Sad Trip Memories

I will not forget the saddest trip I had in my life. It was exactly two years ago today. I can still remember being by myself at the airport. I was just crying on my seat. I could not help it and I did not care anymore. While the rest of the people around me looked so happy and excited, I was just broken. It was a very difficult time, that day and the next two weeks.

I flew right away as I heard that our father was resuscitated. Everything was just so sudden. I had to fly thousands of miles just to get in time. It was somehow a blessing to still find him there although he was already unconscious. I am not sure up to now if he even knew I was there. And watching him for the next 14 days was traumatic.

I wrote about that experience here right after I came back home. Losing a person very close to your heart is very painful beyond words. It was raw and unedited. Until today, I still do not have the courage to read it over again.

This morning, my sister and I were talking. She said something. “Most days are so busy, we go about our lives without thinking about him.. but there are definitely times when a lot of things around us no matter how simple remind us if him. And those moments we think of him is just heart breaking and makes me feel like crying.” It is true, I try not to think of him because it makes me sad.  However, it is just unavoidable. The person you love will always be a part of you.

I hear a lot of times some people would like to say “MOVE ON”. What does moving on mean?  Yes, we have moved on. We have continued to live our lives. But when you talk about someone you love, who has passed, it just means that you remember them. You miss them and that you love them. And that is absolutely natural. It is okay.

We remember.

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On Its Second Year

 

It is true what they say. In time you will no longer feel much pain. You will keep moving. You’ll finally get used to the absence.

As much as I love him,  I try not to dwell on the thought that we lost him. I try to see it in a different perspective. He lives in us, we carry him in our hearts.

I still cry but not as much as I did. When he crosses my mind I feel sad but I feel much stronger now.

Although there are moments when I can’t help the tears especially when things around me bring vivid memories of him.

Like last night my kids were playing with their Dad. My little girl was walking on his back and saying that she’s giving him a massage. I remembered during our younger days when we would do the same. Tears fell from my eyes.

Just a while ago when we were watching one of our favorite comedy shows, if featured the 1980 something show called Knight Rider. I remembered the talking black car called KITT, that drove super fast, was bulletproof, fireproof, and helped Michael fought injustices in the world. It brought up some childhood memories. My siblings and I were fond of the super powered car that we named our family car, Kit. If I remember it right, our father even put up a moving light in front of our car pretending that we’re really driving Kit! Something like this:

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Every morning, to wake up my kids, I put up the curtain and let the sunlight into our bedroom. I talk to them or sing to them just the way our old man did.

I know there will be more reminders along the way. One clear proof that our love ones continue to live…

 

 

How Many People Have Lived?

From today, going back to the time when the first human beings existed, how many people have already lived on Earth?

“According to the United Nations, world population reached 7 Billion on October 31, 2011…According to the most recent estimates, the human population of the world is expected to reach 8 billion people in the spring of 2024.” (http://www.worldometers.info). This is nine years from now.

How many people are born each day and how many pass away?  From prehistory/ancient history up to the present we call The Social Age.I wonder about each life, each mind, each heart that roamed around this home we call Earth. The richest, the greatest of minds, the most inspiring souls we have ever known.

I see how the fleeting glance of each moment pass by. And altogether creating the most meaningful and beautiful experience we call life.

Human life is very short compared to other creations or organisms.“Worldwide, the average life expectancy at birth was 71.0 years (68.5 years for males and 73.5 years for females) over the period 2010–2013 according to United Nations World Population Prospects 2012 Revision, or 70.7 years (68.2 years for males and 73.2 years for females) for 2009 according to The World Factbook.

Wishing each person living will be awakened to this fact and hopefully drives him to progress, to be better, but also to be kinder, be more human, and to seize each waking moment to be happy and loving to the people around him. Maybe then who needs violence? Who needs war?

 

What Every Human Should Remember

My alone time. My quiet time. So precious. I have more or less an hour. Done with the morning routine. Sent off hubby to work. Sent off my dear son to school. The little girl is taking her morning nap.

I have never ending chores just like any typical stay at home mother. But I told myself, today I will do my best to take it easy. Chores will always be there!  So this one hour (or one and a half hour) is very precious to me. This is my prayer time. My blog time. My treadmill time. Sometimes chores time when they can not wait. I debated if I should run on the treadmill just like what I do whenever I get a chance. But the mind and the words are stronger. They just want to be out here.

This morning I had some news from home. And I had some reflections.

What should I pick? Image of crocodiles or some predators in the wild?

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photo credit: www.sci-news.com

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photo credit:www.care2.com

To be clear, these are just images in my head. I mean no harm. No offense. These pictures are part of nature. Maybe part of human nature as well. And that is the reality.

