It is true what they say. In time you will no longer feel much pain. You will keep moving. You’ll finally get used to the absence.
As much as I love him, I try not to dwell on the thought that we lost him. I try to see it in a different perspective. He lives in us, we carry him in our hearts.
I still cry but not as much as I did. When he crosses my mind I feel sad but I feel much stronger now.
Although there are moments when I can’t help the tears especially when things around me bring vivid memories of him.
Like last night my kids were playing with their Dad. My little girl was walking on his back and saying that she’s giving him a massage. I remembered during our younger days when we would do the same. Tears fell from my eyes.
Just a while ago when we were watching one of our favorite comedy shows, if featured the 1980 something show called Knight Rider. I remembered the talking black car called KITT, that drove super fast, was bulletproof, fireproof, and helped Michael fought injustices in the world. It brought up some childhood memories. My siblings and I were fond of the super powered car that we named our family car, Kit. If I remember it right, our father even put up a moving light in front of our car pretending that we’re really driving Kit! Something like this:
Every morning, to wake up my kids, I put up the curtain and let the sunlight into our bedroom. I talk to them or sing to them just the way our old man did.
I know there will be more reminders along the way. One clear proof that our love ones continue to live…
I experienced my first loss when my father passed away. It opened my eyes about this bitter natural phenomenon. I have spent a lot of times pondering about life. After which I have been sensitive and very aware of people I know who are sick and who died. I have a list of the people I know who passed away and I pray for them.
One man who was at my father’s wake and who was helping us around died after a month .
Another family friend we called on the phone to inform them of what happened to my father also passed away in two months.She was sick and was on chemo during the times my Dad was in the hospital.
When I got back to the US,the same fate happened to this old man I always talk to in school. He went to Manila for a vacation. I saw his son and I asked how he was doing. And I was shocked and got teary eyed when he said that he was gone.
Now I heard about some women I know who are sick with Cancer. They happened to be my school mate/classmate. One was from elementary and the other one was from high school. They are the same age as me. They are moms too just like me. And from the time I heard about their fight, I pray for them so they will have courage, strength and most importantly be healed.
I remember other friends who have been battling with disease/sickness for years.
I pray that the sick will be healed. The dead will have peace, happiness, and eternal life. And I wish for us who are left in this world, that we will see life as a gift everyday. That we will be more appreciative and grateful for everything. That we will try to live our lives to their fullest.
Change is the only permanent thing in this life. We have seen it from books, photos, and films how the world around us has changed. Industrialization. Technology. People. Way of Life. Everything changes. Everyone does.
Based on my own experience, there is something else that has remained constant. It is the “inner SELF”. I am not sure how it is called. It maybe a person’s spirit or soul. I feel exactly the same way ten years ago and even twenty years ago. And as far as I remember. I am me.
I grew up and learned more things from school. I am continuously learning from my everyday experiences. Although there have been changes in the environment, in my situation, status, in the physical world, somehow there is still that core being which has remained the same all through the years.
I close my eyes and I have always been that same person. Although when I look at photos of me, I look different each time. I am getting older. And that is something that we can not escape. No matter how rich and beautiful we are. We all do our best to prolong our life. We take care of our bodies. We exercise. We try to look our best. Some are even more fashionable. More luxurious. But we can not stop nature. We will all look old someday. And we know what happens next. Then we are all the same…
When I started blogging, my mind was filled with thoughts, filled with words. My heart felt a lot of things. I could not wait to write them down each day. Writing about my thoughts and feelings helped me resolve some issues I had in me. It taught me a little about forgiveness, about imperfections, humanity, about love. It also helped me discover my passions. It is still helping me get to know myself more and the life around me.
I just noticed one thing and maybe it happens to other people too. When my father went to heaven, it suddenly felt like there is nothing more I can write about. No inspiring stories or reflections in my head. I was not sure how I was feeling. For a long time I just went on with the flow. It has been a year now. I don’t feel the same. However, I find delight in interviewing people who inspire me. Maybe this is a way to get me inspired again and get me back on track.
For now, I will keep looking for that inspiration.
Next week will be my first born’s birthday. Followed by my second child’s. They are almost 3 weeks apart. Both are born on Summer time during the Olympic games. I remember taking care of infants while watching games on TV. Both of them also have Barrack Obama as their first President when they were born.
Every child’s birthday is special. And for every parent, it is a moment to celebrate and commemorate the day they received their special gift from heaven.
It is ironic for me. I am very happy to celebrate my children’s birthdays but at the same time I feel sad because it brings back the most painful memory I had on my journey. This started last year in 2015. It all began from my first born’s birthday and ended on my second child’s birthday.
I am sure people have forgotten. They have moved on and lived their lives. But as for us, we are not sure how. We will always feel and remember as long as we are here.
July 19 was my first born’s birthday. It was the last time I had a Facetime chat with my Father. Up to now I remember the conversation that we had. His words I can still hear.
July 21. He was sent to the hospital and got intubated. He was unconscious for 3 days. He woke up on the third night and was terrified with his condition. He could not speak anymore. He did not like the tube and the wires. He and my brother had a moment together. My brother told him I was coming home. And he nodded. He knew I was coming home. But early dawn the next day…
July 25 He had a cardiac arrest. They revived him after a while. But he was believed to be brain dead then later on into comma. I had to fly right away to see him. It happened so fast.
And we were in the dark for the next 14 days of my life . I stayed in the hospital did not go anywhere. https://partandparcel2014.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/14-day-journey/
August 5. I went out and saw the saddest sunset. I was on the phone with my sister telling her that the “takipsilim” or dusk looked very sad. All our hopes were going down with the sun. That night, almost midnight, he passed away. First time to go to the house where I grew up. But it was dark and empty. I fell asleep on his bed.
August 8. It was my youngest child’s birthday. It was also my Father’s burial/interment. Part of my heart was buried with him. After a few hours I had to fly back to my family. It was night time when I arrived at home. It was not too late to watch my 3 year old blow the candle on her birthday cake.