Next week will be my first born’s birthday. Followed by my second child’s. They are almost 3 weeks apart. Both are born on Summer time during the Olympic games. I remember taking care of infants while watching games on TV. Both of them also have Barrack Obama as their first President when they were born.
Every child’s birthday is special. And for every parent, it is a moment to celebrate and commemorate the day they received their special gift from heaven.
It is ironic for me. I am very happy to celebrate my children’s birthdays but at the same time I feel sad because it brings back the most painful memory I had on my journey. This started last year in 2015. It all began from my first born’s birthday and ended on my second child’s birthday.
I am sure people have forgotten. They have moved on and lived their lives. But as for us, we are not sure how. We will always feel and remember as long as we are here.
July 19 was my first born’s birthday. It was the last time I had a Facetime chat with my Father. Up to now I remember the conversation that we had. His words I can still hear.
July 21. He was sent to the hospital and got intubated. He was unconscious for 3 days. He woke up on the third night and was terrified with his condition. He could not speak anymore. He did not like the tube and the wires. He and my brother had a moment together. My brother told him I was coming home. And he nodded. He knew I was coming home. But early dawn the next day…
July 25 He had a cardiac arrest. They revived him after a while. But he was believed to be brain dead then later on into comma. I had to fly right away to see him. It happened so fast.
And we were in the dark for the next 14 days of my life . I stayed in the hospital did not go anywhere. https://partandparcel2014.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/14-day-journey/
August 5. I went out and saw the saddest sunset. I was on the phone with my sister telling her that the “takipsilim” or dusk looked very sad. All our hopes were going down with the sun. That night, almost midnight, he passed away. First time to go to the house where I grew up. But it was dark and empty. I fell asleep on his bed.
August 8. It was my youngest child’s birthday. It was also my Father’s burial/interment. Part of my heart was buried with him. After a few hours I had to fly back to my family. It was night time when I arrived at home. It was not too late to watch my 3 year old blow the candle on her birthday cake.
A friend visited me last year. He was my Professor from College until in the Graduate School. He works now in a University here in the US. He was even one of my mentors when I did my paper. With God’s help, I was able to finish the degree Master of Science in Psychology Major in Psychological Measurement. and I was able to do work for seven years related to the field.
So when I got married and started a family, there have been changes. I joke about it a lot with my husband. I tell him that I have the best education/career ever. Master of Science in Child Rearing and Housekeeping! And I have been an Administrator for years now running a house from food, to clothes, family schedules, child education, and everything! For free! (except when I go online shopping).
Seriously, when I see posts from social media how some of my friends have advanced in their careers, I ask myself how do I feel about myself. Yes sometimes I would imagine how I would be like if I chose a different path. Then I would ask are we here because of our choice or we are just destined to be where we are right now… or a combination of both?
I believe that one should just do his/her best each time, in every moment or chapter of life. And try to appreciate the now, where you are right now. It is true that when you count your blessings and appreciate all that you have, you will feel happy. Contented.
I was born and raised Catholic. I firmly believe in God. However, this playful mind of mine never stops going some places far. In my heart I know God fully understands. He never gets mad about questions. I believe that’s what makes us special. We think. So my thoughts here are independent of my belief. Some questions just floating in my head.
With the loss of a loved one, I am thinking if there is really an after life. Is there really a soul. If there is, where does it go? What happens to it? When we talk about our faith, I know the answer is: the soul goes to heaven, hell, or Purgatory. Does the soul recognize his/her loved ones left on earth? Does he/she still get to see them? I have read some stories about near death experiences of people and they usually report the same things: light, visions, peaceful experience. It is comforting to know that.
I guess you will never truly know the truth unless you experience death. And there is actually no way of going back to tell the world what truly happens when you die because you are dead. I am also thinking, what if when a person dies, it is simply just the end of everything? Non existent. Just no thoughts, no emotions, bodily functions stop. What if this life is the only chance, the only time and place that we can actually feel and think? The only moment we experience existence and being human.
I will be gone for a while around 2-3 weeks to attend to a family matter. I am not sure if I will be able to blog anytime soon. My mind and my heart are filled with thoughts and feelings that I would love to express. For now, I am just feeling them and going through the experience: hopeful for a good news, sacrificing being away from my children, who are my life, and going through some changes.
Farewell for now. I will be back as soon as I can.