I wanted to write about this for a long time now but I have always been hesitant. I am afraid that people will make judgments about me (based on experience, there are people who are very quick on making judgments without the proper “trial”). Another reason is I am worried to hurt somebody I love. I am ashamed, and I am not proud about these feelings.
These past few days I feel anxious again. I am not so sure if I was traumatized but certainly there is something not normal about what I feel. For some of you reading this, you may have experienced anxiety. It comes in different forms. For me, when I think of a particular person or I hear her voice, my physical reaction is heart beating fast, feeling dizzy, and getting really nervous. It is just automatic. It was like conditioned. When I hear her voice or I see her calling, I get all those weird feelings that make me feel so weak. With just the thought that I will see her sometime someday, it makes me just want to disappear. Is this trauma? Why did I brought this to myself? Why did I let it happen to me? Maybe I am just being too irrational or emotional. I should not have let emotions swallow me. Is it too late? God knows I have done my best to overcome this. Sometimes I try to “immune” myself. They say if you expose yourself little by little to something that you fear, you will get used to it, accept it, and then you fear no more. I try it a couple of times. I do not fear her but I feel weird. I guess I still have a long way to go. I pray too. May God’s healing power heal my emotions, my soul, my mind and just be normal around her. I have faith that I will get there. For now, I think I am still in the process.
It is almost exactly a year ago when for the first time, I felt so liberated, so happy. I can not explain the happiness and the peace I felt on that day. The universe might have conspired with me this time. There was a comforting silence in the house. Most importantly, there was complete silence in my head, in my heart, in my soul. I have never felt that for a long time. Of course, I am so embarrassed to say it. I will not go into details of the many petty clashes in our little house. I am not even sure if she cared about it. Overtime it just built a wall between us. Or I built a wall around me. I am so sad that eventually it turned out so weird. I can not explain why it led to that moment. I truly feel sorry about it. Maybe it all started off on a wrong foot? Incompatibility? In any relationship definitely there should be compatibility. Too much differences in personality, values, way of thinking? So many things that transpired along the way, but there is one thing I was sure about. It was not healthy living together anymore.It came to the point when I dread waking up. When I did not want to be at home. But I have kids. I did not want to affect them as well. I thought of leaving with the kids and try the life back home with my parents. But what did it mean? What could it look like? Broken relationship with my husband who I love dearly? He is very close to the kids and it will kill me to see them apart. I felt so trapped for 7 years thinking about other people, thinking about the situation. I felt no choice. I felt so trapped. Getting annoyed most of the time and hating myself for being me! It does not matter what she did or what I did. The point is when things are not working out, you try to hold on to it and do your best to solve it or make things better. But when things do not really work out anymore, then something has to be done to save whatever can be saved. Maybe some things or people are just not meant to be together. Added to my anxiety is what OTHERS might think or say. I know from experience how others can naturally be judgmental, as if they do not make mistakes, as if they never get in conflict with their own families. Some people will just take sides without an open mind, without being objective. The truth is, I tend to have a people pleaser personality. I just learned overtime that this can not be possible. We can not please everybody. We have to make choices and hurt someone along the way. It is us who go through our own lives. Others do not. They are outsiders.
I am trying to help myself conquer this negative emotion. I pray a lot that I will feel NOTHING when I see her again. She is still family, so no matter how unpleasant the experience is living under one roof with her, the right thing to do is to accept her and respect her. I am hopeful. But I am still nervous. I am afraid of feeling certain emotions again such as dislike or hatred. I was afraid of myself too. I hated myself on those times. I guess it was really self destructive since there were conflicts within me. As what I always do, I try to rationalize. It was nobody’s fault. It was just a bad chemistry. Nothing was intentional. She was a good person too. Things happen for a reason. There is still hope. I tell myself it is not too late. It is already in the past. We still have tomorrow. There should always be a room for forgiveness.
I have a baby girl. When she marries someday, I will make sure she will be free from this kind of stress!