First Post for 2018

After more than two weeks of Winter break, the kids are once again back to school today. I miss them a bit but I have missed my solitude too. I still have two more hours before I see them.

I feel good. I am able to accomplish a lot this morning. Said goodbye to our Christmas tree and put all the holiday decor away. I was able to organize and clean the home just the way I want!

I feel good. The day is cold, cloudy, with a little rain. It is just perfect. I can’t wait to have my cup of coffee in a while before I pick them up in school. Had lunch in front of my computer while listening to music I love. And now, just write down my thoughts while it is so quietly beautiful.

I have so many random thoughts, at any given time. One of them is death.  I mentioned before in my posts that I found out one of my greatest fears is dying. Lately, I have heard some people I know who died. They usually get sick. And sometimes, it is really a shock. One day they’re here, the next day they’re gone.  This somehow gave me a different perspective of life. When I am about to complain, often times, I would realize that I shouldn’t. I should not complain because I am alive. I may sometimes be so busy and tired, but I am grateful that I am physically, emotionally, and mentally able to perform my duties. But as we all know, life is fragile, unpredictable, and can be full of surprises. And I guess it is fine if we think of preparing for it.

It is another new year and I was thinking “Oh, another year older!” I didn’t want to grow old. I wanted to forget my age. I will do my best to delay signs of aging. But you know what? I don’t mind growing old anymore. White hair and wrinkles would come and I will welcome you! I don’t mind celebrating my birthday because life is worth celebrating. Being healthy and alive each year is indeed a blessing. Each waking day is a gift.  With all these thoughts, I have found my greatest dream. It is to grow old. I wish to live long and be with the people I love. I would love to see my children, their children, and their children’s children grow old/grow up.  I would love to do all the things I love and be with the people who make me smile. I will listen to more music, take more photos, write my thoughts, love, laugh, try to be a good person, and live my life.

Happy New Year! I wish everyone good health and a great year!

 

Her 26th Birthday

I worked that day. The traffic was not bad as I drove home from work. It was almost dark. The house was bright as I got home. Few friends came over. We had a few drinks and had dinner together. I had a special guest who happened to be my crush at that time. It was so obvious that my father was thrilled because the guy happened to be a lawyer just like him. Little did he  know that it was a hopeless case. The guy just saw me as a friend.

I am writing not because of the guy. I am writing because that was the last birthday party I remember. I believe it was also the last party I had with my father around before I left home.  It was my 26th birthday. And then I totally stopped counting my age. Although I have always been grateful to life and to my blessings.

Reality bites. We can’t stop time. We can’t stop aging. For the first time as I was brushing my hair,  I found some white strands of hair. Not just one but two or three. After a few weeks, it happened again. And I haven’t checked since then.

For a long time, I have been terrified by the thought of getting old and dying. It consumed my thoughts for a while especially right after my father passed away. And I have realized that it is a process. It takes time to understand and accept the idea of death. I have finally accepted that it is an inevitable part of life. And someday we will all end up there. With this in mind, I believe it is affecting my perspective of life. Still it is a learning process. But I am getting there.

I may stop counting my age but I will never stop being grateful for NOW.

Beauty Tips

I stare at my face in the mirror.

So imperfect.

Wondering about getting old,

Minimize the lines and the signs.

Nobody can fight nature.

Perfect faces eventually will be wrinkled.

Even the most beautiful woman in the world will be old.

Everyone will look different as we reach that stage.

Let’s not  be too attached,

To obsessed  with physical beauty.

Soon it will fade away.

Do not be consumed by the standards of the world.

Beauty is how you feel inside.

Growing in wisdom,

Gratitude, Happiness, and Love.

Those essential things invisible to the eyes.

Those things inside that last forever.

Each person is truly beautiful.

 

First Christmas Without Her

When we go to church every Sunday, I always notice a couple who I think are on their 80’s. Although they’re very old, I can definitely still see and feel their love for each other. They look very happy.

I remember in July 2016, they had to sit close to us because the church was packed. I could hear the old man singing so beautifully. Before leaving, the old man handed us a prayer pamphlet. It was a devotion to St. Joseph. The old lady had a very sweet smile.

Sometime in October 2016, the church recognized all the couples who celebrated their wedding anniversary. This couple was one of them. I heard they celebrated their 57 years together. So after the mass, I came up to them to congratulate them. I told them that they are an inspiration to young married couples like us. I saw the old lady’s face beaming and they proudly talked about their kids, grand kids, and great grand children. I gave them a hug and said bye.

In November 2016, I noticed that the old man was alone. For a few weeks, I wanted to come up to him to ask how he was but never got the chance. I had a feeling and I hope I was wrong.

Last night, my eyes were fixed on the old man. It is a week before Christmas and I decided to greet him a Merry Christmas in advance after the service. His name is Raul. It is the first Christmas without her after 57 years. He said he always sees her in spirit.

We talked for a while. I mentioned about my Dad who passed away last year. Somehow when I see Raul he reminds me of him. Same age. Both wearing their favorite beige/khaki jacket. After mentioning about my Dad, Raul said at age 82. I was so shocked how he knew that my Dad was 82 when he died. He said it just came to his mind and that the spirit works in mysterious ways. I gave him a hug and told him that I’ll pray for his  beautiful and sweet wife.

I know I will be seeing Raul by himself every church time, and I pray that I will see him for a very long time. I can’t help but think again about the bitter reality of growing old, death, dying, and being left alone. And for us who are left behind, we have to live and keep going.

I also remember my Tatay (Dad) and Mommy who were together for 53 years. This January 2017 is supposed to be their 55th Anniversary. Here is a photo of them taken by my sister that year  before he passed away. One of the most beautiful and meaningful photos I keep.

 

 

 

A Sad Night

I am double sad…. First, my dad is still in the hospital. I still hope he will be better. I hope he will be healed and will regain his health. The good thing is I will be flying back home but I have to leave my kids behind. It is my very first time to be away from them and it drives me crazy. Separation anxiety. But I should keep thinking that all these things happen for a reason. 

Beyond What You See

Will be wrinkled someday

Will be old

Will soon depart this world

Turn into ashes

No exception for anyone…

So remember, not to be enslaved

By physical beauty

By power and fame….

Nothing is wrong if you aspire for more

To seek improvement

And be at your best

Be beautiful, be fashionable

Have the things you like to possess

But do not be enslaved

By worldly matters….

There is more beyond that

All icing on the cake

So enticing and inviting

Take a look and taste the inside

See beyond what your eyes can see