Reflections On Death

Nine months ago (today) was the last time I spoke to him. I keep playing our last conversation in my head. I can still see how he looked like when we were chatting through Face time. I remember all the things he said to me that night.  They just finished with lunch, while my day just ended. Told them stories about my son’s 7th birthday party.

Yes I am still counting days. Eight months without Tatay (Daddy). But as everyone is saying, it will get better in time. I can say, we are getting used to the fact of him physically gone.  Few weeks ago, I just deleted all his hospital photos from my phone.  I had to let go. Maybe part of the healing process. I felt I was done looking at those sad memories, and I try not to hold on to those last 14 days. It was traumatic.

I always think of him. And pray for him. I still feel sad. I still cry. I know it is natural to feel that way when you know you have lost someone forever. And it will remain that way as long as I am here because love never ends.

Is there an afterlife? Where do they  really go? Does he still know what is going on for us he left behind? Does he hear it when we talk to him? Does God tell him our messages to him? Can he still see us? Does he really visit in dreams?

I hope wherever he is right now (heaven or in a different dimension) he feels and knows that we are always with him. Our love is always with him!  And if there is really that somewhere, someday we will be together. After we complete our mission, our journey.

Just in case that it is just the end of everything, I am just grateful that he was part of my life. His memories and our love will keep him alive. God’s love. His love. That same love I am passing on to my children. And they to their future. And that love goes on forever.

I try to put myself in his shoes. I would understand if my children will feel sad. But I do not want them to live that way. I want them to live and be happy. Be assured that my love will be with them although I am no longer around. This id possible. Think that there are a lot of mysteries in this life. Some of those things people can not comprehend or have not discovered yet…

 

Final Hour

Exactly four months ago at this very time the most terrifying thing in my life was happening. Standing outside of the ICU watching everything. My Dad’s final hour. 

Eternal rest grant unto Atty. Hermoso Tan Lazaro Oh Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul rest in peace. 

Gift of Life

Last night, I found out that a person I knew just passed away. He had a heart attack last week. I could not stop thinking about him because exactly three months ago he was at my father’s wake trying to help out. Who would ever think that he will be gone?  Truly death comes like a thief in the night.

At this point in my life, I just figured out my greatest fear. To see a loved one gone, and the thought of leaving my family behind. With my father’s passing, I often think about things pertaining to the after life, about our existence, and some other “weird” things. It is like seeing things differently. Talking to my  husband keeps me grounded. He would plainly state that it is the reality of life. So he does not really think or worry about it. That it is something that we should accept. Maybe I am just about to learn that step.

Last night I told him about one of the things I always pray for. And I said he should pray the same thing so it makes us two. I said I hope we will be blessed together with a long life (I state specifically at least 90 years old) so we can see our children and grand children grow. He replied, “Whatever is God’s will.”

Now, when I kiss or embrace my family, it feels more than that. When I say some good words to a friend or to a relative, I truly mean it. Slowly, my heart is learning how to forgive and how to sing to each waking moment.

This song was in my head when I woke up and I feel the need to share it. It is a beautiful Filipino gospel song. I really love the acoustic version but unfortunately, there is no vocal. For non-Filipino speakers, I included an English translation below. I hope you do enjoy the music.

Sino Ako?

Hiram sa Diyos ang aking buhay
Ikaw at ako’y tanging handog lamang
Di ko ninais na ako’y isilang
Ngunit salamat dahil my buhay
Ligaya ko na ako’y isilang
Pagkat tao ay mayroong dangal
Sino’ng may pag-ibig?
Sino’ng nagmahal?Kun’di ang tao Diyos ang pinagmulan

Kun’di ako umiibig
Kundi ko man bigyang halaga
Ang buhay na handog
Ang buhay kong hiram sa Diyos
Kundi ako nagmahal
Sino Ako?

Who Am I? (English translation)

My life is only borrowed from God
We’re only a living sacrifice
I did not wish to be born but it’s
A God given blessing to have a life
I am glad that I was born…
I am born with dignity
I have love and I know how to love
Because God first loved me

If I didn’t know how to love
If I didn’t know how to be grateful of
The life that God has given me
Then what is my worth?

My Kind Of Life

When it is quiet outside

And peaceful inside

My kind of life

Inner Calm

I love this comment from my fellow blogger, Alan. A very beautiful line as I pray for peace and that I would like to share.

The lasting peace found in Him, which is an inner calm in the midst of any storm of life.
-Alan

You can check out his blog: https://amlifcar41.wordpress.com/

Recurring Creepy Dream

At around 3am, I was glad I awoke from a nightmare.

I thought I was awake but somehow aware that I was dreaming. I was lying down on our bed and I see a black shadow gliding to the sides up on the ceiling. I knew something was at my side too. I remember reciting prayers. I did not stop. I woke up and I knew it was not real. When I was closing my eyes I felt like I was falling deep into something.

This is the first time I  write about this. Maybe some of you will have an explanation about it or some can share the same experience.

I am not so sure when it all started, but definitely it was more than 12 years ago. There was a time when my dream was very frequent. And it gradually decreased when I got married. But I would still sometimes have dreams about it.  In 2003 (12 years ago), when my family and I had a vacation in Europe, we visited Lourdes, France. I told the priest about this experience and he said these things are of sensitive matters. I  just remembered him saying to sprinkle holy water around my bed before I sleep. I never did that. It sounds creepy. I just prayed.

It came in different forms and I would always find myself battling with it. I am talking about the dark side, the dark forces. In my dreams, I mightily fight with them and I can feel every prayers I recite: The Lord’s Prayer, The Apostle’s Creed, Glory Be, songs of praises to God, and a lot more. After which, I felt very tired.  Most of the time, I win over them. In some dreams, it does not say how it ends. The fight goes on.  In my dreams, I feel not scared. I am brave. I feel I have the power. I began to think maybe in my past life (if there is) I was an exorcist or something.

Why is it the same theme in my dream? Battling with the dark side and reciting all the prayers? This is one weird dream I have always had.

I lit up a candle in the altar. Maybe it is a reminder to have more prayer time.