One sunny morning, I was hanging out with my kids in the pool. Then a very interesting conversation happened. I do not recall how we ended up talking about it but my son was asking about my love stories. I then recalled the feelings of falling in love, of being in love, as well as the tears and the heartaches that go with it.
There’s a relationship that you outgrow. You think you would want to spend the rest of your life with that special someone but as you mature, you will realize that you just don’t. Maybe it is due to differences in values, priorities, and/or timing.
Sometimes you will meet someone you finally like but you will end up friend zoned. I remember this guy who would always come visit me at work, hung out with me, and called me even at night just to talk about other girls . And you realize after a while you were so stupid to listen to his crazy stories.
There are times when you meet someone and you thought you have something special. He would call you from overseas on a regular basis then one day would just disappear. You will figure out that he found someone else.
Sometimes you would think you have met your soulmate. But they don’t really stay for long.
There are unspoken feelings. Feelings you just keep to yourself. And the person would never ever know how you felt about him/her.
And there is a love meant for you.
And love never ends. It is beautiful. It is painful. It makes life meaningful.
It is true what they say. In time you will no longer feel much pain. You will keep moving. You’ll finally get used to the absence.
As much as I love him, I try not to dwell on the thought that we lost him. I try to see it in a different perspective. He lives in us, we carry him in our hearts.
I still cry but not as much as I did. When he crosses my mind I feel sad but I feel much stronger now.
Although there are moments when I can’t help the tears especially when things around me bring vivid memories of him.
Like last night my kids were playing with their Dad. My little girl was walking on his back and saying that she’s giving him a massage. I remembered during our younger days when we would do the same. Tears fell from my eyes.
Just a while ago when we were watching one of our favorite comedy shows, if featured the 1980 something show called Knight Rider. I remembered the talking black car called KITT, that drove super fast, was bulletproof, fireproof, and helped Michael fought injustices in the world. It brought up some childhood memories. My siblings and I were fond of the super powered car that we named our family car, Kit. If I remember it right, our father even put up a moving light in front of our car pretending that we’re really driving Kit! Something like this:
Every morning, to wake up my kids, I put up the curtain and let the sunlight into our bedroom. I talk to them or sing to them just the way our old man did.
I know there will be more reminders along the way. One clear proof that our love ones continue to live…
Carmen is her name. From Latin origin, it means “song,” “tune,” or “poem” and is also the root of the English word charm. Truly, she is music. It has always been her first love. And I thank her for bringing music into our lives. From then until now, she has always been so generous to me and my siblings. Whenever she would get home, she has little things for us. More importantly, she always gives us the emotional support we need. She rescues us and lifts us up when we are troubled.. She has always been so selfless putting our happiness and welfare before hers. She is our guide, our light.
Evelyn is her name. She raised me too. She was a great influence in giving us the best education we can ever have. I remember her enrolling us in schools, taking us to music classes (voice and flute) and even taking us to our facial care sessions in high school. She has also influenced me in terms of religious/church affiliation… A woman does not have to bear the child to become a mother. You can raise children and be a mother too. It does not have to be biological. It is all about the love and care through the years.
I have aunties/Tita/Tia (both blood related and not) who I look up to as Moms. They are the women who inspire me, who support me and care for me through the different chapters in my life as a wife and mother.
I also remember my mother-in-law, Araceli, who gave life to my better half, the reason I have become a mother too. I remember my sisters and girl friends who are mothers as well. I think about all the mothers around who have dedicated their lives to raising children. Raising kids is a complex and yet beautiful mission. It goes beyond providing material/physical needs. There is emotional, intellectual, and spiritual responsibilities. It is a mission for life.
No mother is perfect. Not even me. We just keep doing our best to give our children a good life, a solid foundation that will guide them even when we will no longer be around. We keep doing our best in giving them happy memories.
Play with them, read to them, converse with them. We keep praying for them.
This song I played is dedicated to all the Mommies in the world. It is entitled “Sa Ugoy ng Duyan, ” a Filipino lullaby co-written by Lucio San Pedro and Levi Celerio, who were both National Artists of the Philippines.
“The lyrics are written in the first person point of view. It is made up of two stanzas, with four lines each.
