliation… A woman does not have to bear the child to become a mother. You can raise children and be a mother too. It does not have to be biological. It is all about the love and care through the years.

I have aunties/Tita/Tia (both blood related and not) who I look up to as Moms. They are the women who inspire me, who support me and care for me through the different chapters in my life as a wife and mother.

I also remember my mother-in-law, Araceli,  who gave life to my better half, the reason I have become a mother too.  I remember my sisters and girl friends who are mothers as well.  I think about all the mothers around who have dedicated their lives to raising children. Raising kids is a complex and yet beautiful mission. It goes beyond providing material/physical needs. There is emotional, intellectual, and spiritual responsibilities. It is a mission for life.

No mother is perfect. Not even me. We just keep doing our best to give our children a good life, a solid foundation that will guide them even when we will no longer be around. We keep doing our best in giving them happy memories.

Play with them, read to them, converse with them. We keep praying for them.

This song I played is dedicated to all the Mommies in the world. It is entitled “Sa Ugoy ng Duyan, ” a Filipino lullaby co-written by Lucio San Pedro and Levi Celerio, who were both National Artists of the Philippines.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sa_Ugoy_ng_Duyan

“The lyrics are written in the first person point of view. It is made up of two stanzas, with four lines each.

In the first stanza, the singer wishes that his childhood and his memories of his mother will never fade. He also wants to hear his mother’s song again, which to him is a song of love.

In the second stanza, he describes his sleep as being peaceful, while stars watch and guard him. For him, his life becomes heaven whenever his mother sings him her lullaby. Finally, he reveals the reason for his longing: he is enduring some hardship, and this is why he was longing for his mother’s lullaby.

In the final line (coda), the singer addresses his mother and wishes that he could sleep again in his old cradle.”

How Do You Explain Falling In Love?

My seven year old boy saw some photos from my phone. They were pictures from my wedding day. One is when my father was walking me down the isle.  The other was when he kissed me and gave me away.

I explained to my boy how the wedding ceremony goes particularly that symbol of giving the daughter away. As expected, he asked me a lot of questions. I am really often amazed on what children ask. As a grown up, I appreciate their purity, their innocence and their curiosity.

He was asking these:

“Why kissing goodbye?  Why do they give the daughter away?”

“Where do the parents go after the march? Does the daughter go with them? “I explained to him that she has to go with her soon to be husband. And the parents will just have to be there to watch.

“How will you know who to marry? Who chooses the person you will marry? The girl? The boy? Both? or the parents?  But there are so many people in the world…” 

In my heart I knew one day he will know the answers to his questions. That is the time when he falls in love. I simply told him that when he is a grown up, maybe he will meet someone. They will get to know each other. They will be friends. And they will fall in love. Being together is a mutual decision.

“When I get married, will I go to another country too?”  My son knew my story how I left home. I told him that it depends. He may or may not go far away. Then he added,

“Can we stay in one house then?” And I said “No. I will live in my own house.” And I know (based on experience) that if possible, that’s what a new couple need when they’re starting their life together.

He added “Can our houses be close to each other? Can we be neighbors?” I replied, “I think that is fine…”

Then he stopped asking. I guess he had an idea, and he was satisfied with my answers.

 

 

 

Winter Break

For stay at home moms out there, I know some of you can relate to this. Now that it is winter break, kids are home.  I hear voices always saying, “Look Mom, Look Mom!” All at the same time. Simultaneous. While doing chores : ) It can get crazy. Need energy boosters!!!

Final Hour

Exactly four months ago at this very time the most terrifying thing in my life was happening. Standing outside of the ICU watching everything. My Dad’s final hour. 

Eternal rest grant unto Atty. Hermoso Tan Lazaro Oh Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul rest in peace. 

The Last Moments

Once again, I just realized something last night. After I put the kids to sleep, I sat down on the couch to have a little quiet time. My eyes gazed upon the pictures of these men from the little corner of our room.

From the left is my father-in-law and then my dad. It was just last night that I realized that I was the last family member to see them before they both passed away. So it feels weird and more sad to know that I witnessed their last moments.

