I just learned about one big news that will change my life. I can not tell you right now, but I will for sure. Soon.
Have you ever had that feeling that you strongly need to write down some things in your head but could not find how to begin or how to say them?
When that feeling is overflowing and words are just too much? And you just do not have all the time to sit down and figure it out?
I sound overwhelmed, confused, then maybe a little anxious (but it does not mean I am unhappy). There is just the strong urge to mentally figure things out and one way that has always been a big help to me is whenever I write them down. In relation to where I am at the moment, I guess my blogging here is not really for other people but for myself… Although partly, I really wish I inspire others too in little ways since I am already connecting outside of myself.
This is how I cope up. I write. Something I have always done since childhood. The only difference is paper and pencil versus the technology.
I am babbling now. I do not know if I made sense. I am sure I am going to write about this next time. I will figure it out. And you will understand what is going on in this crazy head of mine : )
A friend visited me last year. He was my Professor from College until in the Graduate School. He works now in a University here in the US. He was even one of my mentors when I did my paper. With God’s help, I was able to finish the degree Master of Science in Psychology Major in Psychological Measurement. and I was able to do work for seven years related to the field.
So when I got married and started a family, there have been changes. I joke about it a lot with my husband. I tell him that I have the best education/career ever. Master of Science in Child Rearing and Housekeeping! And I have been an Administrator for years now running a house from food, to clothes, family schedules, child education, and everything! For free! (except when I go online shopping).
Seriously, when I see posts from social media how some of my friends have advanced in their careers, I ask myself how do I feel about myself. Yes sometimes I would imagine how I would be like if I chose a different path. Then I would ask are we here because of our choice or we are just destined to be where we are right now… or a combination of both?
I believe that one should just do his/her best each time, in every moment or chapter of life. And try to appreciate the now, where you are right now. It is true that when you count your blessings and appreciate all that you have, you will feel happy. Contented.
Once again, I just realized something last night. After I put the kids to sleep, I sat down on the couch to have a little quiet time. My eyes gazed upon the pictures of these men from the little corner of our room.
From the left is my father-in-law and then my dad. It was just last night that I realized that I was the last family member to see them before they both passed away. So it feels weird and more sad to know that I witnessed their last moments.
It was afternoon. I was home with my father-in-law, and my husband was still at work. I was in the living room and he told me that he was going out to get those gallons of water from a nearby store. He had a little pushing cart with him. It was passed 2pm so I told him why not wait for his son so he did not have to walk? It was April 24, 2007. He said it was fine and besides, he needed to exercise. He told me he was going to go through the back door, and then he left. And at passed 3pm, he had an accident on the road and that was his end.
As for my Dad, for those of you who have not read my recent blogs, he just passed away two months ago. And with his passing, I wrote quite a few things about the experience and about him (you can check this entry: 14 day journey). Last August 4, 2015 (Tuesday) he had to undergo Tracheostomy. A tracheostomy is a surgery to make a hole in your neck that goes into your windpipe. He needed a tracheostomy since he was on a breathing machine (ventilator) for a long time. They needed to remove the intubator that was attached to him for two weeks to prevent further infections. I was informed that I should follow down to the operating room. I was there waiting outside. I was praying and thinking about him that finally, he would be relieved to get that thing off him. I waited and finally the doctor called me in to tell me that the procedure was done and everything was fine. I was so relieved. I waited until I saw him and the nurses pushing his bed. They had to give him Oxygen since he was depending on the breathing machine. They took the elevator and I took the stairs to meet them at the Intensive Care Unit. He was unconscious and I was watching him. The nurse was checking everything. She told me to rest and everything is stable with my dad. I sent text messages to my siblings to tell them that the procedure was successful and we can all go to sleep. I think it was around 10:30pm. Then after one hour, it was the end of his dear life.
It is true what they say that you will never truly understand something unless you experience it yourself.
In the past, I felt sorry for family and friends who lost their loved ones. I went to wakes, funeral services, and showed compassion. There were times when I also wept with them. But then my life went on. I just feel sad when I remember those who passed away and I say my prayers to them.
Losing someone who is actually very close to your heart can actually be different. I refer to the loss of a parent, sibling, spouse, child or a very close friend. I have felt the change in me. Days pass by, months go by, and I carry that feeling of sadness in my heart, that feeling of loss. I believe it will linger even in the years to come and for the rest of my life. I guess this is something constant as I move along.
This little feeling in me reminds me of the bittersweet reality of life. It is just a cycle. I can imagine how my kids will feel the same way when it will be my turn someday. All of us will feel a loss. And all of us will leave our loved ones behind. For those of us who are still here, we have to make the most out of our lives. Cherish the memories of the people who left. Be reminded about the many reasons why we have to be grateful each day, be more human, and loving to the people who are part of our journey.
It is 12 noon right now, September 12, 2015. In the Philippines, it is already 3am of September 13. Today is the 4oth day after the death of my father.
“The 40th Day after death is a traditional memorial service, family gathering, ceremonies and rituals in memory of the departed on the 40th day after his/her death. The 40th Day concludes the 40 day memorial period and has a major significance in traditions of Orthodox Slavs. It is believed that the soul of the departed remains wandering on Earth during the 40 day period, coming back home, visiting places the departed has lived in as well as his fresh grave (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/40th_Day_after_death).”
At around 1am earlier, my daughter woke up. I had to put her back to sleep. I also had to go out of the bedroom to lower down the AC temperature. Something startled me. Walking through the isle, I saw a our radio/cd player was lit up and the radio was on playing music! It was loud and tuned in to our favorite FM station. I was not scared but it gave me goosebumps! I took courage and walked in the dark to unplug the radio/cd player. It happened a couple of times already in the past. I am sure it is an electrical issue or an appliance issue. Maybe it is just a coincidence that it happened now on the 40th day after his passing. Maybe he is saying goodbye?
Rest In Peace my beloved and forever love. You will be truly missed everyday. Your memories will stay in our hearts.
Eternal rest grant unto him O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.
I woke up this morning and reality hit me once more. A lot of family and friends may forget as we go on with our lives, but as for me and my siblings, it will always be a constant mark. It has exactly been a month. Today is the 5th of September. It is hard to believe that he is really gone, and that I will never ever get to see or talk to him again. I miss him all the time. And I would always look back to that night of July 18, our last conversation. I replayed it in my head.
Everyday I have “good” distractions. I take care of my children, my family, and my home. And I know he is very proud of that. He would always tell me that it is a very good thing that I am hands on with my children especially during their younger years. He has always believed of that important role of being a woman. My father lost his mother when he was seven. So I am sure while growing up, he missed her a lot. I hope he is now catching up with grandma, and that he is having the happiest/best time!
I was rocking my baby girl to sleep before I wrote this. And suddenly my thoughts were about my old man. My sister and I would always hear him sing a song. I just remember this line “When you grow to be a lady, you’ll be a queen, a lovely queen. Walking…” That is the only line that stuck in my head. I knew he sang that to me when I was a baby and he would always tell me about it while I was growing up.
At this particular moment of my life, that song became very special. I tried to looked it up online. I searched in YouTube but nothing came up. I googled it and the search result was very limited. I could neither find the singer nor the song writer. At least I found the lyrics.
When I grow to be a Lady…
I’ll be a queen, a lovely queen
Walking in a garden shady…
In gown of green
with silver sheen
maids in gowns and gold shall follow me
And suitors of a high degree
When I grow to be a lady…
A fine and lovely queenly lady
Then my Prince will come to claim his own
And love will crown me to my throne.
It is very heart warming to know for the first time what the song is all about. And I can clearly hear his voice singing it.