They are watching, observing from afar.  It is a waiting game. Some are moving closer. Discretely. Slowly and quietly.  Some are sniffing and fishing around. Waiting for the perfect time to get what they want.

article-0-15128387000005DC-329_970x572photo credit:www.dailymail.co.uk

Can this really be part of human nature? Can people just be assertive protecting what they think belongs to them? Will it be possible that sometimes people just want to acquire more? Power, assets, money, properties. All these worldly matters that matter so much? For me it is alright as long as no one gets hurt or harmed in any way. As long as these things are never the source of disagreements, hate, or divisions.

This part of life makes makes me feel a little sad. The important things that matter so much to a human being. Suddenly I thought of the pale blue dot by Carl Sagan.

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Photo credit: www.patheos.com

“Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there–on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.”

— Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot, 1994

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I Remember

Random memories of you often visit me 
Especially at times when I am still

Suddenly the rain pours down…

Until The Day We Meet

Today is the second week we first saw him in the coffin. 
It was the first day of wake. 
My mind can not stop going back to memories of the past. I always remember exactly a month ago I spoke to him. Two weeks ago, a week ago this and that happened.
I know I will never be able to keep up with time. Soon I will stop thinking how many days, weeks or months have passed. I know the time will come when I will just look forward…just what he wants us all to do. 
The pain will slowly go away but the love for my father will remain. It will be within me until I see him again…

Thoughts On A Rainy Day

The life before me, I will never truly understand.

Stories, books, photos, music, they just give me a glimpse of how it was in the past

But still, I will always be a stranger

The life after I die, I will never get to  know

I will leave my stories and pictures for the future to see

But I will always be a stranger to them

They will never fully understand

My life now is mine

This is the only time I fully comprehend

This is mine

99 Years Of Life!

This morning, my little girl and I went for a trip to the library. It has been one of my favorite places for my children. The one that we go to have a lot of fun toys for kids. It is really an enjoyable place. Of course I am fond of borrowing books too.

Today is special for me. I met wonderful women named Rosalinda and Clementia. With them was their one year old grand-daughter named Stellie.  Rosalinda (Rosey) is 98 years old and will turn 99 this year (in October). I was truly at awe. I can not explain the feelings I had standing right next to a person who has seen the world for a long time, for almost a 100 years! I can say that I am truly honored to meet her. How many people can live that long? She is an old soul. Her eyes have seen a lot. She must have gone through a lot. She does not speak English, only Spanish. Good thing, her niece (the other grandma) was there to interpret. It was indeed a lovely scene watching the baby girl with her grandmother and great-grandmother! My little girl played with Stellie for a while. I asked permission if I can give her a hug. Rosy was so amiable. She was very happy when I gave her a hug. Before we parted ways, Clementia and I had  our last chat. She told me some advice that I am pondering right now. She said, “First, love God. Second, yourself. Third, your husband. Fourth, your children”. She said, love and take care of your husband because when the kids marry, it will just be you and him. So enjoy the moments with him. This life is not just my journey. It is our journey together. We will go through this life and die together. It is still one of my prayers for God to let me and my husband live at least until we are 90 years old. I really desire to see my children go through their lives, have their own children and become grandparents too. I also pray for my parents that God will bless them with more years to come.

God is the source of life. God is good. I guess we should just ask to be blessed. Like Rosy, I can say that she is so blessed! And she intends to live for another 10 years more! May God bless her. And to you, who is reading this! Have a beautiful day!

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Proof of Heaven Book

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Talks about death elicits a feeling of discomfort and fear for me. I am so attached to the people I love that I can not bear the thought of losing or leaving them. I mentioned on my previous blogs that I often wonder what really happens to a person when he dies. Is it plainly the end or there is an afterlife?  After posting that article I mentioned about death, I had a dream. My grandfather (a brother of my father’s father) appeared to me. This was not the first time my grandfather appeared to me in my dream. I believe he tried to answer my question. He actually showed me that there is life after death. I can not remember all the details about the dream. I just remembered that there are gates and each of us belong to our own gate with our families, friends. I remember too that across us, there are gates too but it is the after life. Due to the order of things, they (souls from after life) can not stay in our world, maybe just visit. Same with us, we are destined to be here in this life in our own time. This other world, other gates across us are just in a different plane. In between I saw the outer space. I woke up and I am amazed how a response can be quickly made to me. I am just unsure if it was done by my brain or by my grandfather.

When I came across this book, Proof Of Heaven, and as I write now about it, I recollect some thoughts about my dream. I have been raised in a Catholic family, and our church teaches about the soul and life in heaven. In my heart I have faith and I believe such things exist. But as a human being I also think it is natural to have our quest for truth. My mind is also questioning about the existence of after life. I would often dream about my grandparents or some family members who already passed away.  I really never got to be with the grandparents when they were alive. Then how and why do I have dreams about them? This grandfather who often appear to me in my dream is not even my direct grandfather. His messages are usually good ones. Another dream I will not forget, which I tend to find very strange is when I had a dream about all these grandparents. They were all seated by pair (husband and wife) inside a van. They were waiting for me, my dad, and my kids. After reading the book, I have the feeling that it might mean that they are watching over us. Our deceased families  watch over us from the after life.

