Plain Day

When I started blogging, my mind was filled with thoughts, filled with words. My heart felt a lot of things. I could not wait to write them down each day. Writing about my thoughts and feelings helped me resolve some issues I had in me. It taught me a little about forgiveness, about imperfections, humanity, about love. It also helped me discover my passions. It is still helping me get to know myself more and the life around me.

I just noticed one thing and maybe it happens to other people too. When my father went to heaven, it suddenly felt like there is nothing more I can write about. No inspiring stories or reflections in my head. I was not sure how I was feeling. For a long time I just went on with the flow. It has been a year now. I don’t feel the same. However, I find delight in interviewing people who inspire me. Maybe this is a way to get me inspired again and get me back on track.

For now, I will keep looking for that inspiration.

Morning Thoughts

The mind is complex. Emotions are rich. It is all because of what we are born with and due to our experiences in life. So it is common that sometimes there is a battle within.In your mind, in your heart. And what we really need to learn is how to manage them. We have to be in control. We have to learn how to strike a balance, how to be reasonable. And this is never easy but it is attainable. Life is a school too. It is a continuous learning in here.

Life is short. It is a cliche but it is true. We sometimes think that we have forever. But we do not really know that. So I am learning that if there is a single chance, an opportunity to show kindness to others, we should. No matter how little or how simple it might be. And more importantly, we try to appreciate and enjoy every moment. With family, with friends, with yourself.

My morning thoughts.

May your days, our days be filled with wisdom and with joy.

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~ Khristine

UPROOTING

I am going to start off with some short definitions about the topic I am writing for today.

Choice. An act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities

Decision Making. The thought process of selecting a logical choice from available options. When trying to make a good decision, a person must weigh the positives and negatives of each option, and consider all the alternatives.

For effective decision making, a person must be able to forecast the outcome of each option as well, and based on all these items, determine which option is the best for that particular situation.

Decisions can be made through either an intuitive or reasoned process, or a combination of the two. This means studying the facts and figures to make a decision, then see how you feel about it.

Do you usually find it easy to make a choice/decision or do you find it challenging?

Making choices has always been a part of life. There are simple decisions we make everyday such as what clothes to wear, food to cook, what things to do for the day.   On the other hand there are what we see as major or big decisions. These are the ones that have a huge impact on our lives and can affect not just just us but the people around us as well. I call it, life changing decisions.

Studying myself, I find it very exhausting and stressful whenever I am about to make a big/major decision in life (which is opposite of my husband who seems to be very cool with decisions).  It literally takes a lot of my time. A lot of thinking. Weighing things over. I tend to be very cautious. I have to jot things down writing the pros and cons, asking why, what, how, or even where (this time I typed them on an Excel file). I feel the need to see that I am a 100% sure of what I am about to do.  I am thinking my personality is affecting my decision-making skill  since I tend to be obsessive compulsive, detailed, and organized. I tend to be anxious too of changes and of the unknown.  Moreover, besides looking at the facts, I also take into consideration the emotions, the heart. I rationalize, and at the same time, I believe that the heart should agree too. The mind and heart should at least meet half way. So can you imagine how draining it is? I do this every time. At least in the future I know that whatever led me to that path, I gave my all to think about the decision I made. It might not be the perfect choice but it was the best one at that time I made it. So in the future, I have no reason to regret or think about what could have been (although it is inevitable to ask that question sometime).  This happened to me when my Dad passed away five months ago. It feels like just yesterday when I was hugging him goodbye. He was standing stiff and won’t even lay his eyes on me. It was a sad goodbye. He did not want me to leave but then I followed my heart. What if I did not leave home 9 years ago? I could have spent more years of my life with him. But if I did not go, I will not have my family now: my spouse and my children, who are the most important to me. I lost weight thinking about that decision and at that moment I had to do it.  As I lived my life, there was a yearning in my heart to save money and come back home for him.

I dealt with a few major decisions in my life: Who to marry, leaving my work, family, and friends 9 years ago, a decision we had to make when my Dad was dying, and something that we have to do SOON.

My husband expressed his intention to retire soon abroad. I knew this plan from years ago. His goal has always been to retire early.  I wanted it too since I wanted my Dad to enjoy his grand kids. We were thinking, usually parents are busy spending their lives working while the children are growing up. This is true since we need to provide for their needs everyday. But at the time parents retire from work, the kids are gone. They are living their own lives. I guess this what drove him to work and save more so we can retire earlier and be around our children while they are still young. And we lived a simple life, not big spenders. I know that it seems ideal and I worry about resources too, if they will be enough and if it will last until the kids are  growing up.

