The Day When You Left

I choked up as I thought about it. I felt sick.  I went to church at 8:00 am this morning. I was standing there with a heavy heart. It was the very same time when he died. Everything happened around 11:00 pm to midnight (Manila time) two years ago.

I remember on that day, I just stayed beside him. He really loved listening to me and my siblings sing. So I sang any song that came to mind. All songs I could ever think of. We kept singing and talking to him despite that he was unconscious. Sometimes he was awake but we knew he was not the same. It was always just a blank stare.  I held his hands as if it was the last time.

It was 11:00 pm  when I received a message to proceed to the Intensive Care Unit. I had a bad feeling. I just left him 30 minutes ago and everything was fine. His operation (Tracheotomy) was a success. He was finally relieved from the tube he had for two weeks.

The nurse told me that he was stable. I could go and rest. I sent my good news to my siblings and everyone was pleased. We were all holding on to HOPE.

Everything quickly changed in just an hour.

I was walking towards the ICU and from afar I could see what was happening. His room was packed with nurses and a doctor. The room was very busy. They were all trying to revive him.  I could hear them. I was just less than 10 feet away. I sat on a chair and I had to lay my  head down on the table. I knew it was the end. I was so numb. I cried quietly. The doctor approached me and told me that they had to stop reviving him.

I had to make calls to tell the family. They all came and we did what we had to do. Then for the very first time, I went home. I fell asleep on his bed. We were all so very very tired emotionally and physically. I had no more strength.

Sometimes I would ask why did I have to see all that. It really broke my heart. I know that every time this day comes, I would feel the same way and I will remember EVERYTHING. For the rest of my life.

 

 

Reflections On Death

Nine months ago (today) was the last time I spoke to him. I keep playing our last conversation in my head. I can still see how he looked like when we were chatting through Face time. I remember all the things he said to me that night.  They just finished with lunch, while my day just ended. Told them stories about my son’s 7th birthday party.

Yes I am still counting days. Eight months without Tatay (Daddy). But as everyone is saying, it will get better in time. I can say, we are getting used to the fact of him physically gone.  Few weeks ago, I just deleted all his hospital photos from my phone.  I had to let go. Maybe part of the healing process. I felt I was done looking at those sad memories, and I try not to hold on to those last 14 days. It was traumatic.

I always think of him. And pray for him. I still feel sad. I still cry. I know it is natural to feel that way when you know you have lost someone forever. And it will remain that way as long as I am here because love never ends.

Is there an afterlife? Where do they  really go? Does he still know what is going on for us he left behind? Does he hear it when we talk to him? Does God tell him our messages to him? Can he still see us? Does he really visit in dreams?

I hope wherever he is right now (heaven or in a different dimension) he feels and knows that we are always with him. Our love is always with him!  And if there is really that somewhere, someday we will be together. After we complete our mission, our journey.

Just in case that it is just the end of everything, I am just grateful that he was part of my life. His memories and our love will keep him alive. God’s love. His love. That same love I am passing on to my children. And they to their future. And that love goes on forever.

I try to put myself in his shoes. I would understand if my children will feel sad. But I do not want them to live that way. I want them to live and be happy. Be assured that my love will be with them although I am no longer around. This id possible. Think that there are a lot of mysteries in this life. Some of those things people can not comprehend or have not discovered yet…

 

40th Day After Death

It is 12 noon right now, September 12, 2015.  In the Philippines, it is already 3am of September 13. Today is the 4oth day after the death of my father. 

“The 40th Day after death is a traditional memorial service, family gathering, ceremonies and rituals in memory of the departed on the 40th day after his/her death. The 40th Day concludes the 40 day memorial period and has a major significance in traditions of Orthodox Slavs. It is believed that the soul of the departed remains wandering on Earth during the 40 day period, coming back home, visiting places the departed has lived in as well as his fresh grave (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/40th_Day_after_death).”

At around 1am earlier, my daughter woke up. I had to put her back to sleep. I also had to go out of the bedroom to lower down the AC temperature. Something startled me. Walking through the isle, I saw a our radio/cd player was lit up and the radio was on playing music! It was loud and tuned in to our favorite FM station. I was not scared but it gave me goosebumps! I took courage and walked in the dark to unplug the radio/cd player. It happened a couple of times already in the past. I am sure it is an electrical issue or an appliance issue. Maybe it is just a coincidence that it happened now on the 40th day after his passing. Maybe he is saying goodbye?

Rest In Peace my beloved and forever love. You will be truly missed everyday. Your memories will stay in our hearts.

Eternal rest grant unto him O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen. 

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Proof of Heaven Book

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Talks about death elicits a feeling of discomfort and fear for me. I am so attached to the people I love that I can not bear the thought of losing or leaving them. I mentioned on my previous blogs that I often wonder what really happens to a person when he dies. Is it plainly the end or there is an afterlife?  After posting that article I mentioned about death, I had a dream. My grandfather (a brother of my father’s father) appeared to me. This was not the first time my grandfather appeared to me in my dream. I believe he tried to answer my question. He actually showed me that there is life after death. I can not remember all the details about the dream. I just remembered that there are gates and each of us belong to our own gate with our families, friends. I remember too that across us, there are gates too but it is the after life. Due to the order of things, they (souls from after life) can not stay in our world, maybe just visit. Same with us, we are destined to be here in this life in our own time. This other world, other gates across us are just in a different plane. In between I saw the outer space. I woke up and I am amazed how a response can be quickly made to me. I am just unsure if it was done by my brain or by my grandfather.

