Random Thoughts Inside

This is the day I dread

I feel turmoil inside

Headaches, pounding and restless heart

Butterflies in the stomach

The good and the bad fighting

A voice is saying it is all in the head and everything will be fine

Focusing on the worries/fears only magnifies it

It is not real… It is just mere imagination

Do not resist

Every little thing happens for a reason

Trust your journey

Conquer the negative emotions

You are more than what you think

You are capable of things you can not imagine

Embrace the present

Strike out other concerns to stay focus

Holy Ghost guide my every thoughts, actions, and words

From this day forward…

A Prayer Request

A few more days and I am plunging into an abyss!

I have been preparing for over a year now.

Hopefully I will not drown.

Hoping I will do just fine.

Can you please whisper a prayer for me as you read this?

That this woman may succeed in finding healing and peace.

Amen…

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Photo Credit: mustified.com

Before I Lay Down To Sleep

For the other part of the world, people have already begun their day.

A fresh start, a new hope, a new beginning.

For the other part of the world, we are just about to lay and have our rest.

Either smiling for a wonderful day or hoping to ease and forget a troubled heart.

Both hoping for the  sweetest dream and a bright tomorrow…

Waves of Life

I tried resisting the waves

And I got very tired

I think I almost drowned

But people came to save…

Why do I always do that

Though I know I’ll never win?

I know I am hard headed

I know I never learn.

Well I think it subsided now

It seems calm around

I will float in the meantime

And get ready for the next one

The next time it comes crashing

I know I should not fight it

I have to learn how to deal with it

Play along and go with the flow

As how my head knows

That is how life goes

Play along and go with the flow

Til I can happily swim again.

Hopes Of The Troubled Spirit

Numb me

So I do not feel

Blind me

So I do not see

Don’t want to hear

Every word I fear

Weakness

Is what I see…

Strengthen me

So I can stand while I feel

Change me

So I can see the good in it

Help me be more accepting

Of all the things I hear

Help me

So I can be me….

Healing Wounds

I checked my old wound that has been hurting for years.

I think it has healed. It does not look fresh at all.

When I looked at the old photos, I do not feel trembling anymore due to strong emotions. My heart is not pounding hard at all. My breathing is steady. My soul longs for reconciliation, for forgiveness and love.

I feel the time has come… I am ready to face it anytime. The signs have been around. There are days when I feel so courageous. Maybe I have finally let go of the past.

It is true that TIME heals all wounds. No matter how long it takes. Maybe it is the natural course of life. Healing happens when you also remove yourself in the hurting situation. You distance yourself from it.  Distance, time, and hard work all help in the process of healing. Hard work for me is feeding your thoughts, your soul, your being with positivity, inspiration, understanding of self, others, humans, and LIFE. Then you will just know that you are okay. You are healed. You have moved on. And being scared, mad, afraid, is just a waste of your happy and beautiful life.

So if you are hurting or battling with something, know that you will be fine. You will wake up to a sunny day!

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This was our PRENUP photo taken by Louie Reformado

http://louiereformadophotography.blogspot.com/

What Will Tomorrow Be?

In writing I learn more about myself. Words help me understand more. Hopefully this one will give me an answer. If not now, eventually.

I am having unconsolidated thoughts right now. I have a concern and it is in my head. I do not know how to dissect it or even how to write about it.  But I will try to find out what is bothering me and find out what I should do.

I am aware that I always find it hard to choose.  I think I am not so brilliant with decision makings. I tend to be uncertain. I change my mind most of the time. Usually, it requires A LOT of thinking before I make a decision, especially if it is a major one. Consequently, it brings about a lot of anxiety. I guess that’s just how I am. I do not know if it is a good thing or a bad thing. I feel the need to be 100% sure on my choice. The head and the heart should agree with each other. In my 36 years of life, moving here and marrying my husband is the major decision so far. I even lost weight thinking and weighing things before I made a choice to leave everyone and everything behind.  So I moved here in the United States, built our own family. Now that I have started to adapt and get attached to the home we are building,  then now comes the plan of retiring in 3 to 4 years time! This means we will have to move to a different country where our money will be more than enough to live a very comfortable life without going to a 40 hours/week work.

