Each Moment

It is true what they say that you will never truly understand something unless you experience it yourself.

In the past, I felt sorry for family and friends who lost their loved ones. I went to wakes, funeral services, and showed compassion. There were times when I also wept with them. But then my life went on. I just feel sad when I remember those who passed away and I say my prayers to them.

Losing someone who is actually very close to your heart can actually be different. I refer to the loss of a parent, sibling, spouse, child or a very close friend.  I have felt the change in me. Days pass by, months go by, and I carry that feeling of sadness in my heart, that feeling of loss. I believe it will linger even in the years to come and for the rest of my life. I guess this is something constant as I move along.

This little feeling in me reminds me of the bittersweet reality of life. It is just a cycle.  I can imagine how my kids will feel the same way when it will be my turn someday. All of us will feel a loss. And all of us will leave our loved ones behind. For those of us who are still here, we have to make the most out of our lives. Cherish the memories of the people who left. Be reminded about the many reasons why we have to be grateful each day, be more human, and loving to the people who are part of our journey.

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The Cycle of Life

On Life

Today is a very special day for our family. My sister is giving birth to a beautiful princess. In fact, she is still in the hospital. It’s been hours, and she is still in labor. How I wish I can just teleport, fly across the Pacific Ocean, and witness the joy when the baby finally comes out. I am so thrilled for them. I am sure every member of the family is excited to meet and greet the new addition to the family. It is amazing how we share the same fate. Both of us started with the labor signs/pains on the 17th, admitted to the hospital on the 18th. We were both in labor the whole day and night. The babies would not come out still. All the epidural, the pain, so unbearable! In the end, we both needed to have c-sections. Both babies born on the 19th! (But mine of course happened 6 years ago)

This is it! After two miscarriages, after all the mourning and the pain, finally,  their bundle of joy will be in their arms soon. I know that it will change them. It will change their lives forever. Just like how having kids has changed mine. My children have given more meaning to my existence, more meaning to my life. Now, I have a purpose and a reason to live.

On Death

When I was younger, I did not give much thought about death. I finished college, had my Master’s degree, found a fulfilling career. I got promoted, had my own office and I loved my job. Moreover, I was able to travel to different places, my favorite was the Europe trip with my parents. Visited the United States too and went to different vacation spots in the Philippines. I remembered me saying to myself, “I have been blessed. I can die now.” But it all changed when I married and started my own family. Now, I am terrified when I think about death! (My death or losing a loved one)

My 6 year old has been asking questions about death: when, why people die, where people go when they die, what happens to the body, etc. I try to give him a simple explanation since the questions are NEVER ending. As a Catholic, I know we all go to heaven (this is what I tell my son). At the back of my head, I am also thinking of other explanations as to what happens when someone dies. Maybe we are like the energy transferred to one form into another. Or maybe, when we die that is the end of it. Nothing else. Blank. Black. No more.

I always ask God to grant us (me and my  husband) a long life, at least until we are both 90 years of age. I want to see my children grow, finish school, get a job that they love, find the love of their lives, have their own family.  Surely, I would love to play with my grandchildren!

So holding on to dear life! Appreciate every waking moment.