About Last Night

 

Such a happy moment for me

To meet with you again

To see you smile one more time

To talk to you for a while

That feeling that you’re just here

I don’t need to worry or fear

 

 

 

A Letter From Mom

Dear son,

I am very sorry that we didn’t have a great morning earlier. I felt very sad too. I hope despite of this, you still had a good day. I hope you are feeling better now.

I hope you know that Dad and I are doing our best to give you and your sister a happy life. You should know and feel our love everyday. I do not have to tell you all the things we do for you. But we live to take care of you and your sister.

We would love to see you happy. We like it when you have fun. But please remember that it can’t all be fun. Not all the time. We need to work on something and be patient about it. You have to try your best to really listen and follow. Be obedient and respectful. Be mindful of your reactions/attitude/behavior. You are a big boy now. Discipline is very important in order to have a successful and happy life. Remember, you’re very smart. But you also have to have the right attitude.

That’s all that we are praying for. That you and and your sister will grow to be good people. Great people with happy, successful, and healthy lives.

So please do not feel mad or frustrated when we correct you or when we call your attention. This does not make us love you less. You and your sister are the most important in our lives.

Both of you are my greatest love.

I love you son,

Mom

Love Stories

One sunny morning, I was hanging out with my kids in the pool.  Then a very interesting conversation happened. I do not recall how we ended up talking about it but my son was asking about my love stories.  I then recalled the feelings of falling in love, of being in love, as well as the tears and the heartaches that go with it.

There’s a relationship that you outgrow. You think you would want to spend the rest of your life with that special someone but as you mature, you will realize that you just don’t. Maybe it is due to differences in values, priorities, and/or timing.

Sometimes you will meet someone you finally like but you will end up friend zoned. I remember this guy who would always come visit me at work, hung out with me, and called me even at night just to talk about other girls . And you realize after a while you were so stupid to listen to his crazy stories.

There are times when you meet someone and you thought you have something special. He would call you from overseas on a regular basis then one day would just disappear. You will figure out that he found someone else.

Sometimes you would think you have met your soulmate. But they don’t really stay for long.

There are unspoken feelings. Feelings you just keep to yourself. And the person would never ever know how you felt about him/her.

And there is a love meant for you.

And love never ends. It is beautiful. It is painful. It makes life meaningful.

 

 

 

The Day When You Left

I choked up as I thought about it. I felt sick.  I went to church at 8:00 am this morning. I was standing there with a heavy heart. It was the very same time when he died. Everything happened around 11:00 pm to midnight (Manila time) two years ago.

I remember on that day, I just stayed beside him. He really loved listening to me and my siblings sing. So I sang any song that came to mind. All songs I could ever think of. We kept singing and talking to him despite that he was unconscious. Sometimes he was awake but we knew he was not the same. It was always just a blank stare.  I held his hands as if it was the last time.

It was 11:00 pm  when I received a message to proceed to the Intensive Care Unit. I had a bad feeling. I just left him 30 minutes ago and everything was fine. His operation (Tracheotomy) was a success. He was finally relieved from the tube he had for two weeks.

The nurse told me that he was stable. I could go and rest. I sent my good news to my siblings and everyone was pleased. We were all holding on to HOPE.

Everything quickly changed in just an hour.

I was walking towards the ICU and from afar I could see what was happening. His room was packed with nurses and a doctor. The room was very busy. They were all trying to revive him.  I could hear them. I was just less than 10 feet away. I sat on a chair and I had to lay my  head down on the table. I knew it was the end. I was so numb. I cried quietly. The doctor approached me and told me that they had to stop reviving him.

I had to make calls to tell the family. They all came and we did what we had to do. Then for the very first time, I went home. I fell asleep on his bed. We were all so very very tired emotionally and physically. I had no more strength.

Sometimes I would ask why did I have to see all that. It really broke my heart. I know that every time this day comes, I would feel the same way and I will remember EVERYTHING. For the rest of my life.

 

 

Sad Trip Memories

I will not forget the saddest trip I had in my life. It was exactly two years ago today. I can still remember being by myself at the airport. I was just crying on my seat. I could not help it and I did not care anymore. While the rest of the people around me looked so happy and excited, I was just broken. It was a very difficult time, that day and the next two weeks.

I flew right away as I heard that our father was resuscitated. Everything was just so sudden. I had to fly thousands of miles just to get in time. It was somehow a blessing to still find him there although he was already unconscious. I am not sure up to now if he even knew I was there. And watching him for the next 14 days was traumatic.