What perplexed me more was when my husband said he wants to do it very soon, like after a year or two. My panic alert was on. It gave me mixed emotions. How come I was not too excited and did not say yes right away? I always wanted to go back and be with my Dad but he just recently passed. Maybe I felt the irony that I see the realization of the plan and my my father did not see it happen (although he knew about it).  I told hubby to give me more time to prepare mentally for it. I told you I need to see the whole picture, all facts and figures. Remember how I approach a major decision?

Uprooting will not just affect him and me but our kids. Is this a smart move? Is this what is best for my children? I finished writing down points to discuss with hubby. Some of them have already been brought up and we have different views. We have more things to talk about.  I am sure when we ask family and friends they too will have conflicting opinions about this matter. Of course in the end, the decision is still in our hands. And as I said, I have to be a 100% sure.

I searched the web and I read that before moving to a different country, there are things to consider: family and friends, language, medical issues, safety, culture, financial, employment, shopping, and amenities. Ask yourself too why are you leaving? Determine if everything you will be leaving behind is worth what you are moving towards. He is saying back there our children will have more support group. We have brothers and sisters there, our kids will have cousins to grow with. And as mentioned more time to be with them while they are growing up. And yet, there are other factors to consider.

A fellow blogger, Tony Burgess (http://tonyburgess1969.net/)  shared to me once “Life is about change, flux, fluidity. Grace and peace in the journey.”  And I remember talking to some of my fellow bloggers about how to dance with the music or go with the waves, do not fight it or you will drown, just float, and relax. These reminders help me to relax a little bit more and not to worry much (which I naturally tend to do). I know that nothing stays the same. Change is only the permanent thing in life. Although I am afraid of changes and of the unknown, I should have faith. Home is wherever your heart is.

Saying goodbye is always sad. Especially now that I have learned to love my home now. After seven years of living in Carson CA, we moved to our new home on May 17, 2013. I took care of every detail, arrangements, and I consider it as my first home as a family woman. I felt very happy and at peace in here. I have invested emotions.  It is true what was said in the book, the Little Prince, “It’s the time you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important…People have forgotten this truth, but you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”

Over the years, I have found lifelong friends who I love and I will miss a lot. I have loved the country. It has taught me a lot especially how to be independent. I  learned to do things on my own. I appreciate the culture how the people are responsible citizens ready to go out of their way to help if you are in need. I like the thought that people are not too self conscious or nosy. You can wear whatever and go to the grocery without being criticized if your clothes match or if your make up looks nice. There is freedom. I enjoy the conveniences: online shopping, the fast internet connections, the discipline on the road, less traffic, libraries and its books, the parks, and Southern California weather. I finally adapted. I adjusted and blended in.  But soon I will bid farewell.

I know if we finally make that choice, there is a lot of work/things to be done. I have already listed them down…  It will be a new chapter. Hopefully an adventure… I am worried but I am also hopeful. Pray for me. Wish me luck!

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Photo credit: www.pointchaser.com

 

Life Changes

I just learned about one big news that will change my life. I can not tell you right now, but I will for sure. Soon.

Have you ever had that feeling that you strongly need to write down some  things in your  head but could not find how to begin or how to say them?

When that feeling is overflowing and words are just too much? And you just do not have all the time to sit down and figure it out?

I sound overwhelmed, confused, then maybe a little anxious (but it does not mean I am unhappy). There is just the strong urge to mentally figure things out and one way that has always been a big help to me is whenever I write them down. In relation to where I am at the moment, I guess my blogging here is not really for other people but for myself… Although partly, I really wish I inspire others too in little ways since I am already connecting outside of myself.

This is how I cope up. I write. Something I have always done since childhood. The only difference is paper and pencil versus the technology.

I am babbling now. I do not know if I made sense. I am sure I am going to write about this next time. I will figure it out. And you will understand what is going on in this crazy head of mine : )

How Many People Have Lived?

From today, going back to the time when the first human beings existed, how many people have already lived on Earth?

“According to the United Nations, world population reached 7 Billion on October 31, 2011…According to the most recent estimates, the human population of the world is expected to reach 8 billion people in the spring of 2024.” (http://www.worldometers.info). This is nine years from now.