It was afternoon. I was home with my father-in-law, and my husband was still at work. I was in the living room and he told me that he was going out to get those gallons of water from a nearby store. He had a little pushing cart with him. It was passed 2pm so I told him why not wait for his son so he did not have to walk?  It was April 24, 2007. He said it was fine and besides, he needed to exercise. He told me he was going to go through the back door, and then he left. And at passed 3pm, he had an accident on the road and that was his end.

As for my Dad, for those of you who have not read my recent blogs, he just passed away two months ago. And with his passing, I wrote quite a few things about the experience and about him (you can check this entry: 14 day journey). Last August 4, 2015 (Tuesday) he had to undergo Tracheostomy. A tracheostomy is a surgery to make a hole in your neck that goes into your windpipe. He needed a  tracheostomy since he was on a breathing machine (ventilator) for a long time. They needed to remove the intubator that was attached to him for two weeks to prevent further infections. I was informed that I should follow down to the operating room. I was there waiting outside. I was praying and thinking about him that finally, he would be relieved to get that thing off him. I waited and finally the doctor called me in to tell me that the procedure was done and everything was fine. I was so relieved. I waited until I saw him and the nurses pushing his bed. They had to give him Oxygen since he was depending on the breathing machine. They took the elevator and I took the stairs to meet them at the Intensive Care Unit. He was unconscious and I was watching him. The nurse was checking everything. She told me to rest and everything is stable with my dad. I sent text messages to my siblings to tell them that the procedure was successful and we can all go to sleep. I think it was around 10:30pm. Then after one hour, it was the end of his dear life.

For sure I will never forget these last moments…

I Remember

Random memories of you often visit me 
Especially at times when I am still

Suddenly the rain pours down…

Grieve

Every night I stay up an hour or two

Just thinking about you …

Until The Day We Meet

Today is the second week we first saw him in the coffin. 
It was the first day of wake. 
My mind can not stop going back to memories of the past. I always remember exactly a month ago I spoke to him. Two weeks ago, a week ago this and that happened.
I know I will never be able to keep up with time. Soon I will stop thinking how many days, weeks or months have passed. I know the time will come when I will just look forward…just what he wants us all to do. 
The pain will slowly go away but the love for my father will remain. It will be within me until I see him again…

After The Burial

Exactly a week ago, we physically said goodbye to our father. It was his interment. Everyday, sadness is a constant feeling in my heart. Mommy Eve and my siblings also feel the same way. We have to deal with it everyday. Memories flood me. I look at his pictures everyday…

I was at the park last Tuesday morning at 8:30 am. While I was looking at the beautiful view, the trees, the magnificent skies, I was remembering that it was the time last week that I was at the Intensive Care Unit watching my father die.

Sometimes it still feels very surreal, how the present time suddenly becomes a past.  I close my eyes and I see I was crying at the airport. Next I see my Tatay suffering everyday. Then I see myself looking at his lifeless body. Followed by the wake and then the burial. Now I am back to my life here in the US carrying all these memories in my heart.

This morning I organized my closet. I set aside all my colorful clothes and put out the black, white, and greys. It is part of the culture/tradition in the Philippines when mourning to wear these colors for a year. So for this remaining year and until August 5, 2016 I shall have my new “wardrobe”. I love wearing bright colors but this time, the black, white and grey completely describe how I feel about losing my father.

I know things will get better in time.  I will just have to go through this. This is part of living, part of being alive. To experience loss of a loved one.

Trivia (Lifted from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mourning#Philippines)

“The Filipino practices for mourning have influences from Chinese, Japanese and folk Catholic beliefs. People may wear white or black. The color red is frowned upon in the time of mourning, it is believed that those who wear red within 9–40 days will die or suffer illness. The consumption of chicken during the wake and funeral is also believed to bring death among the relatives. There is an initial 9-day mourning practice called Pasiyam, a novena is to be prayed by those who are mourning. During those 9 days the spirit of the deceased is believed to be roaming. 40 Days, similar to the Buddhist practice of 49 days, is a folk Filipino Catholic practice of commemorating the dead after 40 days from their death date. A Mass and a small feast are held to commemorate the dead during the 40-day period, the 40th day as their judgment day. The immediate family wear black and when the one-year period is over, the first death anniversary will signal the end of mourning – celebrated by a feast.”