I wrote about that experience here right after I came back home. Losing a person very close to your heart is very painful beyond words. It was raw and unedited. Until today, I still do not have the courage to read it over again.

This morning, my sister and I were talking. She said something. “Most days are so busy, we go about our lives without thinking about him.. but there are definitely times when a lot of things around us no matter how simple remind us if him. And those moments we think of him is just heart breaking and makes me feel like crying.” It is true, I try not to think of him because it makes me sad.  However, it is just unavoidable. The person you love will always be a part of you.

I hear a lot of times some people would like to say “MOVE ON”. What does moving on mean?  Yes, we have moved on. We have continued to live our lives. But when you talk about someone you love, who has passed, it just means that you remember them. You miss them and that you love them. And that is absolutely natural. It is okay.

We remember.

 

 

 

First Christmas Without Her

When we go to church every Sunday, I always notice a couple who I think are on their 80’s. Although they’re very old, I can definitely still see and feel their love for each other. They look very happy.

I remember in July 2016, they had to sit close to us because the church was packed. I could hear the old man singing so beautifully. Before leaving, the old man handed us a prayer pamphlet. It was a devotion to St. Joseph. The old lady had a very sweet smile.

Sometime in October 2016, the church recognized all the couples who celebrated their wedding anniversary. This couple was one of them. I heard they celebrated their 57 years together. So after the mass, I came up to them to congratulate them. I told them that they are an inspiration to young married couples like us. I saw the old lady’s face beaming and they proudly talked about their kids, grand kids, and great grand children. I gave them a hug and said bye.

In November 2016, I noticed that the old man was alone. For a few weeks, I wanted to come up to him to ask how he was but never got the chance. I had a feeling and I hope I was wrong.

Last night, my eyes were fixed on the old man. It is a week before Christmas and I decided to greet him a Merry Christmas in advance after the service. His name is Raul. It is the first Christmas without her after 57 years. He said he always sees her in spirit.

We talked for a while. I mentioned about my Dad who passed away last year. Somehow when I see Raul he reminds me of him. Same age. Both wearing their favorite beige/khaki jacket. After mentioning about my Dad, Raul said at age 82. I was so shocked how he knew that my Dad was 82 when he died. He said it just came to his mind and that the spirit works in mysterious ways. I gave him a hug and told him that I’ll pray for his  beautiful and sweet wife.

I know I will be seeing Raul by himself every church time, and I pray that I will see him for a very long time. I can’t help but think again about the bitter reality of growing old, death, dying, and being left alone. And for us who are left behind, we have to live and keep going.

I also remember my Tatay (Dad) and Mommy who were together for 53 years. This January 2017 is supposed to be their 55th Anniversary. Here is a photo of them taken by my sister that year  before he passed away. One of the most beautiful and meaningful photos I keep.

 

 

 

Catching Up With Cindy Kurleto

Thanks to writing. I started to see through things clearly. I am able to look deep inside and know myself a little bit more. I have become aware of my existence, of the life around me, of living, of being human, and even of my greatest fear, death.

One of the many things I have come to realize is that my life is too short to be mad, sad, or miserable. I have to overcome these emotions as they exist. I have to find out an outlet, my passion, and do things that make me happy. I have learned that playing the flute and blogging are one my favorite things at this stage of my life!

Moreover, I also realized that it is important to surround myself with people and things that will make me grow, that will inspire me, and make me happy. People and things that give out positive vibes and make us realize more the kindness and beauty of life. We can not always choose 100% of the time but we can still do something.

Even in my social media account (Instagram), I only choose to follow people who inspire me. There are indeed a lot of great people around the globe, and I wish I have all the time to write about them.  These inspirations crossing my path are part of my journey. Thus, I recognize and appreciate them through writing.

For instance, I wrote about the flutist who inspires me to do better, Bevani. Please read about her and check her Youtube Channel (Bevani Flute). Now, it is my pleasure to feature this wonderful lady. I never knew her personally but when I was younger I saw her from TV commercials in the Philippines.She was a VJ, model, actress. She has one of the most beautiful faces in Philippine Television. Meet Cynthia or better known as Cindy Kurleto! I do not remember how I found her in Instagram but when I saw her, I left a comment on her post about how glad I was to see her. She responded and she was very nice to everyone. We found out that we have the same birthdays too (and year)! What struck me was seeing how she has found love and happiness in her private life now. She has left the world of show business to fulfill her destiny to be where she is right now, a loving wife and mother. So let’s catch up with Cindy! 

