First Post for 2018

After more than two weeks of Winter break, the kids are once again back to school today. I miss them a bit but I have missed my solitude too. I still have two more hours before I see them.

I feel good. I am able to accomplish a lot this morning. Said goodbye to our Christmas tree and put all the holiday decor away. I was able to organize and clean the home just the way I want!

I feel good. The day is cold, cloudy, with a little rain. It is just perfect. I can’t wait to have my cup of coffee in a while before I pick them up in school. Had lunch in front of my computer while listening to music I love. And now, just write down my thoughts while it is so quietly beautiful.

I have so many random thoughts, at any given time. One of them is death.  I mentioned before in my posts that I found out one of my greatest fears is dying. Lately, I have heard some people I know who died. They usually get sick. And sometimes, it is really a shock. One day they’re here, the next day they’re gone.  This somehow gave me a different perspective of life. When I am about to complain, often times, I would realize that I shouldn’t. I should not complain because I am alive. I may sometimes be so busy and tired, but I am grateful that I am physically, emotionally, and mentally able to perform my duties. But as we all know, life is fragile, unpredictable, and can be full of surprises. And I guess it is fine if we think of preparing for it.

It is another new year and I was thinking “Oh, another year older!” I didn’t want to grow old. I wanted to forget my age. I will do my best to delay signs of aging. But you know what? I don’t mind growing old anymore. White hair and wrinkles would come and I will welcome you! I don’t mind celebrating my birthday because life is worth celebrating. Being healthy and alive each year is indeed a blessing. Each waking day is a gift.  With all these thoughts, I have found my greatest dream. It is to grow old. I wish to live long and be with the people I love. I would love to see my children, their children, and their children’s children grow old/grow up.  I would love to do all the things I love and be with the people who make me smile. I will listen to more music, take more photos, write my thoughts, love, laugh, try to be a good person, and live my life.

Happy New Year! I wish everyone good health and a great year!

 

Gift of Life

Last night, I found out that a person I knew just passed away. He had a heart attack last week. I could not stop thinking about him because exactly three months ago he was at my father’s wake trying to help out. Who would ever think that he will be gone?  Truly death comes like a thief in the night.

At this point in my life, I just figured out my greatest fear. To see a loved one gone, and the thought of leaving my family behind. With my father’s passing, I often think about things pertaining to the after life, about our existence, and some other “weird” things. It is like seeing things differently. Talking to my  husband keeps me grounded. He would plainly state that it is the reality of life. So he does not really think or worry about it. That it is something that we should accept. Maybe I am just about to learn that step.

Last night I told him about one of the things I always pray for. And I said he should pray the same thing so it makes us two. I said I hope we will be blessed together with a long life (I state specifically at least 90 years old) so we can see our children and grand children grow. He replied, “Whatever is God’s will.”

Now, when I kiss or embrace my family, it feels more than that. When I say some good words to a friend or to a relative, I truly mean it. Slowly, my heart is learning how to forgive and how to sing to each waking moment.

This song was in my head when I woke up and I feel the need to share it. It is a beautiful Filipino gospel song. I really love the acoustic version but unfortunately, there is no vocal. For non-Filipino speakers, I included an English translation below. I hope you do enjoy the music.

Sino Ako?

Hiram sa Diyos ang aking buhay
Ikaw at ako’y tanging handog lamang
Di ko ninais na ako’y isilang
Ngunit salamat dahil my buhay
Ligaya ko na ako’y isilang
Pagkat tao ay mayroong dangal
Sino’ng may pag-ibig?
Sino’ng nagmahal?Kun’di ang tao Diyos ang pinagmulan

Kun’di ako umiibig
Kundi ko man bigyang halaga
Ang buhay na handog
Ang buhay kong hiram sa Diyos
Kundi ako nagmahal
Sino Ako?

Who Am I? (English translation)

My life is only borrowed from God
We’re only a living sacrifice
I did not wish to be born but it’s
A God given blessing to have a life
I am glad that I was born…
I am born with dignity
I have love and I know how to love
Because God first loved me

If I didn’t know how to love
If I didn’t know how to be grateful of
The life that God has given me
Then what is my worth?

A Prayer Request

A few more days and I am plunging into an abyss!

I have been preparing for over a year now.

Hopefully I will not drown.

Hoping I will do just fine.

Can you please whisper a prayer for me as you read this?

That this woman may succeed in finding healing and peace.

Amen…

fall-in-water

Photo Credit: mustified.com

Waves of Life

I tried resisting the waves

And I got very tired

I think I almost drowned

But people came to save…

Why do I always do that

Though I know I’ll never win?

I know I am hard headed

I know I never learn.

Well I think it subsided now

It seems calm around

I will float in the meantime

And get ready for the next one

The next time it comes crashing

I know I should not fight it

I have to learn how to deal with it

Play along and go with the flow

As how my head knows

That is how life goes

Play along and go with the flow

Til I can happily swim again.

Hopes Of The Troubled Spirit

Numb me

So I do not feel

Blind me

So I do not see

Don’t want to hear

Every word I fear

Weakness

Is what I see…

Strengthen me

So I can stand while I feel

Change me

So I can see the good in it

Help me be more accepting

Of all the things I hear

Help me

So I can be me….