When I came across this book, Proof Of Heaven, and as I write now about it, I recollect some thoughts about my dream. I have been raised in a Catholic family, and our church teaches about the soul and life in heaven. In my heart I have faith and I believe such things exist. But as a human being I also think it is natural to have our quest for truth. My mind is also questioning about the existence of after life. I would often dream about my grandparents or some family members who already passed away.  I really never got to be with the grandparents when they were alive. Then how and why do I have dreams about them? This grandfather who often appear to me in my dream is not even my direct grandfather. His messages are usually good ones. Another dream I will not forget, which I tend to find very strange is when I had a dream about all these grandparents. They were all seated by pair (husband and wife) inside a van. They were waiting for me, my dad, and my kids. After reading the book, I have the feeling that it might mean that they are watching over us. Our deceased families  watch over us from the after life.

When people have near death experiences, it is usually common that they have similar experiences such floating in air, seeing their body, seeing things from above, seeing family members or friends who already passed away. I wrote about my father in my previous blog. I mentioned that he was hospitalized eight months ago. He had the same visions when he was in the hospital. He was so scared that he would not want to go to sleep. He saw himself floating up and he had to hold on tight to the railings of his bed. His brain was affected at that time. So it was still a question whether or not his visions/experiences were caused by his brain or something else happened with his soul. Indeed there will be different views about this matter both scientific and spiritual.

I wanted to add, eight months ago, when my kids and I went home to the Philippines to take care of my sick father, my father-in-law suddenly appeared to me in my dream. When I woke up I realized it was his birthday. It seemed like he reminded me to bring my kids to visit him on his grave. We went visit and said a prayer for him. He did not see his grandchildren since he died the year when I got married to my husband. These incidents still make me wonder.

This book, Proof of Heaven, is worth reading. It depends on the reader, but for me, I find it helpful. It helps make sense to my experiences and sheds light and knowledge to my question about the life after here.

This book is about a scientist’s case for the after life. “Near Death Experiences or NDEs are controversial. Thousands of people have had them, but many in the scientific community have argued that they are impossible. Dr. Eben Alexander was one of those people. A highly trained neurosurgeon who had operated on thousands of brains in the course of his career, knew that what people of faith call the “soul” is really a product of brain chemistry. Might feel real to the people having them, but in truth they are simply fantasies produced by brains under extreme stress. Then came the day when Dr. Alexanders own brain was attacked by an extremely rare illness…. his recovery by all accounts is a medical miracle…While his body lay in coma, he journeyed beyond this world.”

It was mentioned in the book that Dr. Alexander’s situation was the first of its kind in medical history. “Spontaneous E. coli bacterial meningitis is rare in adults. Less than 1 in 10 million of the world’s population contracts it annuallyA week in coma with severe bacterial meningitis is already beyond the limits of any reasonable expectation of recovery…”

Below are some quotes I find very meaningful, directly lifted from the book, Proof of Heaven by Dr. Eben Alexander:

“I maintain that the human mystery is incredibly demeaned by scientific reductionism, with its claim in promissory materialism to account eventually for all of the spiritual world in terms of patterns of neuronal activity. This belief must be classed as a superstition…we have to recognize that we are spiritual beings with souls existing in a spiritual world as well as material beings with bodies and brains existing in a material world.”- Sir John C. Eccles (1903-1997)

“The physical side of the universe is as a speck of dust compared to the invisible and spiritual part. In my past view, spiritual wasn’t a word that I would have employed during a scientific conversation. Now I believe it is a word that we can not afford to leave out.”

“I saw the earth as a pale blue dot in the immense blackness of physical space. I could see that earth was a place where good and evil mixed, and that this constituted one of its unique features.”

“Small particles of evil were scattered throughout the universe, but the sum total of all that evil was a grain of sand on a vast beach compared to the goodness, abundance, hope, and unconditional love in which the universe was literally awash.”

“We have other family: beings who are watching and looking out for us – beings we have momentarily forgotten, but who if we open our selves to their presence, are waiting to help us navigate our time here on earth. None of us are ever unloved. Each and every 9one of us is deeply known and cared for by a Creator who cherishes us beyond any ability we have to comprehend. That knowledge must no longer remain a secret.”

“There is a deeper fabric of existence – a fabric that all of us are always part of,  but which we’re generally not conscious of. Communicating with God is the most extraordinary  experience imaginable, yet at the same time it’s the most natural one of all, because God is present in us at all times. Omniscient, omnipotent, personal -and loving us without conditions. We are connected as One through our divine link with God.”

“Nothing can tear us from God, ever.”

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is. – Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

After reading the book, I am comforted to know that the afterlife was beautiful beyond words or beyond what our minds can perceive. But still I am in the process of knowing more about it. I still fear death, being left by loved ones or leaving them behind. But I believe as my spirit/soul evolve into this awareness, the more I will not fear.

In his book, this lovely poem was cited. I want my loved ones (especially my family) to read this poem by David M. Romano, “When Tomorrow Starts Without Me”

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I am not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you will miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I’d have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It almost seemed impossible
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I’d say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, “This is eternity,
And all I have promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day’s the same way
There’s no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things.
You knew you shouldn’t do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?”

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don’t think we’re far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I’m right here, in your heart.