How many people are born each day and how many pass away?  From prehistory/ancient history up to the present we call The Social Age.I wonder about each life, each mind, each heart that roamed around this home we call Earth. The richest, the greatest of minds, the most inspiring souls we have ever known.

I see how the fleeting glance of each moment pass by. And altogether creating the most meaningful and beautiful experience we call life.

Human life is very short compared to other creations or organisms.“Worldwide, the average life expectancy at birth was 71.0 years (68.5 years for males and 73.5 years for females) over the period 2010–2013 according to United Nations World Population Prospects 2012 Revision, or 70.7 years (68.2 years for males and 73.2 years for females) for 2009 according to The World Factbook.

Wishing each person living will be awakened to this fact and hopefully drives him to progress, to be better, but also to be kinder, be more human, and to seize each waking moment to be happy and loving to the people around him. Maybe then who needs violence? Who needs war?

 

Somewhere After Here

Where can you really be?

Is there really a heaven somewhere out there?

Where you meet the other ones

Where you laugh with the angels

And pray with the saints?

Or is it somewhere else any man has never imagined?

I hope the time spent here is not just everything

I hope it is not the end of it all

But if in case it is, then you still shall live

As long as I breathe

 

Candle light

 

 

 

 

The Last Moments

Once again, I just realized something last night. After I put the kids to sleep, I sat down on the couch to have a little quiet time. My eyes gazed upon the pictures of these men from the little corner of our room.

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From the left is my father-in-law and then my dad. It was just last night that I realized that I was the last family member to see them before they both passed away. So it feels weird and more sad to know that I witnessed their last moments.

It was afternoon. I was home with my father-in-law, and my husband was still at work. I was in the living room and he told me that he was going out to get those gallons of water from a nearby store. He had a little pushing cart with him. It was passed 2pm so I told him why not wait for his son so he did not have to walk?  It was April 24, 2007. He said it was fine and besides, he needed to exercise. He told me he was going to go through the back door, and then he left. And at passed 3pm, he had an accident on the road and that was his end.

As for my Dad, for those of you who have not read my recent blogs, he just passed away two months ago. And with his passing, I wrote quite a few things about the experience and about him (you can check this entry: 14 day journey). Last August 4, 2015 (Tuesday) he had to undergo Tracheostomy. A tracheostomy is a surgery to make a hole in your neck that goes into your windpipe. He needed a  tracheostomy since he was on a breathing machine (ventilator) for a long time. They needed to remove the intubator that was attached to him for two weeks to prevent further infections. I was informed that I should follow down to the operating room. I was there waiting outside. I was praying and thinking about him that finally, he would be relieved to get that thing off him. I waited and finally the doctor called me in to tell me that the procedure was done and everything was fine. I was so relieved. I waited until I saw him and the nurses pushing his bed. They had to give him Oxygen since he was depending on the breathing machine. They took the elevator and I took the stairs to meet them at the Intensive Care Unit. He was unconscious and I was watching him. The nurse was checking everything. She told me to rest and everything is stable with my dad. I sent text messages to my siblings to tell them that the procedure was successful and we can all go to sleep. I think it was around 10:30pm. Then after one hour, it was the end of his dear life.

For sure I will never forget these last moments…

When I Grow To Be A Lady

I was rocking my baby girl to sleep before I wrote this. And suddenly my thoughts were about my old man. My sister and I would always hear him sing a song. I just remember this line  “When you grow to be a lady, you’ll be a queen, a lovely queen. Walking…” That is the only line that stuck in my head.  I knew he sang that to me when I was a baby and he would always tell me about it while I was growing up.

At this particular moment of my life, that song became very special. I tried to looked it up online. I searched in YouTube but nothing came up. I googled it and the search result was very limited. I could neither find the singer nor the song writer. At least I found the lyrics.

When I grow to be a Lady…
I’ll be a queen, a lovely queen
Walking in a garden shady…
In gown of green
with silver sheen
maids in gowns and gold shall follow me
And suitors of a high degree

When I grow to be a lady…
A fine and lovely queenly lady
Then my Prince will come to claim his own
And love will crown me to my throne.

It is very heart warming to know for the first time what the song is all about. And I can clearly hear his voice singing it.

dad and daughterhttps://www.pinterest.com/angelinajustice/silhouette-art/