Emotions

Needing all the courage and strength

To look at his face

To hear his voice again

And listen to every word he utters

His presence is a reminder of the dark past I despise

The place I never want to see again

The time I never want to be in again.

Needs a lot of kindness

To be human again

To learn how to forgive

To give peace a chance

The head says go

The heart says no

Emotions beaten up

It is time to give up

Upcoming Storm

Anticipating, thinking about the concept of fear, discomfort, anxiety makes me really feel it for real. Having a headache now getting worried about my concern. I am aware it must be all in the mind. Focus. Be courageous. And remember all those inspirations and lessons I have been holding to. But too much rationalizing makes me tired and sleepy. I noticed since I was very young, when I had concerns, problems, heartaches, I felt sleepy most of the time. Maybe tired from thinking?

Let me just worry tomorrow. I will sleep now so my mind and body will work efficiently… and will be rational! I know after the upcoming storm, no matter how long it would stay, I would still be alive and I will survive.

Monster Alert

Do not try to break me

Dear mind you have to focus

It is okay to cry it out

But dear spirit keep up

Xanax or wine, tempting

But venting out to a loved one I find more healing

Praying for wisdom and mostly courage

To face the monster

To face the dark

Go through the dark

I should not be afraid

For you are holding my hand…

Will The Truth Set Me Free?

I wanted to write about this for a long time now but I have always been hesitant.  I am afraid that people will make judgments about me (based on experience, there are people who are very quick on making judgments without the proper “trial”). Another reason is I am worried to hurt somebody I love. I am ashamed, and I am not proud about these feelings.

These past few days I feel anxious again. I am not so sure if I was traumatized but certainly there is something not normal about what I feel. For some of you reading this, you may have experienced anxiety. It comes in different forms. For me, when I think of a particular person or I hear her voice, my physical reaction is heart beating fast, feeling dizzy, and getting really nervous. It is just automatic. It was like conditioned. When I hear her voice or I see her calling, I get all those weird feelings that make me feel so weak. With just the thought that I will see her sometime someday, it makes me just want to disappear. Is this trauma? Why did I brought this to myself? Why did I let it happen to me? Maybe I am just being too irrational or emotional. I should not have let emotions swallow me. Is it too late? God knows I have done my best to overcome this. Sometimes I try to “immune” myself. They say if you expose yourself little by little to something that you fear, you will get used to it, accept it, and then you fear no more. I try it a couple of times. I do not fear her but I feel weird.  I guess I still have a long way to go. I pray too. May God’s healing power heal my emotions, my soul, my mind and just be normal around her. I have faith that I will get there. For now, I think I am still in the process.

It is almost exactly a year ago when for the first time, I felt so liberated, so happy. I can not explain the happiness and the peace I felt on that day. The universe might have conspired with me this time. There was a comforting silence in the house. Most importantly, there was complete silence in my head, in my heart, in my soul. I have never felt that for a long time.  Of course, I am so embarrassed to say it. I will not go into details of the many petty clashes in our little house. I am not even sure if she cared about it.  Overtime it just built a wall between us. Or I built a wall around me. I am so sad that eventually it turned out so weird. I can not explain why it led to that moment. I truly feel sorry about it.  Maybe it all started off on a wrong foot? Incompatibility? In any relationship definitely there should be compatibility. Too much differences in personality, values, way of thinking?  So many things that transpired along the way,  but there is one thing I was sure about. It was not healthy living together anymore.It came to the point when I dread waking up. When I did not want to be at home.  But I have kids. I did not want to affect them as well. I thought of leaving with the kids and try the life back home with my parents. But what did it mean? What could it look like?  Broken relationship with my husband who I love dearly? He is very close to the kids and it will kill me to see them apart. I felt so trapped for 7 years thinking about other people, thinking about the situation. I felt no choice. I felt so trapped. Getting annoyed most of the time and hating myself for being me! It does not matter what she did or what I did. The point is when things are not working out, you try to hold on to it and do your best to solve it or make things better. But when things do not really work out anymore, then something has to be done to save whatever can be saved. Maybe some things or people are just not meant to be together. Added to my anxiety is what OTHERS might think or say. I know from experience how others can naturally be judgmental, as if they do not make mistakes, as if they never get in conflict with their own families. Some people will just take sides without an open mind, without being objective. The truth is,  I tend to have a people pleaser personality. I just learned overtime that this can not be possible. We can not please everybody. We have to make choices and hurt someone along the way. It is us who go through our own lives. Others do not. They are outsiders.

I am trying to help myself conquer this negative emotion. I pray a lot that I will feel NOTHING when I see her again. She is still family, so no matter how unpleasant the experience is living under one roof with her, the right thing to do is to accept her and respect her. I am hopeful. But I am still nervous. I am afraid of feeling certain emotions again such as dislike or hatred. I was afraid of myself too. I hated myself on those times. I guess it was really self destructive since there were conflicts within me. As what I always do, I try to rationalize. It was nobody’s fault. It was just a bad chemistry. Nothing was intentional. She was a good person too. Things happen for a reason. There is still hope. I tell myself it is not too late. It is already in the past. We still have tomorrow. There should always be a room for forgiveness.

I have a baby girl. When she marries someday, I will make sure she will be free from this kind of stress!