“Hi Khristine! First off let me thank you for even considering to feature me on your blog, an old “has been” like me, flatters me beyond believe, thanks! And kudos to you for doing what makes you happy by writing for your own blog. So let’s dive right into it, shall we?”How long did you do modelling/acting in the Philippines?

My modelling career actually started in Bangkok where I did a few TV commercials, quite funny ones, really, for shampoo and facial care etc. It was afterwards that I got work in Manila, first as a model, then TV host and VJ, and finally as an actress. All in all I stayed for a decade.

When and why did you leave Manila?

I left Manila, which partly broke my heart, in December 2007, to ironically follow my heart. I had found the person I never wanted to be without and he asked me to join him in his next chapter of life, which brought us to Peru, where we stayed for 8 years and also started our own little family.

Do you miss being a public figure? If yes, what are the things you miss about it?

I don’t miss being a public figure because it comes with its own golden cage, as you can surely imagine. When you’re a public figure you are confronted with thousands of opinions, which all mean well, but don’t have anything to do with the real you. It’s a lot of responsibility and also involves disappointment, because how does the old saying go? You can not please everyone.

Do you think of going back to show business?

I miss having a creative job, where you get to meet incredibly talented people in front of and behind the camera. Where each workday is different to the last. And of course it can also be quite glamorous at times, I’d be lying if I’d say I don’t miss that, as well. But would I ever go back to showbiz? Probably in a heartbeat, but rather behind the camera, maybe? 🙂 to be honest with you, I don’t know. One can’t want showbiz, it’s gotta want you.

You have been to many places now in your life. Will you share what countries/which places have you lived in?

Well I was born in Vienna, Austria which is a small land locked country in the heart of Europe. Many people visit surrounding countries like Prague and Switzerland, which are amazingly beautiful but I strongly urge you to give Vienna a chance, it won’t disappoint, I promise. As you follow me on instagram, let me invite you to take a look at some of the pics I post of Vienna.. it is a truly beautiful city.
And as I mentioned above, I have lived in Manila, Philippines and in Lima, Peru.

Because of my father’s health condition we have decided to move back to Vienna and have arrived here only a few months ago, in fact our container with all our stuff is scheduled to arrive in two weeks time (yay)

What place/country do you miss most?

I used to always miss my hometown, but since I’ve moved back now, I guess I miss the Philippines the most. The smell and sights, the people and the food. Even the heat.

What is your most favorite place?

My favourite place used to be Boracay but since it’s practically overrun with tourists and locals alike, and way too far away for me now- I’d have to say my favourite place is the caribbean island Barbados, where my partners father is from and still has family. We try to visit often. Another beautiful beach I like to visit is in Tulum, México. If you ever travel there go eat at the restaurant Hartwood!

Where is your home now? How is it living there?

My home will always be where the heart is that I love and that loves me back.
Together we have moved to Vienna now, where I’m from but have not lived for 18 years. I am as much a foreigner as I am a native, which makes for an interesting experience, to say the least. I love Vienna for its culture, its high standard of living and for the beautiful old architecture.

When I called Peru my home I especially loved it for its fresh produce and it’s love for good food. Many talented chefs come from Peru and I was lucky enough to take part in a few cooking classes.

You are a family woman now. How long have you been married? How many kids do you have now?

Shockingly- we have never married. I guess we’ve never lived anywhere close enough to family to consider a celebration. We have been a couple for almost 12 years now and have two beautiful daughters together. My partner is my best friend, the one person I never get tired speaking to, I crave his opinion and love making him proud. In fact I read this interview and my answers to him, if it sounds okay to his ears- it’s good to go.

Do you work or are you a full-time mom? What keeps Cindy busy everyday?

I am a full-time mom as my second daughter was just born 3 weeks ago. I gave birth in water (at a clinic) without any pain medication- which makes me incredibly proud! (but don’t think I had it planned that way, I would have gladly accepted something to ease the pain but was too late for that). Being a mother, going through all these changes and the process of it all is just amazing. I salute all mothers. Really from the depth of my heart.

My day looks very much like any new mothers day. Feed the baby, burp the baby, change diapers and put the baby to sleep and repeat.

How do you differentiate the public life and the private life now?

Let me admit right here that I hardly ever talk about my life in the public eye anymore. This took quite some adjustment since it covered a long period of my young adult life and has shaped me immensely. The thing is, people don’t like to hear “oh you know, when I was an actress,…” stuff like that makes other people secretly dislike you. For real. So I live my private life like everyone else, and totally disregard my former life in the public. Except for when I can sense that someone is genuinely interested. Then I delve in fun memories.

