My Kind Of Life

When it is quiet outside

And peaceful inside

My kind of life

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Since I got back home, I usually feel sad, stressed out, and my temper short. I do my very best just to be a good mother although there are a lot of times my patience is being challenged.. Mind you, I generally feel happy and glad that I am back to personally take care of my family. My mother in law is still here until the end of this month as well as my mom. Maybe when things get back to normal, meaning my own established routine, and it will just be us home, slowly I will be able to have more time alone, hopefully more time to think and heal. School day starts soon and I am sure things will get back on track.

If nowadays I feel down, I know very soon I will again be the happiest.

I still count my blessings. All my friends who care, my family, my brother and sisters… And do not forget, the beer and the wine! 😉

Until The Day We Meet

Today is the second week we first saw him in the coffin. 
It was the first day of wake. 
My mind can not stop going back to memories of the past. I always remember exactly a month ago I spoke to him. Two weeks ago, a week ago this and that happened.
I know I will never be able to keep up with time. Soon I will stop thinking how many days, weeks or months have passed. I know the time will come when I will just look forward…just what he wants us all to do. 
The pain will slowly go away but the love for my father will remain. It will be within me until I see him again…

Ordinary Day

I wish I can talk about something else just like before. Seeing beauty in simple things, so much positivity striving to live a more meaningful life. 

Honestly I am not sure what I feel at present. Definitely it is not vibrant and lovely.  There are days it feels just so ordinary. I go on with my routine taking care of my family and our home. Alongside with it, there are minor distractions. At least I try to convince my mind that it is just minor and does not deserve my energy… But yes, life goes on. It will never pause, never stop even if you lose something or someone. I am living the reality of life. Trying to just move along, going with the flow. Ignoring what is inside, maybe a turmoil, some sadness and darkness. 

The other day I just burst into tears. I usually do not cry. And if I do, it is just for a while. A memory suddenly came to me. I remember maybe it was last Fathers Day, when I was on the phone with my Dad. I just told him I am planning to visit him next year and I could not figure out yet the schedule. I had to wait for my son’s school calendar and work out my visit. I remember he said, “Okay, I’ll be here…” 

Excuse Note

I used to read my fellow bloggers’ posts to get insights, wisdom, and inspiration everyday. I have not been too active these past few weeks. I would like to apologize for not being around, for not visiting your sites often. Soon, I will get back on track. With my Dad’s passing, I am just existing and going with the flow.

I know you will all still be there after this. Keep shining and inspiring!

After The Burial

Exactly a week ago, we physically said goodbye to our father. It was his interment. Everyday, sadness is a constant feeling in my heart. Mommy Eve and my siblings also feel the same way. We have to deal with it everyday. Memories flood me. I look at his pictures everyday…

I was at the park last Tuesday morning at 8:30 am. While I was looking at the beautiful view, the trees, the magnificent skies, I was remembering that it was the time last week that I was at the Intensive Care Unit watching my father die.

Sometimes it still feels very surreal, how the present time suddenly becomes a past.  I close my eyes and I see I was crying at the airport. Next I see my Tatay suffering everyday. Then I see myself looking at his lifeless body. Followed by the wake and then the burial. Now I am back to my life here in the US carrying all these memories in my heart.

This morning I organized my closet. I set aside all my colorful clothes and put out the black, white, and greys. It is part of the culture/tradition in the Philippines when mourning to wear these colors for a year. So for this remaining year and until August 5, 2016 I shall have my new “wardrobe”. I love wearing bright colors but this time, the black, white and grey completely describe how I feel about losing my father.

I know things will get better in time.  I will just have to go through this. This is part of living, part of being alive. To experience loss of a loved one.

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Trivia (Lifted from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mourning#Philippines)

The Filipino practices for mourning have influences from Chinese, Japanese and folk Catholic beliefs. People may wear white or black. The color red is frowned upon in the time of mourning, it is believed that those who wear red within 9–40 days will die or suffer illness. The consumption of chicken during the wake and funeral is also believed to bring death among the relatives. There is an initial 9-day mourning practice called Pasiyam, a novena is to be prayed by those who are mourning. During those 9 days the spirit of the deceased is believed to be roaming. 40 Days, similar to the Buddhist practice of 49 days, is a folk Filipino Catholic practice of commemorating the dead after 40 days from their death date. A Mass and a small feast are held to commemorate the dead during the 40-day period, the 40th day as their judgment day. The immediate family wear black and when the one-year period is over, the first death anniversary will signal the end of mourning – celebrated by a feast.”

Blog Posts Backed Up!

As what YOU, my fellow bloggers suggested, I did a copy and paste of my blog posts to Word document all in 200 pages already. That was the output of my blogging for 6 months now and I am loving it!

Thank you!

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The morning looked gloomy

I still found it pretty

And my eyes feel heavy

It feels like rainy

While the afternoon is sunny