When people have near death experiences, it is usually common that they have similar experiences such floating in air, seeing their body, seeing things from above, seeing family members or friends who already passed away. I wrote about my father in my previous blog. I mentioned that he was hospitalized eight months ago. He had the same visions when he was in the hospital. He was so scared that he would not want to go to sleep. He saw himself floating up and he had to hold on tight to the railings of his bed. His brain was affected at that time. So it was still a question whether or not his visions/experiences were caused by his brain or something else happened with his soul. Indeed there will be different views about this matter both scientific and spiritual.

I wanted to add, eight months ago, when my kids and I went home to the Philippines to take care of my sick father, my father-in-law suddenly appeared to me in my dream. When I woke up I realized it was his birthday. It seemed like he reminded me to bring my kids to visit him on his grave. We went visit and said a prayer for him. He did not see his grandchildren since he died the year when I got married to my husband. These incidents still make me wonder.

This book, Proof of Heaven, is worth reading. It depends on the reader, but for me, I find it helpful. It helps make sense to my experiences and sheds light and knowledge to my question about the life after here.

This book is about a scientist’s case for the after life. “Near Death Experiences or NDEs are controversial. Thousands of people have had them, but many in the scientific community have argued that they are impossible. Dr. Eben Alexander was one of those people. A highly trained neurosurgeon who had operated on thousands of brains in the course of his career, knew that what people of faith call the “soul” is really a product of brain chemistry. Might feel real to the people having them, but in truth they are simply fantasies produced by brains under extreme stress. Then came the day when Dr. Alexanders own brain was attacked by an extremely rare illness…. his recovery by all accounts is a medical miracle…While his body lay in coma, he journeyed beyond this world.”

It was mentioned in the book that Dr. Alexander’s situation was the first of its kind in medical history. “Spontaneous E. coli bacterial meningitis is rare in adults. Less than 1 in 10 million of the world’s population contracts it annuallyA week in coma with severe bacterial meningitis is already beyond the limits of any reasonable expectation of recovery…”

Below are some quotes I find very meaningful, directly lifted from the book, Proof of Heaven by Dr. Eben Alexander:

“I maintain that the human mystery is incredibly demeaned by scientific reductionism, with its claim in promissory materialism to account eventually for all of the spiritual world in terms of patterns of neuronal activity. This belief must be classed as a superstition…we have to recognize that we are spiritual beings with souls existing in a spiritual world as well as material beings with bodies and brains existing in a material world.”- Sir John C. Eccles (1903-1997)

“The physical side of the universe is as a speck of dust compared to the invisible and spiritual part. In my past view, spiritual wasn’t a word that I would have employed during a scientific conversation. Now I believe it is a word that we can not afford to leave out.”

“I saw the earth as a pale blue dot in the immense blackness of physical space. I could see that earth was a place where good and evil mixed, and that this constituted one of its unique features.”

“Small particles of evil were scattered throughout the universe, but the sum total of all that evil was a grain of sand on a vast beach compared to the goodness, abundance, hope, and unconditional love in which the universe was literally awash.”

“We have other family: beings who are watching and looking out for us – beings we have momentarily forgotten, but who if we open our selves to their presence, are waiting to help us navigate our time here on earth. None of us are ever unloved. Each and every 9one of us is deeply known and cared for by a Creator who cherishes us beyond any ability we have to comprehend. That knowledge must no longer remain a secret.”

“There is a deeper fabric of existence – a fabric that all of us are always part of,  but which we’re generally not conscious of. Communicating with God is the most extraordinary  experience imaginable, yet at the same time it’s the most natural one of all, because God is present in us at all times. Omniscient, omnipotent, personal -and loving us without conditions. We are connected as One through our divine link with God.”

“Nothing can tear us from God, ever.”

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is. – Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

After reading the book, I am comforted to know that the afterlife was beautiful beyond words or beyond what our minds can perceive. But still I am in the process of knowing more about it. I still fear death, being left by loved ones or leaving them behind. But I believe as my spirit/soul evolve into this awareness, the more I will not fear.

In his book, this lovely poem was cited. I want my loved ones (especially my family) to read this poem by David M. Romano, “When Tomorrow Starts Without Me”

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I am not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you will miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I’d have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It almost seemed impossible
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I’d say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, “This is eternity,
And all I have promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day’s the same way
There’s no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things.
You knew you shouldn’t do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?”

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don’t think we’re far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I’m right here, in your heart.