I just learned about one big news that will change my life. I can not tell you right now, but I will for sure. Soon.
Have you ever had that feeling that you strongly need to write down some things in your head but could not find how to begin or how to say them?
When that feeling is overflowing and words are just too much? And you just do not have all the time to sit down and figure it out?
I sound overwhelmed, confused, then maybe a little anxious (but it does not mean I am unhappy). There is just the strong urge to mentally figure things out and one way that has always been a big help to me is whenever I write them down. In relation to where I am at the moment, I guess my blogging here is not really for other people but for myself… Although partly, I really wish I inspire others too in little ways since I am already connecting outside of myself.
This is how I cope up. I write. Something I have always done since childhood. The only difference is paper and pencil versus the technology.
I am babbling now. I do not know if I made sense. I am sure I am going to write about this next time. I will figure it out. And you will understand what is going on in this crazy head of mine : )
Last night, I found out that a person I knew just passed away. He had a heart attack last week. I could not stop thinking about him because exactly three months ago he was at my father’s wake trying to help out. Who would ever think that he will be gone? Truly death comes like a thief in the night.
At this point in my life, I just figured out my greatest fear. To see a loved one gone, and the thought of leaving my family behind. With my father’s passing, I often think about things pertaining to the after life, about our existence, and some other “weird” things. It is like seeing things differently. Talking to my husband keeps me grounded. He would plainly state that it is the reality of life. So he does not really think or worry about it. That it is something that we should accept. Maybe I am just about to learn that step.
Last night I told him about one of the things I always pray for. And I said he should pray the same thing so it makes us two. I said I hope we will be blessed together with a long life (I state specifically at least 90 years old) so we can see our children and grand children grow. He replied, “Whatever is God’s will.”
Now, when I kiss or embrace my family, it feels more than that. When I say some good words to a friend or to a relative, I truly mean it. Slowly, my heart is learning how to forgive and how to sing to each waking moment.
This song was in my head when I woke up and I feel the need to share it. It is a beautiful Filipino gospel song. I really love the acoustic version but unfortunately, there is no vocal. For non-Filipino speakers, I included an English translation below. I hope you do enjoy the music.
Sino Ako?
Hiram sa Diyos ang aking buhay
Ikaw at ako’y tanging handog lamang
Di ko ninais na ako’y isilang
Ngunit salamat dahil my buhay
Ligaya ko na ako’y isilang
Pagkat tao ay mayroong dangal
Sino’ng may pag-ibig?
Sino’ng nagmahal?Kun’di ang tao Diyos ang pinagmulan
Kun’di ako umiibig
Kundi ko man bigyang halaga
Ang buhay na handog
Ang buhay kong hiram sa Diyos
Kundi ako nagmahal
Sino Ako?
Who Am I? (English translation)
My life is only borrowed from God
We’re only a living sacrifice
I did not wish to be born but it’s
A God given blessing to have a life
I am glad that I was born…
I am born with dignity
I have love and I know how to love
Because God first loved me
If I didn’t know how to love
If I didn’t know how to be grateful of
The life that God has given me
Then what is my worth?
Since I got back home, I usually feel sad, stressed out, and my temper short. I do my very best just to be a good mother although there are a lot of times my patience is being challenged.. Mind you, I generally feel happy and glad that I am back to personally take care of my family. My mother in law is still here until the end of this month as well as my mom. Maybe when things get back to normal, meaning my own established routine, and it will just be us home, slowly I will be able to have more time alone, hopefully more time to think and heal. School day starts soon and I am sure things will get back on track.
If nowadays I feel down, I know very soon I will again be the happiest.
I still count my blessings. All my friends who care, my family, my brother and sisters… And do not forget, the beer and the wine! 😉
She has changed. More gentle with words, more sensitive to people’s feelings, and considerate. Far from what I have come to know in the past. I see the efforts of being nice and civil. I feel the openness for a better relationship. And I know that she deserves the same thing. Everyday I strive to overcome certain unpleasant mental state such as annoyance or irritability that I have experienced for so many years that eventually evolved to be a natural reaction in her presence. There is a conscious effort each day to be good…
It surely is nice to have many followers. It is tempting to focus on getting the stats up but I keep reminding myself, I am doing this for me. I am here to savor my journey through life. I am hoping my children will read this someday, and learn so much about their mother. It can also be nice that friends or family can get to know me more as well. I will be happy even if I get to inspire one person. I will be glad to have one person learn something or be comforted with my words. I hope to spread good vibes, to let you know that you are not alone. We share experiences, both pleasant and BAD. It is all good!!!
K.Lazaro 