On Its Second Year

 

It is true what they say. In time you will no longer feel much pain. You will keep moving. You’ll finally get used to the absence.

As much as I love him,  I try not to dwell on the thought that we lost him. I try to see it in a different perspective. He lives in us, we carry him in our hearts.

I still cry but not as much as I did. When he crosses my mind I feel sad but I feel much stronger now.

Although there are moments when I can’t help the tears especially when things around me bring vivid memories of him.

Like last night my kids were playing with their Dad. My little girl was walking on his back and saying that she’s giving him a massage. I remembered during our younger days when we would do the same. Tears fell from my eyes.

Just a while ago when we were watching one of our favorite comedy shows, if featured the 1980 something show called Knight Rider. I remembered the talking black car called KITT, that drove super fast, was bulletproof, fireproof, and helped Michael fought injustices in the world. It brought up some childhood memories. My siblings and I were fond of the super powered car that we named our family car, Kit. If I remember it right, our father even put up a moving light in front of our car pretending that we’re really driving Kit! Something like this:

kitt

Every morning, to wake up my kids, I put up the curtain and let the sunlight into our bedroom. I talk to them or sing to them just the way our old man did.

I know there will be more reminders along the way. One clear proof that our love ones continue to live…

 

 

When You Miss Someone…

 

You text him.

You give her a call.

You visit him.

You meet up somewhere for breakfast, brunch, lunch, or dinner.

You just hang out with them.

You do a Face time or Skype with him.

You just long for her presence. For his company. For a conversation.

And this makes life more meaningful.

Our relationships.

And you know what’s the hardest way to miss someone?

It is when you realize that you can no longer do all these things.

You can not text, call, Face time, Skype or visit them anymore because they’re no longer there.

He is gone forever and there will never be any exchange of words anymore.

They will just be memories from where we stand now.

There is nothing else to do but pray that at least in your dreams you get to see them and embrace them one more time.

14459877_10153876161451596_828876984_n

On That Day

It was July 2, 2014 when my kids and I left. We came home for a month to take care of him after being so ill. But that day I felt relieved. At least, I knew that he was doing much better before saying goodbye. Although he was in so much pain and was still very weak, he got up using his walking aid. In my head I can still see him standing from afar, watching us as we were walking down this path.

image-c6730ab3ad5154787a26042ec154e5fa5b0ce37f171927b3ba4d0ea6b8677bea-V

Photo Credit: Lyn Lazaro, my sister-in-law

The next time I saw him was the following year, July 26, 2015. Comatose. God gave me a chance to be with him for 9 days. It is just sad that my last memories of him was those painful days in the hospital.

It has been six months now since he left. Earlier, I started deleting some photos from my phone taken when he was in the hospital. Maybe this is a sign of healing. But I still could not help the tears when I think about him…

Final Hour

Exactly four months ago at this very time the most terrifying thing in my life was happening. Standing outside of the ICU watching everything. My Dad’s final hour. 

Eternal rest grant unto Atty. Hermoso Tan Lazaro Oh Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul rest in peace.