I do not understand why I feel a little hesitant or maybe just overwhelmed with the plan. I feel the need once again to see clearly in every angle, every aspect, every pros and cons. I know I still have time to think about it and see/feel what I need to experience. I want to figure it out as soon as I can or the thoughts/concerns/anxiety will remain. What will tomorrow be?  I just need to remind myself that everything will be alright. I pray that God will guide our thoughts and decisions in life. And I should not worry too much. I will be able to comprehend what I need in time. This is the start. I have concerns and questions but I am sure they will be answered.

Stream of Thoughts

We are very young to retire. But what is more important? More money or the quality time as a family? If we stay here, my husband will have to keep working since the cost of living is high. We pay bills. But when we move to a different country (which I prefer not to say for now), my husband and I can just retire while we have more time for each other and especially with the kids. Life is short. The kids grow up really fast. We want to enjoy their childhood. Why would we aspire for more riches? When should one stop acquiring? Or is it okay to stop if you know you have more than enough, be contented,  be more present, be there for your spouse or kids? Is this a smart thinking or not???

I guess I have been attached now to what I consider home. These last 2 years has been the best. I just started to live my dream as a wife, as a mother, as a happy home maker.  I love my friends here,  the weather, the traffic, the independence, the environment, and the future my kids can have. Now the thought of leaving makes me a little worried/sad. But as long as we are together (husband and kids), should our location matter so much? Home is here your heart is, right?

When we move, I will be closer to my parents, old friends, siblings. I can visit them anytime. My kids can have more time with their cousins and their grandparents. On the other hand, it means, I will also be closer to one person who traumatized me and who my being is trying to avoid.  Is it why I wanted to be in here, far from that person? I should face this irrational fear.  No harm can be done to me. I am strong. And I should aspire for reconciliation. I should be brave.

Will our life as a family be better? Am I  just being a worrier?  Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be…I truly need to remind myself of this: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

For sure I will be writing about my adventures! I hope they are going to be a good one!

When You Are Feeling DOWN

Not one of those good days?

Say to yourself:

“It is okay…it is part of being alive.”

We all go through it.

It is a cycle of life.

It is good to recognize and be aware of your feelings

We have to bear with it and keep moving.

We can not be perfectly happy each day.

But we do not have to be miserable.

We should be wise, know how to fight and deal with it.

Events and people are not simple. They are complex.

They can be complicated.

Life can be complicated.

Feeling anxious?

It is sickening inside. Something feels weird in your chest,

In your breathing.

It distracts your thoughts and focus

It pulls the spirit down.

And you know you have to fight it.

We carry on.

We continue to do the things we do

Although there is a feeling of heaviness inside.

We vent out to a loved one, to a friend or write about it.

We also pray to cast our burdens on the Lord

We train our minds to focus on something else

And learn how not to dwell on the ugly

I wish I can shield my children from feeling these unpleasant emotions.

I love them so much that it is heart breaking just to imagine them hurt, sad, worried, or anxious.

But what can a mother do?

We bring them up into this world and later on be subjected to pain, sadness, fear.

There is no avoiding them.

And this is the reality.

I have to  prepare them and equip them. So they will thrive and survive.

Learn how to go with the waves, keep their calm so they won’t drown.

Then keep swimming again.

Nothing in this life is permanent. Not even the unpleasant emotions or situations.

Later on, before you know it, you are already feeling happy.

Do not waste your time and life on people you think not worthy of attention

Do not over think (my personality, so I always get myself in trouble)!

This is the reality I just learned that we can not make everybody happy all the time

And We do not have to!

Do not waste your time and life dwelling on feelings that can ruin your day

You have to know what to do, what to think, what to believe in

Especially on times when you are feeling down…