What do you enjoy most in your private life?

I am happy that I was able to build a private life. Coming back from showbiz is not an easy feat. Taking pleasure in simple things is the bigger picture, really. It’s the way forward. Understanding that giving my family happy memories to look back on is the real goal, not how many clothes, shoes, followers or how much fan mail I have.

We usually have plans/goals for ourselves. What do you have for yourself?

I just want to be healthy, so I can stay around with as much energy as ever, to do things with my kids. Go hiking, travel to the world’s big cities, stay up late to help them with homework, be there when they have their first child. I lost my mother at 20 and regret not having her by my side at this time in my life.

What is your personal philosophy at the moment?

This is no secret but it means nothing to those who have not experienced it for themselves, so believe me when I say:

To help others is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Thanks Cindy for taking the time to answer my questions. I wish you more love and happiness in your life. Keep shining. You are a reflection of beauty and an inspiration to women who value taking care of the family.

No problem, Tin. Thank you for asking such deep and inspirational questions.

Birthday Message From Me

Thirty seven years ago.

Today I remember my parents who brought me out to this world and raised me, my family who made me whole, and God who gave me life.

I personally would like to thank all the people who took time to greet me. It is heartwarming, as we say it in Filipino (nakakataba ng puso) to read messages even from social media like Facebook. Just imagine each person taking time (just a few seconds) to type in their birthday greetings? It can be as simple as “HBD, Happy birthday or Enjoy your day”.  I super appreciate each thought! It means a lot to me. I feel very special on my birthday. Thank you from my heart!

I would just like to share. When I was younger, I was excited for my birthday. As a kid,  you look forward to gifts or parties. As the years went by, I felt different about it. I can say I feel a little scared because I know that I am aging. I know we should not look at it that way, but it seems like  each year I am  marching towards the end of my journey.  I am afraid to grow old. I am afraid of death. But you know what, I also feel like as years go by, it is like God is pulling me towards Him. I don’t know maybe it is the same for other people. Aging, growing old makes you reflect on the meaning of life, the meaning of existence. It is no longer about material things. It goes beyond it. My life. The people I love and care about.

For people who really know me, I am not so much into parties or big gatherings.   I love people and  I love my friends. But truly, I am really more of an introvert. My former boss (Dennis) said, today that I should do something fun. Fun for me is reading all my family and friends’ greetings. Writing about what I feel and maybe “fluting” later. I felt very inspired too that one of our school former teacher (who is now a conductor of an Orchestra) wished me a happy birthday. He told me to keep fluting! : )  It meant so much to me. Today I feel really special because my hubby took off from work and will just spend the day with me. He will take me out to lunch. Will also do something fun with the kids later. I told my children last night that they are my greatest birthday gifts ever!

One last thing. I wish to grow more in wisdom. I want to be more appreciative of each moment. I am not perfect and will never be. And this world isn’t too. We can not please everybody. That is one lesson I have learned. Some people still won’t like me. But some do love me!!!  And I guess growing in wisdom is like learning how to strike a balance, knowing your focus or priorities, and accepting some facts about living. Lastly, is giving your darn best to be good. Just be a good wife, a good mom, a good person.

Wishing you a happy life as well! Thank you for everything!!!

 

 

Promoting Values

Literally, every time I watch this commercial, tears flow from my eyes. No matter how many times I have seen it. It is funny how my children look at me or call me whenever it is on.

I guess I think about my daughter and my husband.  I think about my dad. I think about childhood and parenting. Children growing up. People growing old. I ponder on the cycle of life. Of how we all have common experiences in life. And no matter how sad or scary, we all have to go through it. And of course, never fail to see the happiness and beauty that also come with it.

 

First Of March

There was a time when my head was filled with thoughts. I had to write them down. They were overflowing. My heart was filled with emotions. I had to let them out.

I am not sure if it has something to do with the sudden loss of a loved one. But after that event, it seems like I have nothing much to say. Maybe my mind is still full of him. Or my heart still grieves.

I have not been writing as much. Instead I focus on music. I find it comforting. Healing. Some of the clips I share to my Instagram account (khris_79).

I know I will be back on track someday. For now, I will just let things be.

I hope you are doing fine as well as you read this. Keep inspiring others. Keep searching for that passion. Do things that will make you happy. Happy life. God bless you all.