In the first stanza, the singer wishes that his childhood and his memories of his mother will never fade. He also wants to hear his mother’s song again, which to him is a song of love.
In the second stanza, he describes his sleep as being peaceful, while stars watch and guard him. For him, his life becomes heaven whenever his mother sings him her lullaby. Finally, he reveals the reason for his longing: he is enduring some hardship, and this is why he was longing for his mother’s lullaby.
In the final line (coda), the singer addresses his mother and wishes that he could sleep again in his old cradle.”
It is true what they say that you will never truly understand something unless you experience it yourself.
In the past, I felt sorry for family and friends who lost their loved ones. I went to wakes, funeral services, and showed compassion. There were times when I also wept with them. But then my life went on. I just feel sad when I remember those who passed away and I say my prayers to them.
Losing someone who is actually very close to your heart can actually be different. I refer to the loss of a parent, sibling, spouse, child or a very close friend. I have felt the change in me. Days pass by, months go by, and I carry that feeling of sadness in my heart, that feeling of loss. I believe it will linger even in the years to come and for the rest of my life. I guess this is something constant as I move along.
This little feeling in me reminds me of the bittersweet reality of life. It is just a cycle. I can imagine how my kids will feel the same way when it will be my turn someday. All of us will feel a loss. And all of us will leave our loved ones behind. For those of us who are still here, we have to make the most out of our lives. Cherish the memories of the people who left. Be reminded about the many reasons why we have to be grateful each day, be more human, and loving to the people who are part of our journey.
It is 12 noon right now, September 12, 2015. In the Philippines, it is already 3am of September 13. Today is the 4oth day after the death of my father.
“The 40th Day after death is a traditional memorial service, family gathering, ceremonies and rituals in memory of the departed on the 40th day after his/her death. The 40th Day concludes the 40 day memorial period and has a major significance in traditions of Orthodox Slavs. It is believed that the soul of the departed remains wandering on Earth during the 40 day period, coming back home, visiting places the departed has lived in as well as his fresh grave (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/40th_Day_after_death).”
At around 1am earlier, my daughter woke up. I had to put her back to sleep. I also had to go out of the bedroom to lower down the AC temperature. Something startled me. Walking through the isle, I saw a our radio/cd player was lit up and the radio was on playing music! It was loud and tuned in to our favorite FM station. I was not scared but it gave me goosebumps! I took courage and walked in the dark to unplug the radio/cd player. It happened a couple of times already in the past. I am sure it is an electrical issue or an appliance issue. Maybe it is just a coincidence that it happened now on the 40th day after his passing. Maybe he is saying goodbye?
Rest In Peace my beloved and forever love. You will be truly missed everyday. Your memories will stay in our hearts.
Eternal rest grant unto him O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.
For me, one of the most difficult challenges in parenting is imposing discipline on children.
I do not know how my parents did it. But I guess I turned out okay. How do you really do it? Raising good people.
I noticed that starting at age 6 (now he is 7), I am indeed tested in my ability to discipline a growing boy. Sometimes I am not sure if I am doing it right. All I know is I am doing my best to make him learn and understand things/situation given his natural temperament, his personality, intellect, and other factors that affect his learning. Sometimes it is stressful, draining my energy, makes me worried that he might dislike or hate me for reprimanding him. Generally he is a good and sweet boy. But there are really moments that he is getting on my nerves. I know it is part of raising children. So help me God. And to all parents out there…Good luck and God bless!
I woke up this morning and reality hit me once more. A lot of family and friends may forget as we go on with our lives, but as for me and my siblings, it will always be a constant mark. It has exactly been a month. Today is the 5th of September. It is hard to believe that he is really gone, and that I will never ever get to see or talk to him again. I miss him all the time. And I would always look back to that night of July 18, our last conversation. I replayed it in my head.
Everyday I have “good” distractions. I take care of my children, my family, and my home. And I know he is very proud of that. He would always tell me that it is a very good thing that I am hands on with my children especially during their younger years. He has always believed of that important role of being a woman. My father lost his mother when he was seven. So I am sure while growing up, he missed her a lot. I hope he is now catching up with grandma, and that he is having the happiest/best time!
K.Lazaro 